The Question That Beats How Are You
Thirty-two easy questions that beat “how are you”, so your chats start with warmth instead of habit.
How are you gets a lazy answer. A better question gets a real one.
29 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why how are you fails
It is a greeting, not a question. Most people answer fine, thanks without thinking, and the chat ends.
Try a new one.
Ask about the best part of the week
What has been the best part of your week? It gets a positive, specific answer.
Use it.
Ask about today
Anything fun happen today? Simple and light.
Use it.
Ask about plans
What are you looking forward to? People enjoy talking about the future.
Use it.
Ask about smiles
What has made you smile lately? It brings a happy story.
Use it.
Ask about energy
What is keeping you busy these days? It opens work and life.
Use it.
Ask about discoveries
Have you found anything good lately, a show, a book or a place? People love sharing finds.
Use it.
Ask with a warm tone
The same question feels very different with a smile and gentle voice. Warm it up.
Smile.
Match the setting
At work ask about the week, at a party ask about the event. Fit the place.
Match it.
Wait for the answer
Silence after the question is fine. Give them time to think.
Wait.
Follow up on one detail
Pick one thing they say and ask more. This is the key to depth.
Follow up.
Share your own answer
After they reply, answer the same question. Balance matters.
Share.
Keep a few in your pocket
Know three go-to questions so you never freeze. Practise them.
Learn three.
Script: best part
What has been the best part of your week so far? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: fun today
Did anything fun happen for you today? Say it lightly.
Use it.
Script: looking forward
What are you looking forward to this weekend? Say it brightly.
Use it.
Script: smiles
What has been making you smile lately? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: closing
Thanks for telling me, that made me smile too. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: asking too many at once
One question at a time, so wait for the answer.
Slow down.
Mistake: asking heavy questions to strangers
Keep it light at first, so avoid deep topics.
Stay light.
Mistake: asking while looking at your phone
It signals no interest, so look up.
Look at them.
Troubleshoot: when they say fine
Smile and add, and what was the best bit of the day? A second question helps.
Try again.
Troubleshoot: when the day was bad
Be gentle and say, that sounds tough, want to tell me? Offer, do not push.
Be kind.
Troubleshoot: when they are rushed
Keep it short and say, no worries, catch you later. Respect time.
Be gracious.
Troubleshoot: when you feel silly
Silly is fine, so be warm and sincere.
Be real.
Troubleshoot: when culture prefers formal greetings
Use the local greeting first, then a soft question. Respect customs.
Adapt.
Drill: replace how are you
For one day replace how are you with a better question. Count replies.
Try.
Drill: write five questions
Write five better questions and keep them in your notes. Use one.
Write.
Drill: answer your own questions
Answer each of your five questions yourself so you are ready. Practise.
Practise.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“What has been the best part of your week?”
“Anything fun happen today?”
“What are you looking forward to?”
“What is making you smile lately?”
“Thanks for sharing.”
“That was lovely to hear.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice the habit
Pick a better question
Ask it warmly
Listen
Follow up
Share your answer
Practise
Further reading
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
- How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
- We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Start a Conversation”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Ask What Brought Them HereNext: Use Your Surroundings →
- Ten Easy Openers for Any Situation
- The Weather, the Venue, the Day
- Ask What Brought Them Here
- The Question That Beats How Are You
- Use Your Surroundings
- Share a Small Observation
- Start With a Compliment on Choice, Not Looks
- Open Questions vs Closed Questions
- The Follow-Up Question Habit
- Ask About Their Story, Not Their Job Title
- Ask About Their Weekend Plans
- Ask Their Opinion on Something Light
- Ask About Passions and Hobbies
- Questions to Avoid on a First Chat
- The Ping-Pong Rule of Conversation
- Give Back as Much as You Ask
- Find Common Ground Fast
- Use Their Last Words to Continue
- Share Opinions and Stories Gently
- Move From Small Talk to Meaningful Talk
- Add a Little Humour
- Listen With the Goal of Understanding
- Put the Phone Away Completely
- Nod, Smile and Say Mm-Hm
- Reflect Back What You Heard
- Do Not Plan Your Reply Early
- Let Silence Breathe
- Remember Details and Bring Them Back
- What to Do When the Chat Dies
- When Your Mind Goes Blank
- When You Disagree
- When They Are Shy Too
- When Someone Talks Too Much
- Recover From a Silly Comment
- Join a Group Conversation Smoothly
- Start a Chat With a Colleague
- Start a Chat With a Neighbour
- Exit Lines That Never Offend
- Say Goodbye and Plan to Meet Again
- Your Daily Conversation Practice
