Be the Person Who Makes the First Move
Thirty-two easy ways to be the person who makes the first move, a quiet strength that builds friendships.
Friendly people start things. You can be one of them.
30 tips that really help
These ideas come from Never Eat Alone (Keith Ferrazzi), Platonic (Marisa Franco), How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
First movers get friends
Studies show that people who start contact build bigger circles. Most people wait. You can lead.
Go first.
Say hello first
Greet people before they greet you. A smile starts bonds.
Greet.
Ask first
Start with a question about them. Questions open doors.
Ask.
Invite first
Invite someone for coffee, a walk or lunch. People rarely refuse kindly.
Invite.
Message first
Send the first text. Most people are glad.
Text.
Be brave in small ways
Start with tiny first moves, like a smile or a wave. Build courage.
Start small.
Accept any answer
If they say no, say thanks and move on. No harm done.
Be gracious.
Take turns
After a few times, let them lead too. Friendship goes both ways.
Share the lead.
Notice who never starts
Some friends wait. Keep inviting kindly if they enjoy it.
Observe.
Celebrate your courage
Every first move is brave. Praise yourself.
Smile.
Script: hello
Hi, I am so glad we met. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: inviting
Would you like to join us for lunch on Friday? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: asking
How has your week been so far? Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: offering
I can show you around the area if you like. Say it helpfully.
Use it.
Script: closing
I am glad I asked, thank you for saying yes. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: stopping after one try
Try more than once. People are busy.
Persist.
Troubleshoot: when you feel shy
Use texts or short invites. Practise with easy contacts.
Start easy.
Troubleshoot: when you feel tired of always starting
Say, I would love it if you invited me sometimes. Be honest.
Say it kindly.
Troubleshoot: when it feels unfair
Talk to the friend. Some people are shy about starting.
Talk.
Troubleshoot: when you worry about being annoying
Keep a light rhythm and respect their replies. It is fine.
Relax.
Troubleshoot: when you are new in town
Say yes to invites and start small plans. Join groups.
Join.
Drill: first-move week
Make three first moves this week: a hello, a text and an invite. Track.
Do it.
Drill: invite one person
Invite one person to something simple. Pick a date.
Invite.
Drill: reflection
Note how each first move felt. Learn.
Write.
Send the first message
Do not wait for them, because someone has to start and it can be you.
Send first.
Make it easy to reply
Ask a simple question or offer one plan, so replying takes only a few seconds.
Ask simply.
Mistake: waiting for the perfect moment
Perfect timing rarely comes, so act while the chat is fresh.
Act soon.
Troubleshoot: when you always make the first move
Mention it kindly, or remember that some people are shy but still care.
Stay kind.
Drill: make three first moves this month
Message three people first this month and note how they respond.
Do three.
Drill: write your go-to opener
Write one warm opener you can adapt for anyone and save it.
Write it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Hi, I am glad we met.”
“Would you like to join us?”
“How has your week been?”
“I can show you around.”
“Thanks for saying yes.”
“I am glad I asked.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Say hello first
Ask first
Invite first
Message first
Be brave
Accept any reply
Keep going
Further reading
- Never Eat Alone (Keith Ferrazzi)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Follow Up”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: One Message Can Change a FriendshipNext: Swap Contact Details Naturally →
- Why Good Chats Fade Without Follow-Up
- People Want to Hear From You
- The Fear Behind Not Following Up
- Following Up Is Kindness, Not Needy
- The Twenty-Four-Hour Window
- One Message Can Change a Friendship
- Be the Person Who Makes the First Move
- Swap Contact Details Naturally
- The Same-Day Nice-to-Meet-You Message
- Mention Something From Your Chat
- Send a Photo or Link You Talked About
- Suggest a Next Step Lightly
- What to Write When You Are Shy
- What Not to Write
- Keep It Short and Specific
- Ask One Easy Question
- Use Their Name and Their Words
- Send a Voice Note
- Send Something Funny
- Use Emoji and Tone Wisely
- The Message That Never Fails
- Suggest a Specific Time and Place
- Offer a Simple Plan
- Confirm Plans the Day Before
- Handle Rescheduling Gracefully
- Follow Up After Meeting
- Plan the Second Meet-Up Before the First Ends
- Thank Them for Their Time
- Why People Go Quiet
- Wait, Then Send One Gentle Nudge
- Do Not Take Silence Personally
- Know When to Let Go
- Reconnect After Months
- Keep the Door Open
- Keep a Simple Friendship Notebook
- Set Weekly Reminders to Reach Out
- Reply Quickly to Messages
- Send Little Notes for No Reason
- Follow Up on Their News
- Your Follow-Up System
