Ask About Their Story, Not Their Job Title
Thirty-two easy ways to ask about their story, not their job title, so people feel like humans and not résumés.
A job is a small part of a person. Ask about the story.
30 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why not the job title
What do you do often leads to a short label. A question about their story invites warmth and gets richer answers.
Try it.
Ask how they got started
How did you end up doing what you do? It invites a story.
Use it.
Ask what they love most
What do you enjoy most about it? People light up talking about what they love.
Ask.
Ask about the journey
What was the path like? Journeys are full of turns.
Ask.
Ask about childhood dreams
What did you want to be as a child? Playful and warm.
Ask.
Ask about proud moments
What is something you are proud of lately? Positive and personal.
Ask.
Ask what a normal day looks like
Walk me through a typical day. Shows interest in their life.
Ask.
Ask what they would do with free time
If you had a free year, what would you do? Dreams reveal people.
Ask.
Listen for emotion
Notice when their voice lifts. Follow that topic.
Listen.
Share your own story briefly
Balance with one short story about your path. Be real.
Share.
Respect their privacy
If they prefer not to talk about work, move on. Be kind.
Respect.
Remember their story
Recall the details of their story next time you meet, because a good memory shows real care.
Remember.
Script: story
How did you end up doing what you do? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: love
What do you enjoy most about your work? Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: dream
What did you want to be when you were a child? Say it playfully.
Use it.
Script: pride
What is something you have been proud of lately? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for telling me, that is a lovely story. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: asking what do you do as your first question
It can feel like a status check, so start with warmth.
Start warm.
Mistake: judging their job
Judging someone’s job makes them close up, so stay curious about the person behind it.
Be open.
Mistake: asking about salary or status
Questions about pay or status feel rude with new people, so avoid them and ask about their story.
Avoid it.
Mistake: steering away from non-work lives
People have many sides beyond work, so ask about hobbies, family and dreams as well.
Ask widely.
Mistake: assuming their job defines them
People are more than roles, so keep it open.
Be fair.
Troubleshoot: when they dislike their job
Ask what they would love to do. Kindly steer to dreams.
Be gentle.
Troubleshoot: when they do not work
Ask about their days, hobbies or plans. Keep it open.
Be sensitive.
Troubleshoot: when they are retired
Ask about their favourite chapters of life. Stories are gold.
Ask.
Troubleshoot: when you meet at work events
At work events mix questions about work with questions about life, so the chat feels balanced and warm.
Mix.
Troubleshoot: when you feel awkward
Smile and say, I am curious about people’s stories. Honest works.
Be honest.
Drill: five story questions
Write five story questions and keep them handy. Use one this week.
Write.
Drill: swap one question
Replace one what do you do with a story question. Notice the difference.
Try.
Drill: remember one story
After a chat write one thing about their story. Bring it back next time.
Note.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“How did you end up doing what you do?”
“What did you want to be as a child?”
“What do you enjoy most about it?”
“I fell into my work by accident.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“That is a lovely story.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Skip what do you do
Ask how they got here
Ask what they love
Listen for the story
Follow up
Share yours
Be curious
Further reading
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
- How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
- We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Start a Conversation”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: The Follow-Up Question HabitNext: Ask About Their Weekend Plans →
- Ten Easy Openers for Any Situation
- The Weather, the Venue, the Day
- Ask What Brought Them Here
- The Question That Beats How Are You
- Use Your Surroundings
- Share a Small Observation
- Start With a Compliment on Choice, Not Looks
- Open Questions vs Closed Questions
- The Follow-Up Question Habit
- Ask About Their Story, Not Their Job Title
- Ask About Their Weekend Plans
- Ask Their Opinion on Something Light
- Ask About Passions and Hobbies
- Questions to Avoid on a First Chat
- The Ping-Pong Rule of Conversation
- Give Back as Much as You Ask
- Find Common Ground Fast
- Use Their Last Words to Continue
- Share Opinions and Stories Gently
- Move From Small Talk to Meaningful Talk
- Add a Little Humour
- Listen With the Goal of Understanding
- Put the Phone Away Completely
- Nod, Smile and Say Mm-Hm
- Reflect Back What You Heard
- Do Not Plan Your Reply Early
- Let Silence Breathe
- Remember Details and Bring Them Back
- What to Do When the Chat Dies
- When Your Mind Goes Blank
- When You Disagree
- When They Are Shy Too
- When Someone Talks Too Much
- Recover From a Silly Comment
- Join a Group Conversation Smoothly
- Start a Chat With a Colleague
- Start a Chat With a Neighbour
- Exit Lines That Never Offend
- Say Goodbye and Plan to Meet Again
- Your Daily Conversation Practice
