Match Their Pace and Energy
Forty practical ways to match a person’s pace and energy, so they feel comfortable without feeling copied.
People relax around those who feel in tune. Match gently; do not mimic.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from How to Connect in Business in 90 Seconds or Less (Nicholas Boothman), How to Be Heard (Julian Treasure), Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman), and What Every Body Is Saying (Joe Navarro), and everyday practice. The first six help the most. Pick one and try it today.
People trust those who feel similar in rhythm
We feel safe with people who move and talk like us. Rhythm is a quiet signal of trust. A similar rhythm tells people, ‘You are safe with me.’
In the first minute, listen to their rhythm. Move your own rhythm a little towards theirs.
Hear their pace in the first sentence
The first sentence tells you how fast they live. Listen before you speak. The first sentence is a free guide to their pace.
Take a breath and listen to their first sentence. Note the speed, volume and energy.
The seventy percent rule
Match about seventy percent, not a hundred. Close enough to connect, natural enough to be you. Match about seventy percent, and stay yourself.
Note how far their pace is from yours. Move about seventy percent of the way.
Do not copy exactly
Exact copying looks fake. Match the feeling, not the form.
Notice the feeling of their energy. Match the feeling in your own style.
Slow down for thoughtful people
Thinkers need time to answer. Pause, and let them finish. Slow down, and thoughtful people will open up.
Slow your speech a little. Wait two or three seconds after each question.
Speed up for busy people
Busy people want short, clear and quick. Get to the point kindly. For busy people, speed is a form of respect.
Speak a little faster, in short sentences. State your purpose in thirty seconds.
Calm down an anxious buyer
Lower your pace, and your voice. Calm is contagious. A steady voice calms an anxious buyer.
Listen to the worry without interrupting. Name it kindly.
Read their energy
Energy shows in the face, the voice and the body. Notice high, medium or low. Read the energy in the room, and adjust a little.
In the first minute, read the face, posture and voice. Decide: high, medium or low.
Match their energy on video
Energy is harder to feel on a screen. Lift yours slightly, and keep it natural. On video, add a small lift to match their energy.
Warm up your voice before the call. Listen to their energy in the first minute.
Match their pace by phone
On the phone, speed is all they hear. Listen to the rhythm and join it. On the phone, matching the pace makes the call feel easy.
Listen to their pace and pauses. Move your pace a little towards theirs.
Listen to their speaking speed
Count how many words they say in a breath. Tune your ear to their speed. Hear their speed, and meet them there.
In the first minute, label their speed: fast, medium or slow. Set your own speed a little closer.
Notice their volume
Loud, soft or medium: volume tells you comfort. Do not overpower a soft voice. Respect for their volume is respect for their comfort.
Note their volume in the first sentence. Bring yours a little closer.
Match their level of detail
Some want the big picture, and some want every number. Give the amount of detail they like. Give the level of detail that fits the person.
Ask if they want the short or full version. Start at the level they choose.
Use similar words
Pick up their style of words. Simple with simple, technical with technical. Use words that fit their world.
Listen for the words they use often. Use the same words where it feels natural.
Adjust during the conversation
People change during a talk, so you can too. Keep watching, and keep adjusting. Matching is a dance, so keep adjusting.
Every few minutes, check their pace and mood. Notice any change.
Return to your natural style over time
Start close to them, then relax into you. Be yourself, a little at a time. Start close to them, and then become yourself.
Match their style in the first minutes. Return slowly to your natural style.
Practise noticing
Noticing is a skill that grows with use. Practise on TV, in cafés and on calls. Noticing grows with practice, in small daily moments.
Spend five minutes a day noticing speed, volume and energy. Write down what you saw.
Match their energy in person
In person, posture, space and voice all count. Be warm and aligned. In person, meet their energy with warmth and respect.
Watch how they enter, shake hands and sit. Match their energy level in your voice and movement.
Match their energy in email
Short for short, warm for warm. Mirror length and tone. In email, match length and tone to feel in step.
Look at the length and tone of their email. Reply in a similar style, slightly more polite.
Slow down with careful thinkers
Careful thinkers need facts and time. Do not rush the decision. Slow down for careful thinkers, and they will stay for years.
Provide clear facts in writing. Answer each question fully.
Warm up with high-energy people
Bring brightness, but keep your focus. Let them lead the fun, and guide the plan. Bring brightness to high-energy people, and add order.
Open with a bright, warm tone. Note her ideas on paper.
Lift a low-energy conversation
When the talk is flat, add warmth and a clear question. Do not fake excitement. Lift a flat talk with gentle warmth and an easy question.
Acknowledge the mood kindly. Raise your warmth a little, not too much.
Match their breathing and stillness
Calm bodies feel safe with calm bodies. Breathe slowly with a still person.
Notice how much the person moves. Match their level of stillness or movement.
Match their decision speed
Some decide in minutes, and some in months. Respect their clock. Match their decision speed, and avoid friction.
Ask how they usually decide, and who is involved. Plan your steps to fit their timeline.
Match their humour level
Some love jokes, and some prefer to stay serious. Follow their lead. Follow their lead on humour, and keep it kind.
Listen for humour in their words. Follow their level, never go beyond it.
Match their formality
Follow their level of formal language. Start slightly formal if unsure. Match their level of formality, and show respect.
Read how they greet and dress. Match their level of formal language.
Match their preferred channel
Some like calls, some like email, some like chat. Use the way they prefer. Use the channel they like, and be easy to reach.
Ask how they prefer to be contacted. Write it in your notes.
Match their language level
Use words they find easy. Clear is kind. Clear language helps people to trust you.
Listen to their language level. Use simple words and short sentences.
Match their time pressure
Ask how much time they have. Fit your talk to their clock. Match your talk to their clock.
At the start, ask how much time they have. Shape your plan to fit.
Match the mood of the day
The same person has different moods on different days. Read today’s mood. Read today’s mood, and adjust to it.
Ask how their day is going, and listen to the tone. Decide: low, high or tense.
Do not mirror negative moods
Match their pace, not their anger or gloom. Stay steady and kind. Match their pace, but not their storm.
Hear the feeling and name it kindly. Keep your own voice calm and steady.
Lead gently after you match
First join them, then guide them. Small steps toward calm or energy. Join them first, then guide them gently.
Match their pace for the first minutes. Change your pace slightly towards your goal.
Pace and energy in group meetings
In a group, there are many paces. Find the centre, and include all. In a group, set a pace that includes everyone.
Listen to the group rhythm in the first minutes. Speak at a clear, medium pace.
Match the loudest and the quietest
Two extremes in one room need different care. Hold both with warmth. Make room for both the loudest and the quietest.
Thank the loud member for their input. Ask the quiet member a direct, gentle question.
Match across cultures
Pace and energy differ around the world. Learn the local rhythm. Learn the local rhythm, and respect it.
Learn the basics of the culture’s rhythm. Observe in the first minutes.
Match when they are rude or stressed
Rudeness often comes from stress. Match their urgency, not their tone. Match their urgency, not their rudeness.
Do not take it personally. Match their urgency with quick, clear help.
Notice when pace changes
A sudden change is a signal. Faster may mean worry; slower may mean doubt. A change in pace is a signal worth noticing.
Listen for sudden changes in pace. Note the topic at that moment.
Practise with friends
Friends are a safe place to practise. Ask for honest feedback. Practise with friends, and learn without risk.
Ask a friend to help for ten minutes. Try to match their pace by about seventy percent.
Record yourself and compare pace
Your own recording is a mirror. Listen for speed, tone and pauses. A recording shows you what others hear.
Record a short practice call, or a real one with permission. Listen for speed, tone and pauses.
Leave every meeting at the right speed
End at a pace that suits them. A calm ending is a gift. Leave at their speed, and they will remember you well.
Watch for signs that the meeting is ending. Summarise, and confirm the next step.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many sales conversations.
“Let us take our time with this.”
“Let me get straight to the point.”
“Is this the right pace for you?”
“I will keep my voice low.”
“That sounds exciting!”
“Thanks for setting the pace.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Listen to the first ten seconds
Notice their speed
Adjust yours by ten percent
Match their volume
Match their level of detail
Check how they respond
Review afterwards
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Go-Giver (Bob Burg and John David Mann)
- The Trusted Advisor (David Maister and others)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Build Trust That Lasts”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Find Common Ground FastNext: Small Talk That Opens Doors →
- Smile Like You Mean It
- Use Their Name the Right Way
- Find Common Ground Fast
- Match Their Pace and Energy
- Small Talk That Opens Doors
- Be Interested, Not Just Interesting
- The First Five Minutes Checklist
- Do What You Say You Will Do
- Be Honest About What You Cannot Do
- Share Bad News Early
- Admit a Mistake and Fix It Fast
- Give Before You Ask
- Show Proof Instead of Making Claims
- Keep Promises Small and Real
- Be an Expert Who Teaches
- Give Free Value That Matters
- Recommend What Is Right, Even If It Is Smaller
- Tell Customers What You Would Do
- Be Independent and Honest
- Think Long Term, Not This Month
- Make Customers Smarter
- Open Posture, Open Mind
- The Right Amount of Eye Contact
- A Voice That Feels Safe
- Mirror Without Mimicking
- Dress for the Customer You Serve
- Make Video Calls Feel Personal
- Read Signs of Discomfort
- Remember the Small Details
- Send the Unexpected Thank-You
- Check In Without Selling
- Celebrate Their Wins
- Introduce People to Each Other
- Build a Simple Relationship System
- What to Do When You Make a Mistake
- A Sincere Apology That Works
- Turn an Angry Customer Into a Fan
- Rebuild Trust After a Missed Deadline
- When a Customer Doubts You
- Rise Above Gossip and Reviews
