Start With a Compliment on Choice, Not Looks
Thirty-two easy ways to start with a compliment on choice, not looks, so your kindness feels warm and safe.
Praise choices, not bodies. It always lands well.
28 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why choices are safe
Praising what people chose, like a book, a hat or a plan, feels friendly. Praising bodies or looks can feel personal or awkward.
Choose wisely.
Notice a choice
Look at bags, books, pins, scarves, drinks or ideas they shared. Choices tell stories.
Notice one.
Be specific
Say, I love your choice of bag, the colour is great. Specific beats general.
Be specific.
Be sincere
Only say what you mean. Insincere praise feels hollow.
Be real.
Add a question
Ask, where did you find it? People love to share stories.
Ask.
Praise skills and efforts
Say, you explained that really well. Effort praise lifts people.
Notice effort.
Praise taste
Say, great taste in music. Taste praise is personal but safe.
Notice taste.
Praise ideas
Say, that is a clever idea. People love being heard.
Praise ideas.
Praise kindness
Say, that was a kind thing you did. Kindness praise warms.
Notice kindness.
Keep it short
One sentence is enough. Do not overdo.
Be brief.
Receive their thanks
Smile and say, my pleasure. Do not argue.
Smile.
Move on naturally
After a compliment and a question, follow their answer. The chat opens.
Follow.
Script: bag
I love your choice of bag, the colour is great. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: question
Where did you find it? Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: idea
That is a really clever idea, thank you for sharing it. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Script: kindness
That was such a kind thing you did. Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: closing
It suits you well, enjoy your day. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Mistake: over-complimenting
Too much feels fake, so keep one.
Be balanced.
Mistake: compliments that sound like flirting
Keep them neutral, so be clear and respectful.
Be careful.
Mistake: comparing people
Comparisons can hurt, so praise on their own.
Stay personal.
Troubleshoot: when they brush it off
Smile and say, it is true. They may be shy.
Be kind.
Troubleshoot: when it feels awkward
Keep it short and move to a question. Awkwardness fades.
Move on.
Troubleshoot: when culture differs
Some cultures prefer less personal praise. Choose objects and effort.
Adapt.
Troubleshoot: when you feel shy
Practise with a friend first. Say it aloud.
Rehearse.
Troubleshoot: when you are not sure it is welcome
Praise the choice, not the person. It is rarely unwelcome.
Stay safe.
Drill: give three compliments
Give three specific choice-based compliments this week. Note smiles.
Do it.
Drill: write five compliment lines
Write five choice-based compliments you could use. Save them.
Write.
Drill: pair with a question
For each compliment write a question to follow. Practise.
Pair.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“I love your choice of bag.”
“Where did you find it?”
“I have been looking for something like that.”
“Is there a story behind it?”
“Thanks for sharing.”
“It suits you well.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice a choice
Pick something specific
Say it warmly
Add a question
Listen
Share a thought
Move on kindly
Further reading
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
- How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
- We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Start a Conversation”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Share a Small ObservationNext: Open Questions vs Closed Questions →
- Ten Easy Openers for Any Situation
- The Weather, the Venue, the Day
- Ask What Brought Them Here
- The Question That Beats How Are You
- Use Your Surroundings
- Share a Small Observation
- Start With a Compliment on Choice, Not Looks
- Open Questions vs Closed Questions
- The Follow-Up Question Habit
- Ask About Their Story, Not Their Job Title
- Ask About Their Weekend Plans
- Ask Their Opinion on Something Light
- Ask About Passions and Hobbies
- Questions to Avoid on a First Chat
- The Ping-Pong Rule of Conversation
- Give Back as Much as You Ask
- Find Common Ground Fast
- Use Their Last Words to Continue
- Share Opinions and Stories Gently
- Move From Small Talk to Meaningful Talk
- Add a Little Humour
- Listen With the Goal of Understanding
- Put the Phone Away Completely
- Nod, Smile and Say Mm-Hm
- Reflect Back What You Heard
- Do Not Plan Your Reply Early
- Let Silence Breathe
- Remember Details and Bring Them Back
- What to Do When the Chat Dies
- When Your Mind Goes Blank
- When You Disagree
- When They Are Shy Too
- When Someone Talks Too Much
- Recover From a Silly Comment
- Join a Group Conversation Smoothly
- Start a Chat With a Colleague
- Start a Chat With a Neighbour
- Exit Lines That Never Offend
- Say Goodbye and Plan to Meet Again
- Your Daily Conversation Practice
