Making Friends / How to Start a Conversation / Lesson 17

LESSON 17 · HOW TO START A CONVERSATION

Find Common Ground Fast

Thirty-two easy ways to find common ground fast, so a stranger starts to feel like a friend within minutes.

Common ground is a shortcut to warmth. Look for the first thing you share.

30 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

30 tips that really help

These ideas come from The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Why common ground works

People like those who are similar to them. Finding a shared interest makes the chat easy and gives you something to build on.

TRY THIS
Look for it.

TIP 2

Listen for clues

Listen for words about hobbies, places, food, work and family. Each is a possible link.

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Listen closely.

TIP 3

Ask about interests

Ask what they do for fun, then listen for overlap. People enjoy talking about their interests.

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Ask.

TIP 4

Name the shared thing out loud

Say, oh I love that too! Naming common ground makes it real and warm.

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Say it.

TIP 5

Ask how they got into it

When you find a shared interest, ask about their story with it. This deepens the link.

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Explore it.

TIP 6

Share your side briefly

Add your own small story about the shared thing. Mutual sharing builds closeness.

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Share a line.

TIP 7

Look for places in common

Have you been to this place or lived near there? Shared places create stories.

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Ask about places.

TIP 8

Look for people in common

Do you know this person or group? Shared people build trust quickly.

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Ask about people.

TIP 9

Look for experiences in common

Being new in town, becoming a parent or changing jobs. Shared experiences bond.

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Ask about life.

TIP 10

Look for values in common

You may share kindness, humour or curiosity. Notice it and say so.

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Notice values.

TIP 11

Do not force it

If you cannot find common ground, enjoy their differences. Curiosity is also a bridge.

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Be curious.

TIP 12

Follow up on the shared thing

Suggest doing it together, like a walk or a game. Shared activity makes friends.

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Suggest a plan.

TIP 13

Script: finding

Oh, I love that too, how did you get into it? Say it brightly.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: places

Have you ever been to the lake near here? I go there often. Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: experiences

I moved here recently as well, it has been quite a change. Say it kindly.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: plan

We should go for a walk together sometime. Say it lightly.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks, this has been fun, I am glad we found so much in common. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: pretending to share interests you do not

Fake interests collapse later, so be honest and curious instead.

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Be real.

TIP 19

Mistake: dismissing differences

Differences make chats interesting, so stay curious about them.

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Be open.

TIP 20

Mistake: talking only about the shared thing forever

Mix topics so the friendship grows beyond one subject.

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Branch out.

TIP 21

Mistake: competing about the shared interest

Showing off can push people away, so enjoy it together.

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Stay warm.

TIP 22

Mistake: giving up if no link appears quickly

Common ground can take a few chats, so keep exploring gently.

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Be patient.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when you have nothing in common yet

Ask about food, travel and weekends. One of these will connect you.

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Keep exploring.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when they are very different from you

Be curious about their world and share yours. Differences can be exciting.

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Learn from them.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when they say little

Offer a few topics and see which lights them up. Watch their face.

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Offer options.

TIP 26

Troubleshoot: when you feel shy

Prepare three topics you could share. Having them ready calms you.

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Prepare.

TIP 27

Troubleshoot: when the shared thing is sensitive

Keep it light and respect their feelings. Not every link needs deep talk.

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Be gentle.

TIP 28

Drill: find one link

In your next chat find one thing you share and say it aloud. Note their smile.

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Try it.

TIP 29

Drill: list your own hooks

Write five things about you that could link you to others, like hobbies and places. Memorise them.

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Write.

TIP 30

Drill: follow up on a link

After finding a link, message the person about it within two days. Keep it warm.

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Message.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

SEARCH

“Do you also enjoy walking?”

DISCOVER

“You like jazz too, that is great.”

CONNECT

“We both have a dog.”

EXPLORE

“How did you get into that?”

THANK

“Thanks, this is fun.”

CLOSE

“We should do this again.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Listen for clues

DAY 2
Name what you share

DAY 3
Ask about it

DAY 4
Explore the shared thing

DAY 5
Share your side

DAY 6
Plan to meet again

DAY 7
Remember it

Further reading

• The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
• How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
• We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.