Be Interested, Not Just Interesting
Forty practical ways to be interested, not just interesting, because people warm to those who are curious about them.
Curiosity is the shortest road to rapport. Ask, listen and remember.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), You’re Not Listening (Kate Murphy), SPIN Selling (Neil Rackham), and Never Split the Difference (Chris Voss), and everyday practice. The first six help the most. Pick one and try it today.
The question that makes people open up
One kind, open question can unlock a whole story. Ask it, and then be quiet. A kind, open question unlocks a person’s story.
Think of one open question about their work or life. Ask it with a warm face.
Interest is more powerful than performance
Showing interest beats showing off. Aim to be interested, not interesting. Be interested, and you will be interesting enough.
Decide to be interested in the next meeting. Talk about yourself less than a third of the time.
Ask "What is the best part of your job?"
It brings a smile and a real answer. It also shows what they value. Asking for the best part of a job brings warmth and insight.
Ask, ‘What is the best part of your job?’ Listen for what they value.
Follow up on their answers
The second question shows you listened. Use their words in it. A follow-up question shows that you truly listened.
Listen to the full answer. Pick one word or idea from it.
Listen without planning your reply
Planning your answer stops you hearing. Let their words land first. Hear first, and reply from understanding.
When they speak, put your reply on hold. Listen to words and tone.
Ask about what they are proud of
Pride is a doorway to the heart. Ask, ‘What are you most proud of?’ Asking about pride opens the heart.
Ask what they are proud of. Listen with warmth, and do not rush.
Resist the urge to top their story
When they share, do not compete. Let their moment be theirs. Do not top their story. Let them have the moment.
When they share, celebrate or listen. Ask a question about their story.
Echo their last words
Repeat the last few words as a question. It invites them to say more. An echo of their last words invites a fuller story.
Listen to the end of their sentence. Repeat the last two or three words as a question.
The power of the pause after a question
Silence invites a deeper answer. Count to three after you ask. A pause after a question lets deeper answers come.
Ask your question clearly. Count to three in silence.
Ask for their advice
People love to help and to teach. Ask, ‘What would you do?’ Asking for advice shows respect and builds closeness.
Ask for advice about something you truly want to learn. Listen, and thank them sincerely.
Ask questions you really want answered
Real curiosity cannot be faked for long. Ask only what you wish to know. Ask what you truly want to know.
Before you ask, check: do I want to know? If not, find a question you care about.
Remember what they say
Memory is a form of respect. Write down what they tell you. Remembering what they say shows you take them seriously.
Take short notes during or after the talk. Read them before the next contact.
Reflect their feelings
Name the feeling you hear. It makes people feel understood. Naming a feeling kindly makes people feel understood.
Listen for the feeling in the words and tone. Offer a gentle guess: ‘It sounds like you feel…’
Keep your stories short and relevant
Share a story only if it helps. Two or three sentences are enough. Keep your stories short, and give the stage back.
Check: is the story relevant and helpful? Tell it in two or three sentences.
Show interest with your body
Face them, nod and lean in slightly. Your body can say ‘I am listening’. Your body can say ‘I am listening’ before you speak.
Face the person with an open posture. Nod gently, and keep a lively face.
Avoid distractions
Phones, laptops and noise break trust. Remove them before you begin. Remove distractions, and give the person your whole attention.
Silence your phone and put it out of sight. Close other windows and notifications.
Thank them for sharing
Sharing takes trust, so say thanks. ‘Thank you for telling me that.’ Thank people for sharing, and they will share more.
After they share, pause. Say, ‘Thank you for telling me that.’
Notice the effect
Watch how your interest changes their face. Let it teach you. Notice the effect of your interest, and let it guide you.
During the talk, watch their face and voice. After the talk, note what brought energy.
Ask "What is the hardest part?"
It reveals the real challenge. It shows you care about their struggle. Ask about the hardest part, and show you can be trusted.
After some warmth, ask the question. Listen and reflect the feeling.
Ask about their story
Everyone has a story. Ask, ‘How did you get here?’ Everyone has a story, and listening to it builds trust.
Ask how they came to their work. Listen for turning points and values.
Ask about what they are worried about
Worries show the real need. Ask gently, and listen. Speak the worries gently, and solve them together.
Ask, ‘What concerns you most?’ Listen without defending.
Ask about their team
People care about their team. Show interest in those they work with. Interest in their team shows you care about their world.
Ask about the team and who uses the product. Listen to strengths and challenges.
Ask about their customers
Their customers are their world. Understand who they serve. Interest in their customers shows you want them to succeed.
Ask who their customers are. Ask what they love and what they complain about.
Ask about their goals for the year
Goals show what matters most. Ask, ‘What do you want to achieve this year?’ Know their goals, and you can help them reach them.
Ask about their goals for the year. Ask why each goal matters.
Ask what they have tried
It shows what worked, and what failed. It also respects their effort. Asking what they tried honours their effort and teaches you.
Ask what they have tried. Listen to what worked and what did not.
Summarise what you heard
A short summary proves you listened. Say it back in your own words. A short summary shows you listened, and prevents mistakes.
Pause near the end of the talk. Summarise in three or four points, using their words.
Ask permission to ask
It shows respect and lowers resistance. Say, ‘May I ask you a few questions?’ Permission to ask makes people feel respected and safe.
Ask permission before a set of questions. Ask again before a sensitive question.
Do not interrogate
Questions in a long row feel like a test. Mix questions with comments. Mix questions with comments, and keep it a conversation.
After each answer, add a short comment. Share a little of yourself.
Share a little to balance
Give a little, to get a little. Sharing makes questions safe. A little sharing makes questions feel safe.
After a few questions, share a short true detail. Keep it brief.
Show interest by email
Ask a real question, and reply to their answers. Make your emails about them. Email that shows interest in the reader stands out.
Read their last message, and mention one point. Ask one real question.
Show interest by phone
On the phone, small sounds say you care. Use ‘I see’, pauses and warm tones. On the phone, small warm sounds show you are listening.
Use small sounds such as ‘I see’ and ‘Go on’. Smile, and keep your voice lively.
Show interest on video
Look at the camera now and then, and react with your face. Keep your face alive. On video, a lively face shows you care.
Look at the camera at times when they speak. Keep a lively face: smile and nod.
Show interest in a group
Include every person with your eyes and questions. Interest should reach the whole room. In a group, spread your interest to everyone.
Look at every person as you speak. Ask each person a question during the meeting.
Show interest when you are tired
Tired minds drift, so use small tricks. Take a breath, and ask one question. Even when tired, simple tricks help you to show interest.
Take a breath, drink water and sit upright. Ask one simple question, and focus on the answer.
Show interest in a person you find dull
No person is truly dull. Look for one thing that surprises you. If you find someone dull, look for what surprises you.
Set a mission: find one surprising thing. Ask about passions, history and skills.
Be interested in the person, not the sale
People feel the difference at once. Care about them as a person. Care about the person, and sales will follow in time.
Before each meeting, ask: how can I help this person? Focus on their needs.
Take notes that show you care
Notes tell people they matter. Say, ‘May I write that down?’ Good notes show people that their words matter.
Ask permission to take notes. Write key words, and look up often.
Follow up on what they told you
Closing the loop proves you listened. Ask, ‘How did it go?’ Following up on what they said turns interest into loyalty.
Note important events they mention. Set a reminder to follow up.
Keep a curiosity habit
Curiosity grows with daily use. Ask one ‘why’ or ‘how’ each day. A daily curiosity habit keeps your interest alive.
Ask one curious question each day. Read or learn something new.
Be interested in someone today
Choose one person, and give them your full interest. See what happens. Be truly interested in one person today.
Choose one person to focus on today. Ask a real question, and listen fully.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many sales conversations.
“What is the best part of your work?”
“What made you choose that?”
“So the busy season is what keeps you up?”
“Last time you mentioned a trip. How was it?”
“Thank you for sharing that.”
“I would love to hear more.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Ask three genuine questions today
Listen without planning your reply
Remember one detail
Mention it next time
Write notes after meetings
Celebrate someone’s news
Reflect on what you learned
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Go-Giver (Bob Burg and John David Mann)
- The Trusted Advisor (David Maister and others)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
