Try Three Before You Choose One
Thirty-two easy ways to try three groups before you choose one, so you find a place where you truly fit.
Dating groups before committing is smart. Trial, then choose.
30 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Art of Gathering (Priya Parker), Bowling Alone (Robert Putnam), Platonic (Marisa Franco), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Try before you pick
Groups differ in people, mood and style. Trying three gives you a fair view.
Do it.
Pick three options
Choose groups that fit your interests and schedule. Different types help you compare.
Choose.
Book the first visits
Put three dates in your calendar. Commitments happen when scheduled.
Book.
Go with an open mind
Do not decide in the first five minutes. Give each group a fair chance.
Be open.
Take simple notes
After each visit write how you felt, who you met and what you liked. Notes help clarity.
Jot notes.
Rate the vibe
Give each group a score for friendliness, interest, convenience and energy. Numbers help.
Rate them.
Notice how you feel after
Did you feel lighter or heavier? Your body knows.
Check in.
Notice how they welcomed you
Did people greet you or ignore you? Warm welcomes matter.
Observe.
Return to your top two
Attend a second time to confirm. First impressions can mislead.
Go again.
Choose one to commit to
Pick the one that fits best. Commit for a few months.
Decide.
Keep a backup
Keep a second group as a backup or alternate. Variety helps.
Keep one.
Review after three months
Ask whether the group still fits. Adjust if needed.
Review.
Script: planning
I will try three groups this month to see which fits. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: comparing
Which group felt friendlier and more fun? Say it to yourself.
Use it.
Script: asking
Can I attend a taster session before I join? Say it politely.
Use it.
Script: choosing
I am going to commit to the second group. Say it firmly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for having me, I may not return but it was lovely. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Mistake: deciding too fast
First minutes can mislead, so give time.
Wait.
Mistake: trying too many
More than three can overwhelm, so limit.
Stay at three.
Mistake: joining a group only for convenience
Fit matters more than location, so check the vibe.
Check fit.
Mistake: never choosing
Endless sampling keeps you from belonging, so decide after three.
Commit.
Mistake: ignoring your feelings
If you dread it, listen. Choose what feels good.
Trust feelings.
Troubleshoot: when none fit
Try another type or start your own with a friend. Keep exploring.
Try again.
Troubleshoot: when two are equal
Join both for a month and see. You may enjoy both.
Test both.
Troubleshoot: when a group is far
Weigh travel against joy. Some groups are worth the trip.
Decide.
Troubleshoot: when you feel awkward everywhere
It may be nerves, not the group. Give each a second visit.
Be patient.
Troubleshoot: when time is short
Try one group a month for three months. Slow works.
Pace it.
Drill: make a three-group plan
Write three groups, dates and questions to ask. Go.
Plan.
Drill: build a scorecard
Make a simple scorecard for groups with five categories. Use after each visit.
Create.
Drill: decide in one week
After your third visit, decide within a week. Tell someone your choice.
Decide.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“I will try three groups this month.”
“Which one felt friendlier?”
“I will go back to the second.”
“Can I attend a taster?”
“Thanks for having me.”
“I found my group.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Pick three groups
Book first visits
Go with an open mind
Take notes
Compare
Choose one
Commit
Further reading
- The Art of Gathering (Priya Parker)
- Bowling Alone (Robert Putnam)
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Join Groups”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Groups for IntrovertsNext: Check the Group Beforehand →
- Why Groups Beat One-on-One for Making Friends
- Interest Groups That Work
- Local Clubs and Community Groups
- Online Groups That Lead to Real Meet-Ups
- Sports, Games and Creative Groups
- Groups for Introverts
- Try Three Before You Choose One
- Check the Group Beforehand
- Contact the Organiser First
- Arrive Early, Meet Early Birds
- Take a Friend for the First Visit
- What to Wear and What to Bring
- Plan Your First Three Sentences
- Give Yourself Permission to Leave
- How to Join a Group Conversation
- Find the Person Who Is Standing Alone
- Ask the Organiser for an Introduction
- Offer to Help Set Up
- Ask Questions to Learn the Group Culture
- Use Group Activities as Icebreakers
- Stay for the After-Event Chat
- Show Up Consistently
- Remember Names and Stories
- Volunteer for Small Roles
- Contribute Ideas Gently
- Welcome Newcomers Yourself
- Celebrate Group Wins
- Follow Up With People Between Meetings
- What to Do When a Group Feels Cliquey
- Handle Being the Newest Person
- Handle a Difficult Member
- When You Feel Left Out
- Know When a Group Is Not Right
- Leave a Group Without Drama
- Invite One Person for Coffee After Group
- Organise a Small Spin-Off Meet-Up
- Start Your Own Group
- Host a Gathering at Your Place
- Keep the Group Chat Alive
- Your Group Plan
