Listen With the Goal of Understanding
Thirty-two easy ways to listen with the goal of understanding, the rare skill that makes people want to talk to you.
Listen to understand, not to reply. Understanding is a gift.
30 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
What listening to understand means
It means paying full attention to learn what the other person thinks and feels, not to prepare your answer. People notice and feel valued.
Try it.
Stop what you are doing
Turn towards them and put distractions down. Your body shows that they matter.
Face them.
Quiet your inner voice
Notice the urge to plan your reply and gently let it go. Return to their words.
Return to them.
Listen for feelings
Beneath facts are feelings like worry, pride or hope. Listening for feelings shows deep care.
Hear the feeling.
Listen for what matters to them
Notice what they repeat or say with emphasis. That is the heart of the story.
Notice repeats.
Ask to understand
Say, can you tell me more about that? or what was the hardest part? Questions that seek understanding invite trust.
Ask kindly.
Check you understood
Say, so you felt left out, is that right? Checking prevents mistakes and shows care.
Check it.
Reflect their feeling
Say, it sounds like that was really hard. Naming feelings helps people feel understood.
Reflect.
Stay curious, not judging
Suspend your opinions for a while. Understanding comes before agreeing.
Be curious.
Hold back advice
Many people want to be heard, not fixed. Ask whether they want suggestions.
Ask first.
Allow silence
Pauses give people room to find words. Do not rush to fill them.
Wait.
Thank them for sharing
Say, thank you for telling me. It honours their trust.
Thank them.
Script: inviting
Tell me more about that, I would like to understand. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: checking
So you felt left out when that happened, is that right? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: reflecting
It sounds like that was really hard for you. Say it softly.
Use it.
Script: asking
What was the hardest part of it for you? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thank you for explaining, I understand much better now. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: interrupting with your own story
It steals their moment, so wait until they finish.
Wait.
Mistake: solving too quickly
Fast fixes can feel dismissive, so listen first.
Listen.
Mistake: pretending to listen
People can tell, so give honest attention or say you need a moment.
Be present.
Mistake: looking at your phone
Screens signal low priority, so put it away.
Look up.
Mistake: judging in your head
Judgement leaks into your face, so stay curious.
Soften.
Troubleshoot: when your mind wanders
Notice, breathe and return to their eyes and words. Wandering is normal.
Reset.
Troubleshoot: when you disagree
Say, I see it differently, and I want to understand how you see it. Both can be true.
Stay open.
Troubleshoot: when they ramble
Smile and reflect the main point gently. Kindness steers.
Steer gently.
Troubleshoot: when you feel triggered
Breathe, ground yourself and say you need a moment. Care for yourself too.
Pause.
Troubleshoot: when on a call
Close other tabs, nod and use small sounds. Voice carries presence.
Be present.
Drill: ten-minute listening
Listen to a friend for ten minutes without giving advice. Reflect only.
Try it.
Drill: practise reflection
Write three reflecting phrases and use one today. Notice their reaction.
Practise.
Drill: notice your urge to reply
Count how often you plan your reply in a chat. Aim to reduce.
Count.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Tell me more about that.”
“Did I understand you right?”
“It sounds like that was hard.”
“What matters most about it for you?”
“Thanks for explaining.”
“I understand much better now.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Stop and face them
Quiet your mind
Hear the feeling
Ask to understand
Reflect back
Hold your advice
Thank them
Further reading
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
- How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
- We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Start a Conversation”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Add a Little HumourNext: Put the Phone Away Completely →
- Ten Easy Openers for Any Situation
- The Weather, the Venue, the Day
- Ask What Brought Them Here
- The Question That Beats How Are You
- Use Your Surroundings
- Share a Small Observation
- Start With a Compliment on Choice, Not Looks
- Open Questions vs Closed Questions
- The Follow-Up Question Habit
- Ask About Their Story, Not Their Job Title
- Ask About Their Weekend Plans
- Ask Their Opinion on Something Light
- Ask About Passions and Hobbies
- Questions to Avoid on a First Chat
- The Ping-Pong Rule of Conversation
- Give Back as Much as You Ask
- Find Common Ground Fast
- Use Their Last Words to Continue
- Share Opinions and Stories Gently
- Move From Small Talk to Meaningful Talk
- Add a Little Humour
- Listen With the Goal of Understanding
- Put the Phone Away Completely
- Nod, Smile and Say Mm-Hm
- Reflect Back What You Heard
- Do Not Plan Your Reply Early
- Let Silence Breathe
- Remember Details and Bring Them Back
- What to Do When the Chat Dies
- When Your Mind Goes Blank
- When You Disagree
- When They Are Shy Too
- When Someone Talks Too Much
- Recover From a Silly Comment
- Join a Group Conversation Smoothly
- Start a Chat With a Colleague
- Start a Chat With a Neighbour
- Exit Lines That Never Offend
- Say Goodbye and Plan to Meet Again
- Your Daily Conversation Practice
