Match the Other Person's Comfort
Thirty easy ways to match the other person’s comfort, so your eye contact feels safe and kind to them.
Follow their lead. Comfort comes first.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro), The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease), Presence (Amy Cuddy), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Follow their lead
Everyone has a comfortable amount of eye contact. Some people like steady looks, some prefer more glances away. Watching how the other person behaves tells you how much to offer.
Notice how long they look at you in the first minute.
Watch their pattern
If they look at you steadily, you can look steadily too. If they glance away often, do the same. Matching puts people at ease.
Mirror their rhythm.
Watch their body
Leaning back, crossed arms and turned shoulders can signal discomfort. Soften your gaze if you see them.
Read their body.
Watch their face
A tense face or quick glances at you can mean they find the look intense. A relaxed face and smile mean comfort.
Notice their expression.
Watch their feet
Feet pointing toward you suggest interest. Feet pointing away suggest they may want to leave.
Glance at their feet.
Ease off if they look away
If they break eye contact often, reduce your looks and let your voice do more. Give them space.
Give them space.
Increase if they hold your gaze
If they hold your look and smile, you can hold too. Enjoy the connection.
Stay with them.
Scene: a shy colleague
A shy colleague answers your question looking at the table. Soften your look, nod and speak warmly. They will warm up over weeks.
Be gentle with a shy colleague today.
Scene: a nervous interviewee
If you interview someone nervous, look kindly and smile, with fewer long stares. It helps them show their best.
Soften your gaze as an interviewer.
Scene: a grieving friend
A grieving friend may look down. Sit beside them, offer a soft look now and then and let silence be.
Be quietly present.
Scene: an anxious child
An anxious child may avoid your eyes. Kneel, speak softly and let them look when ready.
Get to their level.
Scene: an older relative
An older relative may prefer gentle looks and a kind voice. Do not stare.
Be warm and soft.
Scene: someone from another culture
They may look at you less, as a sign of respect. Take cues from them and stay warm.
Follow their lead.
Be gentle with shy people
Shy people may find eye contact hard. Use soft, brief looks and a warm voice.
Be kind.
Be gentle with anxious people
Anxious people may avoid eyes. Do not demand eye contact. Make them feel safe.
Stay calm.
Be gentle with autistic people
Many autistic people find eye contact uncomfortable. Do not insist. Listen to their words and respect their style.
Accept their way.
Be gentle with people in pain
In illness or distress, eye contact can feel too much. Offer gentle presence.
Be soft.
Be steady with confident people
People who like strong eye contact will respond to your steady look. Do not be intimidated.
Look back calmly.
Match their distance
People who stand close often like more direct gaze. If they stand further, ease up.
Mind the distance.
Match their energy
Quick, energetic talkers may like quick glances. Slow, thoughtful speakers prefer gentler looks.
Match their pace.
Match their setting
In a noisy room, quick looks are common. In a quiet room, steadier looks work.
Match the place.
Match their mood
If they are upset, soft looks. If they are joyful, bright looks.
Be responsive.
Match their role
With a boss, respectful steady looks. With a child, warm playful ones.
Adapt to role.
Ask if unsure
If you are unsure, say, “Tell me if I am looking too much.” Honesty is respectful.
Check in.
Offer a choice
On video, say, “Feel free to look away, I am happy to listen.” It lowers pressure.
Offer ease.
Make it okay
Say, “Take your time” and look gently. People feel safe.
Be patient.
Do not force
Never demand “Look at me”. It creates fear. Offer warmth.
Invite, do not demand.
Do not stare
A stare can feel threatening. Keep it soft.
Blink.
Do not judge
Looking away does not mean lying or rudeness. Be curious.
Be curious.
Do not take it personally
If someone avoids your eyes, it is often about them.
Stay kind.
Use your voice
If eye contact is limited, a warm voice can bridge the gap.
Speak warmly.
Use your face
A smile and open expression connect without long looks.
Smile.
Use your words
Say, “I am glad to be talking with you.” Words complement eyes.
Say it.
Use your presence
Sit calmly and listen. Presence is powerful.
Be present.
Learn from experience
After conversations, notice who preferred what. You will learn patterns.
Reflect.
Practise empathy
Imagine how the other person feels. It guides your gaze.
Think of them.
Be flexible
Adjust moment by moment. Flexibility is kindness.
Adapt.
Celebrate rapport
When both of you feel comfortable, enjoy it.
Note the ease.
Use the first minute to calibrate
Spend the first minute of a new conversation simply observing how the other person looks, glances away and returns. Treat it as tuning an instrument, then play at their level.
Pay attention to their eye pattern for sixty seconds before deciding how much to look.
Offer a look as an invitation
A warm look that can be accepted or declined feels safe. Hold it briefly, smile and let them respond when ready. The invitation style works for shy and confident people alike.
Offer a look and a smile, then let them choose whether to return it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I watch how they look.”
“I match their level.”
“I soften my gaze.”
“I give them space.”
“Is this okay for you?”
“Thanks for talking.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice their gaze
Match their level
Soften
Give space
Check in
Adjust
Smile
Further reading
- What Every BODY Is Saying (Joe Navarro)
- The Definitive Book of Body Language (Allan and Barbara Pease)
- Presence (Amy Cuddy)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Making Eye Contact”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Keep Contact When You Are Talking About YourselfNext: Use Your Eyes to Show Interest →
- What Eye Contact Really Says
- Why Looking Away Feels Safer
- The Trust Signal in Your Eyes
- How Eye Contact Builds Connection
- What Science Says About Gaze
- Too Little, Too Much, Just Right
- Why It Feels Hard, and Why It Gets Easier
- Begin With the Space Between the Eyebrows
- The Three-Second Rule
- Look at the Eyes, Then the Smile
- Practise With a Mirror First
- Practise With a Pet or a Photo
- Hold a Gaze for One More Second
- Build Up Slowly Day by Day
- Look While Listening, Glance While Thinking
- The Triangle Technique
- Break Eye Contact the Natural Way
- Eye Contact in Groups
- Keep Contact When You Are Talking About Yourself
- Match the Other Person's Comfort
- Use Your Eyes to Show Interest
- The First Hello
- Job Interviews and Eye Contact
- Eye Contact When Saying Sorry
- Eye Contact on a Date
- Hold Your Gaze When Saying No
- Eye Contact When Giving a Speech
- Eye Contact With Someone Senior
- Look at the Camera, Not the Screen
- Set Your Screen Up for Better Contact
- Nod and React on Video
- Avoid the Wandering Eye Online
- Look Present on a Long Call
- Build Warmth Through a Lens
- Eye Contact Rules Around the World
- When Eye Contact Is Hard for Neurodivergent People
- Respect Someone Who Avoids Your Gaze
- Keep It Gentle, Never Intense
- Your Daily Eye Contact Challenge
- Make It a Natural Habit
