Ask What Brought Them Here
Thirty-two easy ways to ask what brought them here, a simple question that opens a real story.
Everyone has a reason. Asking invites a story.
28 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why this question works
It is about them, easy to answer and has a different answer each time. It shows you are curious, not just polite.
Ask it.
Ask with a smile
A warm face makes the question friendly. Do not make it sound like an interview.
Smile.
Choose your wording
Try, what brought you here today? or how did you end up at this event? Both are friendly.
Pick one.
Add a light reason for asking
Say, I am new here, so I am curious. This makes it feel natural.
Add it.
Listen to the whole answer
Do not rush to your next question. Let them finish.
Listen.
Pick a detail to follow
If they say a friend invited them, ask about the friend. A detail keeps it going.
Follow it.
Ask how they heard about it
How did you hear about this group? People enjoy telling the story.
Ask.
Ask if it is their first time
Is it your first time here? It opens talk about experiences.
Ask.
Share your own reason
After they answer, share yours in one sentence. Balance builds trust.
Share.
React with warmth
Say, oh that sounds lovely, or that is interesting. Reactions show you care.
React.
Use their name once
If you know it, use it once. Names make chats personal.
Use it.
Keep it light
Do not dig into private reasons. Let them share what they like.
Stay light.
Script: asking
What brought you here today? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: first time
Is this your first time here, or are you a regular? Say it lightly.
Use it.
Script: how they heard
How did you hear about this event? Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: sharing
I came because a friend told me it was fun. Say it brightly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for telling me, that was interesting to hear. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: asking in a flat voice
A flat tone feels like a test, so warm up your voice.
Warm up.
Mistake: not listening to the answer
Asking and not listening feels rude, so pay attention.
Listen.
Mistake: turning the chat to yourself too fast
Keep the focus on them for a bit, so follow up.
Stay with them.
Troubleshoot: when they say I do not know
Smile and say, same here, that is the best kind. Keep it playful.
Be easy.
Troubleshoot: when they say a boring reason
Ask a follow-up about what they like about it. Every reason has a story.
Dig kindly.
Troubleshoot: when they ask you the same
Have your short reason ready. One sentence is plenty.
Prepare.
Troubleshoot: when you forget the question
Say, what brought you here? You only need those words.
Keep it simple.
Troubleshoot: when the answer is sad
Be gentle, say thank you for sharing and let them lead. Do not push.
Be kind.
Drill: write three versions
Write three ways to ask what brought them here. Pick your favourite.
Write.
Drill: ask three people
Ask the question to three people this week. Note one story.
Ask.
Drill: prepare your own answer
Write a friendly one-sentence reason for why you came. Practise it.
Write.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“What brought you here today?”
“How did you hear about it?”
“I came because a friend invited me.”
“Is it your first time?”
“Thanks for sharing that.”
“It was lovely to hear.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Smile
Ask the question
Listen
Pick a detail
Ask a follow-up
Share your own reason
Keep it light
Further reading
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
- How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
- We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Start a Conversation”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: The Weather, the Venue, the DayNext: The Question That Beats How Are You →
- Ten Easy Openers for Any Situation
- The Weather, the Venue, the Day
- Ask What Brought Them Here
- The Question That Beats How Are You
- Use Your Surroundings
- Share a Small Observation
- Start With a Compliment on Choice, Not Looks
- Open Questions vs Closed Questions
- The Follow-Up Question Habit
- Ask About Their Story, Not Their Job Title
- Ask About Their Weekend Plans
- Ask Their Opinion on Something Light
- Ask About Passions and Hobbies
- Questions to Avoid on a First Chat
- The Ping-Pong Rule of Conversation
- Give Back as Much as You Ask
- Find Common Ground Fast
- Use Their Last Words to Continue
- Share Opinions and Stories Gently
- Move From Small Talk to Meaningful Talk
- Add a Little Humour
- Listen With the Goal of Understanding
- Put the Phone Away Completely
- Nod, Smile and Say Mm-Hm
- Reflect Back What You Heard
- Do Not Plan Your Reply Early
- Let Silence Breathe
- Remember Details and Bring Them Back
- What to Do When the Chat Dies
- When Your Mind Goes Blank
- When You Disagree
- When They Are Shy Too
- When Someone Talks Too Much
- Recover From a Silly Comment
- Join a Group Conversation Smoothly
- Start a Chat With a Colleague
- Start a Chat With a Neighbour
- Exit Lines That Never Offend
- Say Goodbye and Plan to Meet Again
- Your Daily Conversation Practice
