What Not to Write
Thirty-two easy things not to write when you follow up, so your message lands warm and clear.
Some words close doors. Choose words that open them.
31 tips that really help
These ideas come from Never Eat Alone (Keith Ferrazzi), Platonic (Marisa Franco), How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Words matter
The same idea can feel warm or cold depending on the words you choose. Avoiding a few common traps keeps your message kind.
Check your draft.
Do not write why have you not replied
It feels like blame. Wait and send a friendly nudge instead.
Stay kind.
Do not write long life stories
A new friend wants a short, light note. Save stories for later.
Keep it short.
Do not complain
Early messages should be positive. Complaints feel heavy.
Be light.
Do not guilt-trip
Phrases like I guess you are too busy for me hurt. Say what you hope for, not what you fear.
Be warm.
Do not use sarcasm
Sarcasm is easy to misread in writing. Be plain and kind.
Be plain.
Do not be vague
We should meet sometime rarely happens. Offer a window.
Be specific.
Do not send many messages in a row
Wait for a reply. One at a time feels respectful.
Wait.
Do not share very private things
Build trust first. Private topics come later.
Go slowly.
Do not gossip
Speaking badly of others makes people wary. Stay positive.
Be kind.
Do not use ALL CAPS
Capitals feel like shouting. Use normal text.
Use normal case.
Do not send late-night messages
Late messages can feel pushy. Send at a sensible hour.
Time it.
Do not forget to proofread
Typos and a wrong name feel careless. Read once before sending.
Read it.
Script: better than why no reply
Hi, I hope your week is going well. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: better than guilt
I would love to catch up if you have time. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: better than vague
Are you free for coffee next Thursday or Saturday? Say it clearly.
Use it.
Script: better than complaints
I had a lovely day, and it made me think of you. Say it brightly.
Use it.
Script: closing
No rush at all, take care and talk soon. Say it gently.
Use it.
Mistake: sending when angry
Messages sent in anger are hard to take back, so wait until you are calm.
Pause first.
Mistake: writing as if it is a test
Treating it like an exam adds pressure, so write like you speak.
Be natural.
Mistake: copying a script word for word
Copied words feel stiff, so add one personal detail of your own.
Personalise.
Mistake: apologising too much
Too many sorrys make you sound unsure, so say hello with confidence.
Skip sorry.
Mistake: asking for too much at once
Big requests scare new friends, so ask for something small first.
Start small.
Troubleshoot: when you already sent something awkward
Send a kind, short follow-up like no worries, hope you are well. Move on.
Stay calm.
Troubleshoot: when you are unsure how it sounds
Read it aloud or ask a trusted friend. Fresh eyes help.
Check it.
Troubleshoot: when emotions are high
Write the angry version privately, delete it, then write a calm one. Calm wins.
Cool down.
Troubleshoot: when you cannot find the right tone
Imagine sending it to a kind aunt. Warm and polite.
Picture that.
Troubleshoot: when English is not your first language
Use short, simple sentences and a translator if needed. Clear beats fancy.
Keep it simple.
Drill: spot the trap
Look at old messages and find words you would change. Learn from them.
Review.
Drill: rewrite a heavy message
Rewrite a heavy message into a light one. Compare both.
Try it.
Drill: read aloud
Read your messages aloud before sending for a week. Notice better tone.
Practise.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“It was lovely meeting you.”
“No rush to reply.”
“I hope you are doing well.”
“Would you like to meet?”
“Thank you for your time.”
“Take care.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Avoid pressure
Avoid guilt
Avoid long stories
Avoid complaints
Avoid sarcasm
Avoid vagueness
Proofread
Further reading
- Never Eat Alone (Keith Ferrazzi)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Follow Up”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: What to Write When You Are ShyNext: Keep It Short and Specific →
- Why Good Chats Fade Without Follow-Up
- People Want to Hear From You
- The Fear Behind Not Following Up
- Following Up Is Kindness, Not Needy
- The Twenty-Four-Hour Window
- One Message Can Change a Friendship
- Be the Person Who Makes the First Move
- Swap Contact Details Naturally
- The Same-Day Nice-to-Meet-You Message
- Mention Something From Your Chat
- Send a Photo or Link You Talked About
- Suggest a Next Step Lightly
- What to Write When You Are Shy
- What Not to Write
- Keep It Short and Specific
- Ask One Easy Question
- Use Their Name and Their Words
- Send a Voice Note
- Send Something Funny
- Use Emoji and Tone Wisely
- The Message That Never Fails
- Suggest a Specific Time and Place
- Offer a Simple Plan
- Confirm Plans the Day Before
- Handle Rescheduling Gracefully
- Follow Up After Meeting
- Plan the Second Meet-Up Before the First Ends
- Thank Them for Their Time
- Why People Go Quiet
- Wait, Then Send One Gentle Nudge
- Do Not Take Silence Personally
- Know When to Let Go
- Reconnect After Months
- Keep the Door Open
- Keep a Simple Friendship Notebook
- Set Weekly Reminders to Reach Out
- Reply Quickly to Messages
- Send Little Notes for No Reason
- Follow Up on Their News
- Your Follow-Up System
