What to Do When a Group Feels Cliquey
Thirty-two easy ways to cope when a group feels cliquey, so you stay confident and find your place.
Cliques are often unintentional. Warm persistence wins.
30 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Art of Gathering (Priya Parker), Bowling Alone (Robert Putnam), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Cliques are common
Long-standing groups often sit and chat in familiar circles without thinking. It is rarely about you.
Stay calm.
Do not take it personally
People are busy with their habits. Most are not trying to exclude.
Reframe.
Smile and greet
A smile and a hello to everyone opens many doors. Be warm.
Smile.
Talk to individuals
Approach people when they are alone, at the drinks or by the door. One-to-one is easier.
Find one.
Find the friendliest person
Look for those who greet newcomers. They may be allies.
Spot them.
Ask questions about the group
Show interest in the history and traditions. People love to share.
Ask.
Offer to help
A task gives you a role and a reason to talk. Help with tea or setup.
Offer.
Come regularly
Familiarity softens cliques. After a few visits you will feel more welcome.
Return.
Invite someone for tea
After a session ask one person for a coffee. One friend can open the circle.
Invite.
Join smaller sub-groups
Many groups have smaller circles for hobbies or tasks. Join those.
Look for them.
Talk to the organiser
Share gently that you are finding it hard to connect. They may help.
Ask for help.
Know when to leave
If after several tries it stays closed, try another group. Fit matters.
Move on.
Script: joining
Hi, mind if I join you for a moment? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: asking
How long have you all been coming to this group? Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: honesty
I am fairly new, so I am still finding my feet. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: inviting
Would you like to grab a coffee before next week’s session? Say it lightly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for chatting with me, see you next week. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: assuming they dislike you
Most people are simply busy with their circles, so stay open.
Be generous.
Mistake: sulking in a corner
Withdrawing confirms the distance, so keep smiling and trying.
Stay present.
Mistake: complaining to others about the clique
Negative talk spreads and hurts you, so stay positive.
Be kind.
Mistake: trying to break in with force
Pushing makes things harder, so be gentle and patient.
Go slowly.
Mistake: comparing yourself to the old members
They had years, so be fair to yourself.
Be kind.
Troubleshoot: when no one talks to you
Approach someone yourself with a simple question. You can lead.
Start.
Troubleshoot: when they exclude you on purpose
Protect your dignity and look for another group. Not all groups are kind.
Leave kindly.
Troubleshoot: when only one person is friendly
Spend time with that person and ask for introductions. One ally can help.
Use your ally.
Troubleshoot: when you feel hurt
Talk to a friend or write it down. Hurt fades with care.
Self-care.
Troubleshoot: when you are tempted to give up
Try three more visits and then decide. Persistence often pays.
Try again.
Drill: speak to three people
At your next event speak to three different people. Note who is warm.
Try it.
Drill: write an ally list
Write the names of people who were kind to you in the group. Reach out.
List.
Drill: invite one person
Invite one member for coffee this month. Keep it simple.
Invite.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Hi, mind if I join you?”
“How long have you all known each other?”
“I am new, but I love this group.”
“Would anyone like to sit with me?”
“Thanks for chatting with me.”
“I will see you next week.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Stay calm
Smile and greet
Talk to individuals
Find the friendliest
Offer help
Be patient
Know when to leave
Further reading
- The Art of Gathering (Priya Parker)
- Bowling Alone (Robert Putnam)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Join Groups”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Follow Up With People Between MeetingsNext: Handle Being the Newest Person →
- Why Groups Beat One-on-One for Making Friends
- Interest Groups That Work
- Local Clubs and Community Groups
- Online Groups That Lead to Real Meet-Ups
- Sports, Games and Creative Groups
- Groups for Introverts
- Try Three Before You Choose One
- Check the Group Beforehand
- Contact the Organiser First
- Arrive Early, Meet Early Birds
- Take a Friend for the First Visit
- What to Wear and What to Bring
- Plan Your First Three Sentences
- Give Yourself Permission to Leave
- How to Join a Group Conversation
- Find the Person Who Is Standing Alone
- Ask the Organiser for an Introduction
- Offer to Help Set Up
- Ask Questions to Learn the Group Culture
- Use Group Activities as Icebreakers
- Stay for the After-Event Chat
- Show Up Consistently
- Remember Names and Stories
- Volunteer for Small Roles
- Contribute Ideas Gently
- Welcome Newcomers Yourself
- Celebrate Group Wins
- Follow Up With People Between Meetings
- What to Do When a Group Feels Cliquey
- Handle Being the Newest Person
- Handle a Difficult Member
- When You Feel Left Out
- Know When a Group Is Not Right
- Leave a Group Without Drama
- Invite One Person for Coffee After Group
- Organise a Small Spin-Off Meet-Up
- Start Your Own Group
- Host a Gathering at Your Place
- Keep the Group Chat Alive
- Your Group Plan
