Respect Someone Who Avoids Your Gaze
Thirty-two ways to respect someone who avoids your gaze, so they feel safe and you stay warm.
Avoiding eyes is not avoiding you. Make comfort your goal.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro), The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease), Presence (Amy Cuddy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Avoiding eyes is not avoiding you
When someone does not look at you, it is easy to feel dismissed. Often they are shy, anxious, thinking, tired or simply comfortable listening that way. It is usually about their own experience, not about how they see you.
Tell yourself, “Their gaze is theirs, not a verdict on me.”
Look for other signs of interest
Nods, words, questions and body direction can show attention even without eye contact. Notice them and you will often see that the person is deeply engaged.
Count three other signs that they are listening.
Soften your own gaze
Intense looks can make shy people look away more. A soft, brief look and a smile make them feel safer.
Soften your look and smile.
Look less
If someone looks away often, reduce your own looking. It lowers pressure and makes talking easier.
Ease off for a minute.
Share attention on an object
Looking together at a photo, a menu or a screen takes the pressure off eye contact. Shared attention creates closeness without staring.
Suggest looking at something together.
Sit side by side
Side-by-side seating, such as on a walk or a car journey, makes conversation easier for many people.
Invite a shy friend for a walk.
Do something together
Cooking, walking, gardening or a puzzle gives people a reason not to face each other. Many deep conversations happen this way.
Plan an activity instead of a sit-down chat.
Speak warmly
A kind tone helps people feel safe. Eye contact often follows once safety is felt.
Soften your voice.
Speak slowly
Slow speech helps people who are anxious or still processing. It tells them there is no rush.
Slow your pace.
Speak clearly
Use direct words. Hints and hedges can confuse people who rely on words more than looks.
Say what you mean kindly.
Give time
Silence is okay. Let them reply in their own time. Rushing increases anxiety and avoidance.
Count to five before you speak.
Ask gentle questions
Open, kind questions help people talk. Avoid a rapid-fire grilling.
Ask one question and wait.
Avoid "Look at me"
Demanding eye contact can raise stress and shut people down. It rarely works and often damages trust.
Never use the phrase.
Avoid labels
Do not call people rude, sneaky or odd for looking away. Learn what is behind it instead.
Replace judgement with curiosity.
Avoid comparing
Do not compare people’s eye contact. Everyone is different, and comparisons hurt.
Accept differences.
Avoid jokes at their expense
Teasing about shyness hurts, and it makes eye contact harder. Be kind.
Choose respect.
Avoid pointing it out
Saying “You are not looking at me” embarrasses people and makes them more self-conscious.
Do not mention it.
Create a safe space
Calm, quiet, non-judgemental places help people open up. Think about lighting, noise and seating.
Choose a quiet place to talk.
Offer choices
“Would you like to sit or stand?” gives control, which reduces anxiety.
Offer a choice.
Offer written options
Some people prefer to write. Offer email or notes as an alternative.
Offer written follow-up.
Offer breaks
Allow time to rest. Ask if they need one. Tired people avoid eyes more.
Offer a short break.
Offer reassurance
“There is no rush, I am glad to talk” is calming and kind.
Say it.
Be patient with shyness
Shy people warm up with time and kindness. Do not mistake slowness for lack of interest.
Give extra time.
Be patient with anxiety
Anxious people may need extra time. Stay calm and warm.
Stay calm.
Be patient with children
Children may look away to think. Stay warm and unhurried.
Smile and wait.
Be patient with elders
Some elders avoid looking as a sign of respect. Honour it.
Respect their style.
Be patient with people from other cultures
Norms may differ. Be gracious and curious.
Be gracious.
Be patient with colleagues
Some people think better looking away. Focus on their work and their words.
Focus on content.
Be patient with yourself
If you avoid eyes too, be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.
Be kind.
Check in privately
If you need to ask, do it kindly and privately: “I want you to feel comfortable. Tell me if anything helps.”
Ask kindly.
Share your own experience
Say “I find eye contact tiring sometimes too”. It builds closeness and lowers shame.
Share a little.
Build trust over time
As trust grows, eye contact often comes naturally. Do not rush.
Be steady.
Notice small steps
A quick glance or smile is a gift. Appreciate it quietly.
Smile warmly.
Respond warmly
When they do look at you, smile warmly without making a fuss.
Be gentle.
Do not fill every silence
If someone looks away and goes quiet, they may be gathering their thoughts. A patient, friendly silence makes it much easier for them to speak.
Count slowly to five before you speak.
Make your own face easy to read
If someone avoids your eyes, they may still glance at your expression. A relaxed face and a gentle smile give them quick, low-pressure reassurance.
Keep a soft expression.
Teach others
Share what you have learned with friends and family. More understanding makes the world kinder.
Share one idea.
Celebrate understanding
When people feel safe with you, enjoy it. It is a real gift.
Note it.
Make your home a no-pressure place
At home, let family members look where they like when they talk to you. A household where nobody is told to look at anyone tends to be one where people look at each other happily.
Drop “look at me” at home for a week.
Notice what the person does show
People who avoid eyes often show care in other ways: remembering details, being on time, helping quietly. Noticing these other signals helps you see their warmth clearly.
Name one way a shy person shows care.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I am glad you are here.”
“Take your time, there is no rush.”
“We can talk side by side if you like.”
“I am listening, go on.”
“Thank you for sharing that with me.”
“It was good talking with you.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Soften your gaze
Slow your pace
Sit at an angle
Use a warm voice
Offer other ways to connect
Never demand eye contact
Thank them for talking
Further reading
- What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro)
- The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease)
- Presence (Amy Cuddy)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Making Eye Contact”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: When Eye Contact Is Hard for Neurodivergent PeopleNext: Keep It Gentle, Never Intense →
- What Eye Contact Really Says
- Why Looking Away Feels Safer
- The Trust Signal in Your Eyes
- How Eye Contact Builds Connection
- What Science Says About Gaze
- Too Little, Too Much, Just Right
- Why It Feels Hard, and Why It Gets Easier
- Begin With the Space Between the Eyebrows
- The Three-Second Rule
- Look at the Eyes, Then the Smile
- Practise With a Mirror First
- Practise With a Pet or a Photo
- Hold a Gaze for One More Second
- Build Up Slowly Day by Day
- Look While Listening, Glance While Thinking
- The Triangle Technique
- Break Eye Contact the Natural Way
- Eye Contact in Groups
- Keep Contact When You Are Talking About Yourself
- Match the Other Person's Comfort
- Use Your Eyes to Show Interest
- The First Hello
- Job Interviews and Eye Contact
- Eye Contact When Saying Sorry
- Eye Contact on a Date
- Hold Your Gaze When Saying No
- Eye Contact When Giving a Speech
- Eye Contact With Someone Senior
- Look at the Camera, Not the Screen
- Set Your Screen Up for Better Contact
- Nod and React on Video
- Avoid the Wandering Eye Online
- Look Present on a Long Call
- Build Warmth Through a Lens
- Eye Contact Rules Around the World
- When Eye Contact Is Hard for Neurodivergent People
- Respect Someone Who Avoids Your Gaze
- Keep It Gentle, Never Intense
- Your Daily Eye Contact Challenge
- Make It a Natural Habit
