Find Common Ground Fast
Forty practical ways to find common ground fast, because shared interests turn strangers into friends.
People like people who are like them. Look for the link, then follow it.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), Influence (Robert Cialdini), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), and SPIN Selling (Neil Rackham), and everyday practice. The first six help the most. Pick one and try it today.
The three-minute common-ground scan
Look for one shared thing in your first three minutes. A simple scan makes it easy. A three-minute scan finds the bridge to a warm talk.
In the first minute, look at the place and the person for clues. In the second minute, ask one open question.
Common ground is a bridge
Shared things connect two people. You walk across, and stay a while. Common ground is a bridge from stranger to partner.
Find one real shared thing. Talk about it for a minute or two.
Ask "What brought you here?"
One question opens a whole story. Use it at events, calls and meetings. One open question can unlock a whole story.
Ask, ‘What brought you here?’ with a smile. Listen for the reason, and for clues.
Listen for clues
People drop small hints all the time. Pick up one and ask about it. Small clues lead to big common ground.
Listen for small hints in what they say. Note one clue in your mind.
Find a shared challenge
A shared problem makes you allies. Say, ‘We faced the same thing.’ A shared challenge turns a seller into an ally.
Listen for the challenge they face. Share a short true story of a similar one.
Ask open questions about their path
Ask how they got where they are. Everyone has a story. Asking about a person’s path opens their story and your bridge.
Ask, ‘How did you get into your work?’ Listen for places, people and turning points.
Do not invent similarities
Fake links break trust fast. Real, small links are enough. A small true link beats a big false one.
Check your link: is it true? Say only as much as is true.
Find shared values, not only hobbies
Shared beliefs bind people more than shared pastimes. Listen for what matters to them. Shared values build a deeper bridge than shared hobbies.
Listen for the values in their words. Link to a value that you truly share.
Use curiosity when you share nothing
No link? Be curious about the difference. Ask, ‘Tell me more about that.’ When you share nothing, share your curiosity.
Admit kindly that you do not know much. Ask an open question about their world.
Keep the talk balanced
Share, then ask. Ask, then share. Do not let one person talk all the time. A balanced talk, like a game of catch, keeps both people happy.
After they speak, respond with a short link. Ask a question to hand the talk back.
Read their space
An office, a desk or a room tells a story. Look around before you speak. A glance at a room can give you a bridge.
Look around the room for one item on display. Ask a friendly question about it.
Check their public profile first
A few minutes of research can reveal good links. Use only what is professional and public. A little research, used lightly, finds the bridge.
Spend five minutes on their public professional profile. Note two or three clues.
Share a small matching detail
When you find a link, add one short true detail. That makes the link real. One small true detail turns a link into a feeling.
After you find a link, add one short detail. Keep it light and true.
Return to business gently
Use a bridge phrase to move on. Say, ‘Speaking of that, may I ask about your goals?’ A gentle bridge moves the talk from friendly to useful.
Pick a word from the topic as a hinge. Say a bridge phrase with a smile.
Remember the connection
Note the shared thing after the meeting. Use it again next time. A remembered link turns a contact into a friend.
After each meeting, write the shared link. Review it before the next contact.
Practise with strangers
Daily small chats build the skill. Try one with a stranger today. Practise with strangers, and clients will feel easy.
Each day, pick one stranger to talk to. Make a light comment or ask a simple question.
Find a shared place
A shared city, town or country is a quick bond. Ask, ‘Where are you from?’ A shared place is a quick, warm link.
Ask where they are from or based. Add a true link if you have one.
Find a shared school or training
A school, a course or a trade can bind people. Ask about their learning path. A shared school or trade is a warm bridge.
Ask where they studied or trained. Share a true link, even a small one.
Find a shared goal
A shared goal puts you on the same team. Ask, ‘What do you hope to achieve?’ A shared goal makes you partners, not strangers.
Ask about their main goal. Link it to what you can do for them.
Find a shared hobby
A hobby brings joy and easy talk. Ask, ‘What do you do to relax?’ A hobby chat can turn a stiff meeting warm.
Ask what they do to relax. Listen, and share if you have the same hobby.
Find a shared favourite
A favourite food, book or film is an easy bridge. Ask, ‘What is your favourite…?’ A shared favourite, and a kept recommendation, build real warmth.
Ask about a favourite book, film or place. Share one of your own with a short reason.
Find shared people
A mutual contact is a trust shortcut. Ask, ‘Do you know…?’ with care. A shared friend is a bridge that someone else has built.
Look for mutual contacts before the meeting. Ask the contact if you may mention them.
Find a shared language or culture
A few words in their language can warm the room. Respect their culture, and learn a little. A few kind words in their language show deep respect.
Learn hello, thank you and goodbye in their language. Learn one custom about greetings or manners.
Find a shared problem in their industry
Know the common troubles in their field. Say, ‘Many in your field face this.’ Knowing the common problems of their field shows you understand.
Read trade news before the meeting. Name one common problem as a question.
Find a shared season of life
New job, new baby, new home: seasons bind people. Listen for the stage of life. A shared season of life reaches the heart.
Listen for hints about their stage of life. Respond with warmth.
Use "me too" carefully
‘Me too’ can build a bridge or steal the stage. Follow it with a question. Use ‘me too’ as a bridge, not as a stage.
Listen to the full story. Say a short ‘me too’ if it is true.
Find common ground by phone
On a call, listen for the sound of the background. Ask about their day to find links. On the phone, listening for clues gives you the bridge.
Begin with a friendly question. Listen for clues in what she says and how she says it.
Find common ground by email
Look at their signature, their wording and their news. Add one warm, true line. One warm line in an email builds a bridge.
Read their email twice for personal clues. Add one warm line in your reply.
Find common ground at events
Events are full of shared reasons to talk. Start with the event itself. The event itself is your first piece of common ground.
Ask about the event, such as the talk or the day. Listen for a link, and share one back.
Find common ground on a first video call
Use the background, the pets and the shared tech problems. Be warm in the first minute. A warm first minute on video finds the common ground.
Greet with a smile and look at the camera. Notice one item in the background that is meant to be seen.
Find common ground with a sceptic
A doubtful buyer needs honesty first. Agree on the goal, not the product. With a sceptic, agree on the goal and earn trust slowly.
Agree that caution is wise. Ask what went wrong before, and listen.
Find common ground with a very busy person
Respect their time, and share their pressure. Be brief, clear and kind. With a busy person, respect for time is your common ground.
Open with respect for their time. Link in one line, then state your purpose.
Find common ground with a senior leader
Leaders share your wish for results. Speak about outcomes and people. With a leader, shared care for results and people is your bridge.
Research their company and goals. Ask about their vision, and listen.
Find common ground with a quiet person
Give them space, time and gentle questions. Quiet does not mean uninterested. With a quiet person, patience is the common ground.
Slow down and ask one question at a time. Allow silence after each question.
Find common ground with a talkative person
Listen with warmth, and steer with kindness. Their stories hold many clues. With a talkative person, listen warmly and steer gently.
Listen with warmth and short responses. Pick up one useful clue.
Find common ground across big differences
Age, culture and background can differ a lot. Human things are shared by all. Human feelings are a bridge across any difference.
Begin with curiosity and respect. Ask about their work, and listen without judging.
Turn common ground into a next step
Use the warm moment to suggest a simple action. Link the bond to the plan. Turn warm common ground into a simple next step.
Link the common ground to a small step. Offer two options.
Keep a common-ground list
Write down the links you find. Review them before each contact. A common-ground list keeps your warmth alive.
After each contact, write the link and one detail. Keep the list in one safe place.
Teach your team to look for links
Share the habit, and the wins. A team that looks for links builds trust. A team that looks for links gives customers warmth everywhere.
Share this habit with your team. Hold a short monthly sharing of good links.
Make one new link today
Pick one person and find one true link. Small daily steps build the habit. One new link each day changes how people meet you.
Choose one person for today. Ask a friendly question and listen for a link.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many sales conversations.
“What do you do outside of work?”
“I see you have a bike in the corner. Do you ride?”
“I am a keen walker myself.”
“We both grew up near the coast.”
“How did you get into that?”
“That was fun to learn.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice three things in a space
Ask one open question about life outside work
Find one shared interest
Remember it
Mention it next time
Record it in your notes
Review weekly
Further reading
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Go-Giver (Bob Burg and John David Mann)
- The Trusted Advisor (David Maister and others)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
