The Right Amount of Eye Contact
Forty practical ways to use the right amount of eye contact, warm enough to connect and gentle enough to be comfortable.
Warm eyes build trust. Look, then look away naturally.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease), What Every Body Is Saying (Joe Navarro), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), and How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), and everyday practice. The first six help the most. Pick one and try it today.
Why your eyes decide the first impression
When two people meet, the eyes meet first, and in that first second each decides, ‘Can I trust this one?’ Too little eye contact looks hidden, too much looks fierce. The right amount feels warm and natural.
At your next greeting, look the person in the eyes, smile with them and say their name. Notice the colour of their eyes, which helps you to hold the gaze naturally.
The three-second rule
A good guide for eye contact is three seconds. Hold the other person’s eyes for about three seconds, look away briefly, then return. Less looks evasive, and much more looks like staring.
In your next conversation, count to three while you look at the person, then glance away softly and return. Do it for five minutes.
How to look away without seeming shy
Looking away is part of good eye contact, but how you do it matters. A slow glance to the side reads as thinking. A quick drop of the eyes to the floor can read as shyness. Return with a small smile.
Practise looking away to the side, slowly, as if thinking, and then returning with a small smile. Do it three times in front of a mirror.
Smile with your eyes, not just your mouth
A real smile reaches the eyes. The skin around them creases and the face glows. A smile that only uses the mouth looks polite but cool. Think of something that makes you glad to see this person, and the warmth shows.
Before your next greeting, think of one thing that makes you glad to meet this person. Let that feeling reach your eyes as you say hello.
Look more when they speak
In good conversation, you look away more when you speak and look more when you listen. Listening with your eyes tells the speaker, ‘I am with you, and your words matter.’
In your next conversation, keep your eyes on the speaker for most of the time they speak. Glance away only briefly and softly.
Look into the lens, not the face
On video, you look at the face on the screen, but the camera is above it, so the other person sees you looking slightly down. To make real eye contact, look into the lens when you speak.
On your next video call, place a small sticker next to your camera lens. Look at it for a few seconds each time you make a key point.
When eye contact is rude: cultures differ
In many Western countries, steady eye contact shows honesty. In some other places it can seem rude or challenging, especially to elders. Looking down can be a sign of respect, not shyness. A little knowledge protects you.
Learn the eye-contact norms of one culture you work with. Ask a colleague from there, and adjust your next meeting accordingly.
Give every person in the room a moment
In a group, a speaker who looks at only one person leaves the rest feeling unseen. Give each person a moment of eye contact, one full thought at a time, and the whole room feels included.
In your next group meeting, look at each person in turn for a full thought, including the quiet ones. Aim to include everyone in the first five minutes.
Free your eyes from your notes
Notes can trap your eyes. If you read from them, the audience sees the top of your head, not your face, and feels the distance. Know your points well enough that a glance is enough, and your eyes are free to meet people.
Reduce your next set of notes to five key words on a card. Practise your talk so that you look at the card only between points.
Spot eye-contact discomfort early
Not everyone likes direct eye contact. Some are shy, tired, anxious or simply of a different style. Watch for quick glances away, looking down and shifting, and soften your gaze to give them room.
In your next meeting, watch for signs that someone is uncomfortable with eye contact. If you see them, look at their hands or the table for a while.
Practise with friends
Eye contact is a habit, and habits grow with practice. The safest place is with friends, where mistakes cost nothing. Chat for five minutes with a warm, steady gaze, then ask how it felt.
Ask a friend for a five-minute chat today. Focus on warm eye contact, and then ask, ‘Was it too much, too little or about right?’
Stay relaxed
Tense eyes look hard. When you try too hard, your face may freeze and the other person feels pressure. A relaxed face with soft eyes is more inviting than a fixed stare. Breathe, drop your shoulders and let your face soften.
Before your next meeting, take one slow breath, drop your shoulders and relax your forehead. Then say hello with soft eyes.
Soften your gaze
A hard gaze says, ‘I am testing you.’ A soft gaze says, ‘I am with you.’ To soften it, take in the whole face instead of fixing hard on one eye.
In your next talk, look at the whole face instead of one eye, and let your brow rest. Notice how the other person relaxes.
Look at the bridge of the nose when nervous
When direct eye contact feels too hard, look at the bridge of the nose, between the eyes. To the other person it looks like eye contact, and to you it feels calmer. Move to the eyes as you relax.
Practise looking at the bridge of the nose in a mirror, then with a friend. Use it at the start of your next nervous meeting.
The triangle gaze for calm talk
Imagine a triangle made of the two eyes and the mouth. As you listen, let your gaze move softly around it instead of fixing on one point. It keeps your look alive and warm, without staring.
In your next conversation, let your gaze move slowly around the eyes-and-mouth triangle, resting for a second at each point.
Eye contact when you are speaking
When you speak, you can look away more, but too much makes you seem unsure. Return to the listener’s eyes at key moments: the start of a point, the end, and at a promise or a price.
In your next talk, look at the listener’s eyes as you begin each main point and as you end it. Glance away only in the middle.
Eye contact when you are listening
Listening is where eye contact works its magic. When you look at a speaker with soft, interested eyes, they feel valued and share the things that matter. Your eyes tell them, ‘Go on, I am listening.’
In your next talk, keep soft eyes on the speaker until they finish. Do not look at your phone, notes or the room.
Eye contact with a shy person
A shy person may find a direct gaze heavy. A gentle, brief look with a warm smile makes them feel safe. Let them set the pace, and let your eye contact grow as they relax.
With a shy person, look warmly for a moment, then look at the document or product together. Return to their eyes when they look at yours.
Eye contact with a very senior person
Meeting a very senior person can make your eyes jump, from nerves or from effort. The aim is calm, respectful, steady eye contact. Remember that senior people are people who like to be heard and respected.
Before your next senior meeting, breathe, and remind yourself, ‘This is a person.’ Then look at them with a calm, respectful gaze.
Eye contact with an angry person
An angry person is hard to look at. You may want to look away or stare back, and both make things worse. A calm, soft, steady gaze says, ‘I hear you, and I am here.’ Anger often falls when a person feels seen.
The next time someone is upset, keep soft eyes on them, breathe slowly and say, ‘I hear you. Tell me more.’ Do not interrupt.
Eye contact when you give bad news
Bad news is the moment when eyes matter most. Looking away makes you seem afraid, and a hard stare feels like an attack. A calm, kind, steady look says, ‘I am telling you the truth, and I care.’
Next time you must give bad news, say it in one clear sentence while looking at the person with kind eyes. Then wait quietly for their reply.
Eye contact when you say thank you
A thank you without eyes is only a word. A thank you with a warm look is a gift. Say their name, say what you thank them for, and let your eyes rest on theirs for a moment.
Today, thank one person while looking into their eyes. Say their name and exactly what you thank them for.
Eye contact at a handshake
A handshake lasts a few seconds but sets the tone for the whole meeting. The best one joins a firm, friendly grip, a warm smile and eye contact. Look into their eyes before your hands meet.
At your next greeting, look into their eyes before the hands meet. Say your name and theirs, and hold the gaze for the whole shake.
Eye contact in a lift or corridor
In a lift or a corridor, strangers often avoid each other’s eyes. A short, friendly look and a small nod brighten the moment and show that you are open. A quick look, a smile and ‘Good morning’ is enough.
Today, give each person you pass in a corridor a brief look, a smile and a ‘Good morning’. Notice how many smile back.
Eye contact in a noisy room
In a noisy room, words are hard to hear, so your eyes carry more of the message. Face the person, look at them clearly and move closer rather than shouting. Your gaze tells them you are with them.
At the next busy event, turn to face the person, step a little closer and keep your eyes on their face. Do not look around the room.
Eye contact with glasses and screens
Glasses can catch the light and hide your eyes, and screens can pull your gaze away from the person. Change your light so there is no glare, and turn from your computer when someone speaks to you.
Check your glasses on your next video call for glare, and move your light if needed. In person, turn away from your screen when someone speaks.
Eye contact with someone who avoids it
Some people avoid eye contact, and it does not always mean dishonesty. It may be shyness, culture, tiredness or a different way of thinking. Look for other signs of trust, and make them comfortable.
With someone who avoids your eyes, look at the work between you, and judge them by what they say and do, not by where they look.
Blink and relax your eyes
When we focus hard, we blink less, and the gaze becomes fixed and intense. A natural blink makes your look softer. Blink at a normal rhythm, and rest your eyes now and then.
In your next talk, notice your blinking. If you feel a stare coming, blink slowly twice and soften your face.
Eye contact when you disagree
When you disagree, your eyes can make the difference between a respectful debate and a fight. A hard stare says, ‘I am against you.’ A calm, warm look says, ‘I am against the idea, and for you.’
In your next disagreement, keep a soft, steady look and begin with, ‘I see it differently, and I would like to understand your view.’
Eye contact when you say a price
The moment you say a price is a test of confidence. If you look away or mumble, the customer feels it is not fair. Say the number once, clearly, hold their eyes and stay quiet.
Practise saying your price aloud in a mirror, eyes up, in a calm voice. Then say it to a friend and stay silent for three seconds.
Eye contact when you make a promise
A promise is only as strong as the person who makes it, and people judge that person by the eyes. Stop, look at the person and say it plainly, such as ‘I will send it by Friday at noon.’ Then keep it.
Next time you promise something, stop, look at the person, say the exact day and time, and write it down in front of them.
Eye contact on a stage
On a stage, you cannot look into every pair of eyes, but you can still make people feel seen. Look at one person for a full thought, then move to another, in every part of the room.
In your next talk, pick five friendly faces across the room. Speak one full thought to each one in turn.
Eye contact with families and children
When you meet a family, a warm look to the parents and a kind look to the children shows that you respect the whole family. Get down to a child’s eye level, smile and speak gently.
At your next family meeting, greet each child by name at their eye level, then turn to the parents. Include everyone in your gaze.
Eye contact when you are tired
When we are tired, our eyes grow dull and drift. Others may read it as boredom, even when we care deeply. Take a short break before important meetings, and keep returning to the person’s eyes.
Before your next important meeting after a long day, splash water on your face, take three deep breaths and walk for two minutes.
Eye contact after a mistake
After a mistake, the urge to look away is strong, but it makes the mistake seem bigger. Look the person in the eyes and say, ‘I made a mistake. I am sorry. Here is how I will fix it.’
The next time you make a mistake, say it first, look at the person and give your plan to fix it in one sentence.
Eye contact and honesty
Many people believe eye contact shows honesty, but it is not proof. A skilled liar can look straight at you, and an honest, shy person may look away. The real aim is not to seem honest, but to be honest.
Before your next important talk, ask yourself, ‘Is what I am about to say true and fair?’ If yes, say it with open eyes.
Practise with a mirror
A mirror is a free coach. You can see what others see: how your eyes look, how your smile works and how your face moves. Five minutes a day can change how you appear.
Tonight, stand before a mirror and say your greeting, your thank you and your price. Watch your eyes and smile, and adjust.
Practise with a friend and ask for feedback
A mirror shows your face, but a friend shows your effect. Ask a friend to watch a short talk and tell you honestly how your eyes felt. Ask three small questions, thank them, and try again with one change.
Ask a friend to watch you give a two-minute talk. Ask: ‘Did my eyes feel warm? Too much? Too little?’ Then try again.
Record yourself on video
A video shows what the mirror cannot: how you look over time. Record a two-minute talk, then watch it with the sound on, and again with it off. Notice one thing to keep and one thing to improve.
Record a two-minute talk on your phone today. Watch it twice, once with sound and once without. Write down one thing to keep and one to improve.
Eye contact in the first five seconds
The first five seconds of a meeting shape the next five minutes. People read your eyes, your smile and your stance. A warm, steady look at the start sets a trusting tone for all that follows.
Before your next meeting, stop at the door, breathe, drop your shoulders, and plan your first look. Then step in and greet with warm eyes.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many sales conversations.
“It is good to see you.”
“I am listening carefully.”
“Let me think for a moment.”
“I want to be clear about this.”
“Thank you for sharing that.”
“It was a pleasure.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Practise three-second gazes
Soften your face
Look away naturally
Include everyone in a group
Use the camera on video
Adapt to culture
Ask a friend for feedback
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Go-Giver (Bob Burg and John David Mann)
- The Trusted Advisor (David Maister and others)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
