Do Not Plan Your Reply Early
Thirty-two easy ways not to plan your reply early, so you really hear people and your answers come out naturally.
Listen first, speak second. Trust your words to arrive.
30 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why early planning backfires
When you rehearse your reply while someone talks, you miss half of what they say. Their words are the best guide to your answer.
Listen first.
Notice the urge to plan
It feels like preparation, but it blocks listening. Spotting it is the first step.
Notice it.
Breathe and refocus
A slow breath brings you back to their face and voice. Return gently each time.
Breathe.
Listen to the whole sentence
Do not start composing until the end. You can think after they finish.
Wait for the end.
Wait one second before replying
A short pause gives your brain time to craft a natural reply. It also shows care.
Pause.
Trust yourself
You have been answering people all your life. Your words will come.
Trust it.
Reply simply
A short, honest answer is better than a perfect one. Keep it plain.
Be simple.
Echo their words
If your mind goes blank, repeat a key word and ask about it. Easy rescue.
Use an echo.
Ask a question instead
Questions take pressure off you. Ask, what was that like?
Ask.
Let go of impressing
Trying to sound clever blocks listening. Aim to understand instead.
Aim to connect.
Practise in low-risk chats
Try listening fully with a barista or neighbour. Small practice builds trust.
Start small.
Notice how it feels
After a chat, notice if you felt lighter. Presence is calming.
Reflect.
Script: pausing
Let me think about that for a moment, it is a good question. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: listening
I am listening, please go on. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: asking
Can you tell me a bit more about that? Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: honest
I lost my thread for a second, could you say that again? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for waiting while I thought, I enjoyed that. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: rehearsing your reply while they talk
It makes you miss their words, so let go and listen.
Listen.
Mistake: finishing their sentences
It can feel rude, so wait for their words.
Wait.
Mistake: interrupting because you are afraid of forgetting
Notes help, so jot a word or trust your memory.
Take a breath.
Mistake: thinking silence is failure
Short silences are natural, so stay calm.
Relax.
Mistake: forcing clever replies
Clever tries feel stiff, so be simple.
Be real.
Troubleshoot: when your mind races
Slow your breath and feel your feet. Come back to their voice.
Ground yourself.
Troubleshoot: when you really have a point to make
Jot a keyword and return to listening. Your point will wait.
Jot one word.
Troubleshoot: when you feel nervous
Tell yourself, I only need to listen. This lowers pressure.
Reduce pressure.
Troubleshoot: when you forget what they said
Say, sorry, can you repeat that? Honesty is respectful.
Ask again.
Troubleshoot: when in a fast group chat
Listen for the topic, add a short comment later. Do not chase every thread.
Pace yourself.
Drill: listen fully for five minutes
In one chat resist planning replies for five minutes. Notice what changes.
Try it.
Drill: pause practice
Wait one second before every reply today. Count.
Practise.
Drill: breathe and listen
Take one breath before each reply for a day. Notice calm.
Try.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Let me think about that for a moment.”
“I am listening, go on.”
“Whatever I say will come.”
“Can you tell me a bit more?”
“Thanks for waiting.”
“I enjoyed that.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice the urge
Breathe
Listen to the end
Wait one second
Trust yourself
Reply simply
Ask a question
Further reading
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
- How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
- We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Start a Conversation”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Reflect Back What You HeardNext: Let Silence Breathe →
- Ten Easy Openers for Any Situation
- The Weather, the Venue, the Day
- Ask What Brought Them Here
- The Question That Beats How Are You
- Use Your Surroundings
- Share a Small Observation
- Start With a Compliment on Choice, Not Looks
- Open Questions vs Closed Questions
- The Follow-Up Question Habit
- Ask About Their Story, Not Their Job Title
- Ask About Their Weekend Plans
- Ask Their Opinion on Something Light
- Ask About Passions and Hobbies
- Questions to Avoid on a First Chat
- The Ping-Pong Rule of Conversation
- Give Back as Much as You Ask
- Find Common Ground Fast
- Use Their Last Words to Continue
- Share Opinions and Stories Gently
- Move From Small Talk to Meaningful Talk
- Add a Little Humour
- Listen With the Goal of Understanding
- Put the Phone Away Completely
- Nod, Smile and Say Mm-Hm
- Reflect Back What You Heard
- Do Not Plan Your Reply Early
- Let Silence Breathe
- Remember Details and Bring Them Back
- What to Do When the Chat Dies
- When Your Mind Goes Blank
- When You Disagree
- When They Are Shy Too
- When Someone Talks Too Much
- Recover From a Silly Comment
- Join a Group Conversation Smoothly
- Start a Chat With a Colleague
- Start a Chat With a Neighbour
- Exit Lines That Never Offend
- Say Goodbye and Plan to Meet Again
- Your Daily Conversation Practice
