Making Friends / How Often to Contact Someone / Lesson 09

LESSON 09 · HOW OFTEN TO CONTACT SOMEONE

The Monthly Check-In for Good Friends

Thirty-two easy ways to use the monthly check-in for good friends, a light habit that keeps friendships alive.

Once a month is enough to stay close. Make it small and warm.

28 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

28 tips that really help

These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Why monthly

Good friends do not need weekly contact. A monthly check-in keeps you in each other’s lives without pressure.

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Try it.

TIP 2

List your good friends

Write ten to fifteen names. These are people you enjoy and want to keep.

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Write them.

TIP 3

Choose a day

Pick the first Sunday or a day that suits you. Regular days make habits.

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Choose.

TIP 4

Choose a few names per week

Spread the list over the month. Three or four names a week is manageable.

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Spread it.

TIP 5

Send a warm message

How has your month been? is simple and kind. Add a detail.

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Send one.

TIP 6

Ask about something specific

Recall their plans or news and ask about it. It shows you remember.

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Recall.

TIP 7

Share a small update

Tell them one thing from your life. Keep it light.

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Share.

TIP 8

Offer a catch-up

Suggest a call or coffee within the next month or two. Easy and open.

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Offer.

TIP 9

Use voice notes sometimes

Voices add warmth for friends who live far away.

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Try one.

TIP 10

Log it

Mark in your notes that you contacted them. You will see who is due next.

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Log.

TIP 11

Be flexible

If a month is busy, send a short hello. Keep the chain.

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Stay kind.

TIP 12

Review every few months

See who you talked to and who you missed. Adjust your list.

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Review.

TIP 13

Script: check-in

Hi, how has your month been? I was thinking of you. Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: share

Something fun happened to me this week, I wanted to tell you. Say it brightly.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: recall

How did your trip go? I have been wondering. Say it with interest.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: plan

Shall we meet for coffee sometime next month? Say it lightly.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for staying in touch, talk next month. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: sending the same message to everyone

Personal details matter, so tweak each message.

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Personalise.

TIP 19

Mistake: skipping months without a word

Long gaps hurt, so send at least a tiny hello.

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Stay steady.

TIP 20

Mistake: making it a long chat every time

Short touches are fine, so do not exhaust yourself.

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Keep it light.

TIP 21

Troubleshoot: when you have too many good friends

Choose a core group of ten and rotate the rest. Be kind to yourself.

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Prioritise.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when a friend rarely replies

Keep sending light notes and plan meet-ups. They may be slow but caring.

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Be patient.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you have nothing new to say

Ask a question or share a song. Little things are enough.

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Ask.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you feel awkward

Remember most friends are glad to hear from you. Send.

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Reach out.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when time zones differ

Send voice notes and agree on a monthly call time. Use a time converter.

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Plan.

TIP 26

Drill: set up your monthly list

Make a list of good friends with one fact each and set reminders. Message three this week.

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Do it.

TIP 27

Drill: a monthly message template

Write a short monthly message template and save it. Edit before sending.

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Write.

TIP 28

Drill: plan a coffee

Plan one coffee with a good friend in the next month. Put it in the calendar.

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Schedule.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

CHECK

“How has your month been?”

SHARE

“Something fun happened to me.”

PLAN

“Shall we meet for coffee next month?”

RECALL

“How did your trip go?”

THANK

“Thanks for staying in touch.”

CLOSE

“Talk next month.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Pick a day each month

DAY 2
List your good friends

DAY 3
Send a warm message

DAY 4
Ask about their life

DAY 5
Offer a catch-up

DAY 6
Log it

DAY 7
Review

Further reading

• Friends (Robin Dunbar)
• Platonic (Marisa Franco)
• Together (Vivek Murthy)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.