Keep Contact When You Are Talking About Yourself
Thirty easy ways to keep eye contact when talking about yourself, so you look sincere and calm.
Look while you share. Honest looks build trust.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro), The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease), Presence (Amy Cuddy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Looking while you share
Many people look at others while listening but drop their eyes when they begin talking about themselves. Keeping a soft look while you share tells your listener you stand behind your words.
Notice where your eyes go when you answer “How was your weekend?”
Why the eyes drop
Talking about yourself can feel exposing, so the eyes retreat to protect you. It is a natural reaction, not a flaw.
Tell yourself, “Sharing makes me shy, and that is okay.”
Look at the start
Meet their eyes as you begin your sentence, then let your gaze relax. A look at the start says “I am speaking to you”.
Look up for your first five words.
Look again at the end
Return your eyes as you finish. The look at the end says “that is my point” and invites a reply.
Look at them as you say your last words.
Glance away in the middle
It is natural to look away briefly while you search for words or organise a story. Treat the middle as thinking time.
Glance to the side in the middle of a story.
Look at them for your key sentence
When you say the most important sentence, hold your look. Listeners trust and remember statements said with eye contact.
Mark your key sentence and look as you say it.
Look for reactions
As you share, watch their face. Nods, smiles and concern are feedback. Your eyes become a way of checking that you are understood.
Look for one nod in your next story.
Share small things first
Practise by sharing small personal facts with a steady look, like your favourite food or a recent film. Low-stakes sharing builds the habit.
Share one small fact with your eyes up.
Move to bigger things
When small shares feel easy, share a slightly bigger story, such as a funny mistake, with a soft look.
Tell a short story with a look.
Look down for the sad part
When you reach an emotional part, it is natural to look down briefly. Then look up to land the lesson. Both are human.
Look down for the sad moment and up for the point.
Pair your eyes with your tone
A steady, warm voice and a soft look are a team. If your voice shrinks, lift your eyes a little.
Lift your gaze when your voice drops.
Pair your eyes with a smile
A smile when talking about something you love makes you look sincere. Let your eyes join in.
Smile as you talk about a hobby.
Talk to one friendly face
If a room feels intimidating, choose the friendliest face and share with them. Their warmth helps you.
Pick a kind face.
Imagine a friend
If you are nervous, imagine you are telling your story to a close friend. Your eyes will warm up.
Picture a friend as you speak.
Take a breath before you start
A slow breath helps your eyes stay up. Breathe out as you begin to speak.
Breathe, look, begin.
Slow down
Rushing makes you look away. A slower pace gives your eyes time to stay.
Speak slower and look.
Do not rehearse while looking away
If you are rehearsing in your head, your eyes dart. Stay in the room.
Stay present.
Do not read your notes constantly
In presentations, glance at notes and look up. Speak to people, not paper.
Look up after each glance.
Do not watch yourself on video
On calls, avoid watching your own picture. It pulls your gaze from others.
Hide self-view.
Do not look at the floor
Floors do not respond. Lift your chin slightly.
Raise your chin.
Do not look at the ceiling
Looking up for answers can seem evasive. Glance sideways instead.
Look sideways.
Scene: an interview
Talking about yourself is the whole point of an interview. Keep a steady look for your key examples and glance away briefly when you think.
Practise your examples with eye contact.
Scene: a date
Sharing stories on a date is easier with warm looks. Keep it relaxed and smile.
Share with a smile.
Scene: networking
Introduce yourself with a look and a short line: “I am Sam, I work in design.” It makes a stronger impression.
Look as you say your name.
Scene: a family gathering
Sharing with relatives can be hard. Pick one kind relative and look at them as you speak.
Share with your favourite.
Scene: a meeting update
When you give an update, look around the table. Make each person feel included.
Look at each person once.
Scene: on video
On a call, look at the lens when you say your key point. It feels like eye contact to them.
Look at the camera.
Scene: on the phone
Imagine the person’s face while you talk. It warms your voice.
Picture them.
Scene: with a child
Get to their level and look at them as you tell a story. They love it.
Kneel and look.
Scene: with an elder
Show respect with warm eye contact as you share. It honours them.
Look warmly.
If you feel exposed
Remind yourself that listeners are usually kind. Most people are on your side.
Say, “They are on my side.”
If you blush
Blushing is common and passes. Keep going and smile.
Breathe and continue.
If your voice shakes
Slow down, breathe and look at a kind face. It settles.
Take a breath.
If you lose your thread
Pause, glance away, breathe and return. No big deal.
Pause and breathe.
Practise with a friend
Tell a friend a two-minute story with a soft look. Ask for feedback.
Try it.
Practise with a recording
Record a story and watch where your eyes go. Adjust.
Record.
Track your progress
Note how long you can keep contact while sharing. Watch it grow.
Write a note.
Celebrate sharing
Each time you share with your eyes up, you are growing. Be proud.
Say, “I shared and I looked.”
Share one honest feeling with your eyes up
Say one honest thing, such as “I was nervous about this”, looking at a friendly face. Owning a feeling aloud with steady eyes builds openness, and people usually respond warmly.
Share one small honest feeling with your eyes on the listener.
Use a "story spot" on the wall
If you tend to stare into space while you tell a story, pick a neutral spot to rest your eyes in the middle of the story, then return to the person for the ending. It looks natural and lets you think.
Choose a neutral spot for the middle of your next story.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I breathe before I share.”
“I look at their eyes.”
“I will tell you about me.”
“I let a pause happen.”
“I return to their eyes.”
“Thanks for listening.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Breathe
Look at them
Share one thing
Glance aside
Return
Smile
Ask back
Further reading
- What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro)
- The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease)
- Presence (Amy Cuddy)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
