Read Signs of Discomfort
Forty practical ways to read signs of discomfort, so you can adjust kindly before a customer pulls away.
Discomfort speaks quietly. Notice early and respond gently.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from What Every Body Is Saying (Joe Navarro), Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman), Never Split the Difference (Chris Voss), and Quiet (Susan Cain), and everyday practice. The first six help the most. Pick one and try it today.
The small signals that say "I am uneasy"
Customers rarely say, ‘I feel uneasy.’ They show it in small ways: a shift in the chair, a short answer, a glance away, a sigh. These small signals are quiet warnings. If you notice them early, you can adjust before trust is lost.
In your next meeting, watch for two or three small signals, such as a change in posture, a shorter answer or a sigh. When you see one, slow down and soften.
Spot the change from their normal
The best clue is not a single sign but a change. If a person usually talks freely, and suddenly gives short answers, something has changed. Everyone has a normal. Learn it, and you will see when they move away from it.
In the first five minutes of your next meeting, note how the person usually sits, speaks and moves. Then watch for any change.
Never assume: one sign is not proof
Crossed arms might mean unease, or that the room is cold. A look at the clock might mean impatience, or a meeting starting at the hour. One sign is a question, not an answer. Treat each sign as a clue, and check it with a kind question.
The next time you notice a sign, say to yourself, ‘This may mean several things.’ Then ask a gentle question to find out.
Ask, "How is this sitting with you?"
One of the best questions in sales is also one of the simplest: ‘How is this sitting with you?’ It is gentle, open and honest. Ask it at key points, such as after a price or a plan, and then be quiet and listen.
After you share an important point in your next meeting, ask, ‘How is this sitting with you?’ Then wait at least five seconds.
Offer a break before they ask
When someone is uneasy, tired or overwhelmed, a short break can help more than any argument. If you offer it before they ask, you show that you notice and care. It can be as simple as ‘Shall we take five minutes?’
When you see signs of strain in your next meeting, say, ‘Shall we take five minutes? I will get some water.’
Change your approach when you see the signs
If you see signs of discomfort and keep doing the same thing, the discomfort grows. The skill is to change gently: slower pace, softer words, a different path. You do not need to give up your aim, only find a way that the customer can walk.
The next time you see signs of unease, change one thing: slow down, simplify, or switch from talking to asking. Then watch the effect.
Name the worry out loud, kindly
Often, people are relieved when someone names the worry for them. A kind sentence such as ‘It sounds like the cost is a worry’ can open a door that was closed. Name it softly, as a guess, and give them room to correct you.
In your next meeting, if you sense a worry, say softly, ‘It sounds like you may be worried about X. Am I right?’
Reassure with facts, not just words
When a customer is uneasy, ‘Do not worry’ does not help. What helps is something real: a guarantee, a case, a number, a step-by-step plan. Facts turn a vague fear into a clear question that can be answered.
Before your next meeting, prepare one real piece of proof for the most likely worry: a guarantee, a case study or a clear plan.
Learn their baseline first
Before you can read discomfort, you must know what comfort looks like for this person. That is their baseline. Spend the first minutes of every meeting learning it, by chatting about something easy and watching.
In the first three minutes of your next meeting, ask an easy question, and notice how the person sits, speaks, moves and looks.
The feet that point to the door
Feet are often the most honest part of the body. When a person is engaged, their feet point toward you, and when they want to leave, their feet may turn toward the door. If you notice it, check the whole picture and ask whether they need to go.
In your next meeting, glance at the direction of the other person’s feet or body. If they point to the door, ask, ‘Do you need to be somewhere?’
Reflect after meetings: what did I miss?
After each important meeting, spend two minutes asking: what signs did I notice, what did I miss, and what did I do about it? This habit trains your eye and your heart. Be kind to yourself. The aim is learning, not blame.
After your next meeting, write three lines: one sign I noticed, one thing I might have missed and one change I will try next time.
Arms crossing as a sign
Crossed arms are one of the best-known signs. They can mean that a person feels closed, defensive or uneasy, but they can also mean the person is cold or simply used to sitting that way. If the arms cross at a certain moment, note what happened just before.
In your next meeting, if the other person crosses their arms, note what you said just before, and ask a gentle question about that point.
Fidgeting and touching the face
When people feel stress, they often soothe themselves by touching the face, rubbing the neck, fiddling with a pen or tapping a foot. These movements can signal unease, though they can also be habit. If they begin when a topic is raised, that topic matters.
In your next meeting, notice any self-soothing movement, and what was said just before. Then slow down and check, ‘Does that make sense so far?’
Looking at the clock
A glance at the clock or the watch may be innocent, or it may say, ‘I have another place to be.’ If it happens again and again, take it as a sign that time matters. Respect their time, be brief and offer to end early.
If the other person looks at the clock twice in your meeting, say, ‘I know your time is valuable. Shall I focus on the most important point?’
Shallow breathing and sighs
Breathing tells a story. Fast, shallow breaths can signal stress, and a deep sigh may mean tiredness, frustration or relief. If you hear a sigh, slow down and give a moment of quiet. Often the next thing they say is the true thing.
In your next conversation, listen for sighs and quick breaths. When you hear one, pause, and say softly, ‘Take your time.’
A change in voice pitch
Under stress, the voice often rises in pitch and tightens. A usually calm voice that suddenly goes high or thin may mean that the person feels pressure. Listen to the sound as well as the words, and respond to the sound.
In your next call, listen to the pitch of the other person’s voice. If it rises, slow your pace and lower your own tone.
Going quiet suddenly
A person who was chatty and then goes quiet may be thinking, or may be withdrawing. Sudden silence may mean doubt, worry, hurt or a wish to say no without saying it. Give it a moment, and then ask gently.
If the other person suddenly goes quiet, count to five, then say, ‘You have gone quiet. I would love to hear what you are thinking.’
Short answers after long ones
If a person has been giving long, rich answers, and then begins to give short ones, something has changed. They may feel unsure, annoyed or tired. Notice the moment of change. What did you say just before?
In your next meeting, note if answers suddenly get shorter. Then go back to what you said just before, and ask, ‘Did I say something that did not sit well?’
Forced smiles
A real smile involves the eyes and fades naturally. A forced smile stays in the mouth, lasts too long and may look tight. It can be a polite mask hiding doubt or worry. When you see one, respond with warmth, and give a safe way to be honest.
If the other person’s smile looks polite and fixed, say, ‘I would value your honest view, including any doubts.’ Say it warmly.
Leaning away
When a person is interested, they often lean in, and when they feel unease, they may lean back or turn their body away. If you see it, do not lean in harder. Give space, and soften.
In your next meeting, notice if the other person leans back. Lean back a little yourself, slow down and ask, ‘Is this making sense?’
Blocking with objects
When people feel uneasy, they sometimes put something between you and them: a bag, a folder, a cup or a laptop screen. It is a quiet way of making a small wall. If you see it, make the space feel safer rather than reaching over it.
If someone puts an object between you, do not move it. Soften your tone, give space and ask a gentle question, such as ‘Is there anything I can clarify?’
Rubbing the neck or hands
Rubbing the neck, squeezing the hands or stroking the arms are ways the body calms itself. They often appear when a person feels worry, doubt or stress. When you see them, gently lower the pressure, slow down and give reassurance.
In your next meeting, watch for neck rubs, hand squeezes or arm strokes. If you see one, say softly, ‘Please tell me if I am going too fast.’
Changing the subject
When a topic makes a person uneasy, they may quickly change it. They may talk about the weather, the news or something else entirely. Do not force them back at once. Follow them for a moment, and then return gently, later.
If the other person changes the subject quickly, follow them for a minute, then say, ‘May I come back to what we were discussing, when you are ready?’
Jokes that hide worry
Humour can be a mask. A person who makes a joke just when a serious point arrives may be hiding worry, doubt or fear. Share the smile, and then gently check what is underneath.
If someone makes a joke at a serious moment, smile, then say softly, ‘I know it is a lot. How are you really feeling about it?’
Silence on a call
On the phone or a video call, silence is harder to read, since you cannot see the whole person. It may mean thought, a technical problem, an interruption or discomfort. Wait a few seconds, then check in softly.
In your next call, when a silence lasts more than five seconds, say softly, ‘I am still here. Take your time. Are you thinking, or is there something I can help with?’
Typing in the chat only
Some people on a video call stay silent and only write in the chat. It may mean they are shy, or have a poor microphone, or are not sure they want to speak. Respond kindly. Read their message aloud, thank them and invite them to say more if they wish.
In your next call, read aloud one chat message by name, thank the person, and say, ‘Would you like to add anything?’
Camera off on video
When a person turns off their camera, it may mean poor internet, a messy room, tiredness, privacy, or a wish to hide a reaction. Do not assume it is rude or a sign of dislike. Check kindly, offer choice and respect their answer.
If someone’s camera is off, say gently, ‘You are welcome with camera on or off, whichever is easier for you today.’
Late replies by email
A customer who used to reply in hours, and now replies in days, may be telling you something. They may be busy, unsure or no longer interested. Do not chase with pressure. Reach out with care, and make it easy to say what is true.
If a customer goes quiet, send a short, kind message: ‘I know things get busy. If now is not the right time, that is fine. Please just let me know.’
Shorter emails than before
When a customer’s emails become much shorter, colder or more formal, it may signal discomfort. The warmth has gone, and so has the detail. Notice the change, and respond with warmth and clarity. A phone call may be better than another email.
If a customer’s emails turn short and formal, offer a call: ‘Would it help to talk for ten minutes? I want to be sure that I am meeting your needs.’
Cancelled meetings
One cancelled meeting may be just life. Two or three can be a sign. If a customer keeps cancelling, they may be busy, or unsure about the project. Do not take it personally. Ask what would make things easier.
If a customer cancels twice, say, ‘I want to make this easy for you. What time or format would suit you best, or should we pause for now?’
Culture and body language
The same gesture can mean different things in different cultures. A nod may mean ‘yes’ in one place and only ‘I hear you’ in another. If you read signs without knowing the culture, you may read them wrongly. Learn the norms, and ask for help.
Before you meet someone from a different culture, ask a trusted colleague two questions: what is normal in their body language, and what might I misread?
Differences in personality
Some people are open and expressive, and some are reserved and calm. A quiet face may not mean unhappiness, and a lively face may not mean agreement. Learn to read each person by their own style, not by a single rule.
In your next meeting, ask yourself, ‘Is this person expressive or reserved?’ Adjust how much you expect them to show.
Cold, tired or hungry is not always discomfort
Before you decide that a person is uneasy with you, check the basics. A cold person may cross their arms, a tired person may give short answers and a hungry person may become irritable. Look after the body first.
Before you read a sign as discomfort, ask: is the room too cold, too hot or too noisy? Is it near lunch? Offer water or a break.
Your own signals
You send signals too. If you are tense, hurried or distracted, the customer will feel it and may become uneasy because of you. Before you read others, check your own signs. Breathe, soften your face and slow down.
Before each meeting, check yourself: Is my jaw tight? Are my shoulders high? Is my pace fast? Take one slow breath, and let them drop.
Calming a tense room
A tense room feels like a held breath. People are quiet, stiff and wary. A calm voice, a slow pace and a kind word can lower the tension for everyone. Name the mood gently, and invite a fresh start.
In a tense room, slow your voice, take one breath and say, ‘This is an important topic, and I would like us to take it step by step.’
When to end a meeting early
Sometimes the kindest thing is to stop. If a person is clearly overwhelmed, tired or upset, a long meeting only makes it worse. Say it warmly, offer another time and they will often thank you.
If signs of strain build up in your next meeting, say, ‘I think this is enough for today. Shall we continue on another day?’
When to stop talking
Many sellers talk too much when they feel nervous. If the customer is uneasy, more words often make it worse. A well-timed silence or a short question does more than a long explanation. When you see unease, say less and listen more.
In your next meeting, when you see signs of unease, stop talking. Count to five, and ask one short question, such as ‘What are you thinking?’
Follow up with care
If you noticed discomfort in a meeting, do not leave it there. A short, kind follow-up shows that you saw and that you care. It can turn a worry into a conversation. Keep it light and caring, and offer help, not pressure.
Within a day of a meeting where you sensed unease, send a short note: ‘Thank you for today. If any part felt unclear or heavy, I would be glad to talk it through.’
Build trust so that people can say it
The best way to read discomfort is to make it unnecessary. When customers trust you, they tell you what bothers them without fear. Build that trust with honesty, listening and kind reactions. A person thanked for the truth will tell you more.
Next time a customer tells you something hard, say, ‘Thank you for telling me. That helps me to serve you better.’ Mean it.
Teach your team to notice
Reading discomfort is a team skill. When everyone notices, the customer is cared for at every touch point: the call, the meeting, the email, the delivery. Share the idea, practise together and learn from each other.
Share this lesson with one colleague. Agree on three signs to watch for, and compare notes after your next meetings.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many sales conversations.
“You seem unsure. Shall I explain it differently?”
“Let me stop there. Any questions?”
“Would you like a moment?”
“How are you feeling about this so far?”
“There is no pressure at all.”
“Thank you for being honest.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Learn five signs of discomfort
Watch for them in one meeting
Pause when you notice one
Ask a gentle check-in question
Slow your pace
Offer a break
Review what helped
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Go-Giver (Bob Burg and John David Mann)
- The Trusted Advisor (David Maister and others)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Build Trust That Lasts”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Make Video Calls Feel PersonalNext: Remember the Small Details →
- Smile Like You Mean It
- Use Their Name the Right Way
- Find Common Ground Fast
- Match Their Pace and Energy
- Small Talk That Opens Doors
- Be Interested, Not Just Interesting
- The First Five Minutes Checklist
- Do What You Say You Will Do
- Be Honest About What You Cannot Do
- Share Bad News Early
- Admit a Mistake and Fix It Fast
- Give Before You Ask
- Show Proof Instead of Making Claims
- Keep Promises Small and Real
- Be an Expert Who Teaches
- Give Free Value That Matters
- Recommend What Is Right, Even If It Is Smaller
- Tell Customers What You Would Do
- Be Independent and Honest
- Think Long Term, Not This Month
- Make Customers Smarter
- Open Posture, Open Mind
- The Right Amount of Eye Contact
- A Voice That Feels Safe
- Mirror Without Mimicking
- Dress for the Customer You Serve
- Make Video Calls Feel Personal
- Read Signs of Discomfort
- Remember the Small Details
- Send the Unexpected Thank-You
- Check In Without Selling
- Celebrate Their Wins
- Introduce People to Each Other
- Build a Simple Relationship System
- What to Do When You Make a Mistake
- A Sincere Apology That Works
- Turn an Angry Customer Into a Fan
- Rebuild Trust After a Missed Deadline
- When a Customer Doubts You
- Rise Above Gossip and Reviews
