Making Friends / How Often to Contact Someone / Lesson 40

LESSON 40 · HOW OFTEN TO CONTACT SOMEONE

Your Contact Rhythm Plan

Thirty-two easy steps to make your own contact rhythm plan, a simple page that keeps every friendship fed.

A plan makes it easy. Keep it light and kind.

28 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

28 tips that really help

These ideas come from Friends (Robin Dunbar), Platonic (Marisa Franco), Together (Vivek Murthy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Why a plan

Good friends do not keep themselves. A simple rhythm plan turns care into habit without becoming a chore.

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Write one.

TIP 2

List your friends

Write the names of people you care about. Aim for twenty to thirty.

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List them.

TIP 3

Group them in three layers

Close, good and casual. Mark each name.

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Group them.

TIP 4

Set a rhythm for each layer

Close weekly, good monthly, casual twice a year. Adjust to your life.

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Set it.

TIP 5

Choose your tools

A notes app, a calendar and a few reminders are enough. Keep tools simple.

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Choose.

TIP 6

Add key dates

Birthdays and milestones in your calendar with alerts.

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Add them.

TIP 7

Set weekly reminders

Name two or three people to contact each week.

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Set it.

TIP 8

Prepare message lines

Write ten short messages you can edit. They save time.

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Write.

TIP 9

Plan meet-ups

Aim for at least one meet-up a month with someone. Book ahead.

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Book it.

TIP 10

Mix the methods

Texts, voice notes, calls, cards and visits. Variety keeps things fresh.

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Vary.

TIP 11

Review monthly

Look at who you contacted. Adjust your list and rhythms.

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Review.

TIP 12

Celebrate and adjust

Enjoy your connections. Change the plan when life changes.

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Celebrate.

TIP 13

Script: weekly

I will message two close friends each week. Say it firmly.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: monthly

I will call one good friend each month. Say it clearly.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: dates

I will mark birthdays in my calendar with an alert. Say it calmly.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: review

I will review my list every first Sunday. Say it kindly.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

My plan helps me care for the people I love. Say it with pride.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: making the plan too heavy

Heavy plans get abandoned, so keep it light.

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Simplify.

TIP 19

Mistake: treating friends as tasks

Warmth must be real, so use the plan to care.

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Stay genuine.

TIP 20

Mistake: ignoring close friends because of the plan

Close friends deserve extra, so treat the plan as a minimum.

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Give more.

TIP 21

Troubleshoot: when life is chaotic

Cut to a mini plan: one message a week. Keep the thread.

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Shrink.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when you have few friends

Use the plan to nurture each one and add new people slowly. Small circles are fine.

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Be patient.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you have many friends

Prioritise and rotate. Be kind to yourself.

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Prioritise.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when someone does not respond to your rhythm

Adjust to theirs and keep it light. Not every match is perfect.

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Adapt.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you feel it is forced

Start with friends you enjoy most. Joy keeps habits alive.

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Start there.

TIP 26

Drill: write your plan on one page

Write layers, rhythms and tools on one page. Put it where you see it.

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Write.

TIP 27

Drill: set your first reminders

Set two weekly reminders with names today. Act on the first.

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Set them.

TIP 28

Drill: review in one month

Put a date in your calendar to review the plan in a month. Keep it.

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Schedule.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

PLAN

“I will message two close friends each week.”

REVIEW

“I will check my list every Sunday.”

REACH

“I will call one friend each month.”

CELEBRATE

“I will mark birthdays in my calendar.”

THANK

“Thanks for being part of my life.”

CLOSE

“My plan helps me care.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
List your friends

DAY 2
Group them in layers

DAY 3
Set a rhythm for each layer

DAY 4
Choose your tools

DAY 5
Set reminders

DAY 6
Review monthly

DAY 7
Adjust with love

Further reading

• Friends (Robin Dunbar)
• Platonic (Marisa Franco)
• Together (Vivek Murthy)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.