Separate the Person From the Problem
Practical ways to separate the person from the problem, so disagreement does not become hostility.
Be soft on people, hard on the problem. Keep relationships intact.
10 tips that really help
These ideas come from Never Split the Difference (Chris Voss), Getting to Yes (Roger Fisher and William Ury), Start With No (Jim Camp), and everyday practice. The first six help the most. Pick one and try it today.
Separate the person from the problem
Treat the other party as a partner facing a shared difficulty, not as an enemy.
Sit on the same side.
Be gentle with people and firm on issues
Courtesy builds goodwill, while clarity protects your interests.
Balance both.
Name the problem together
Describing the issue as shared, such as how do we solve this?, lowers tension.
Use we.
Avoid personal criticism
Comments about character spark anger and block progress.
Focus on facts.
Acknowledge their feelings
Showing you understand their frustration eases the way for problem solving.
Say I hear you.
Manage your own emotions
Take a break if you feel anger rising.
Breathe and pause.
Use neutral language
Avoid loaded words that provoke defensiveness.
Choose carefully.
Ask for their ideas
Inviting their input builds ownership of the solution.
Ask what they suggest.
Keep respect even if you disagree
Respectful tone maintains the relationship.
Stay polite.
Repair if you slip
A quick apology can restore the mood.
Say sorry if needed.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many sales conversations.
“We are both facing the same challenge.”
“I appreciate how you have handled this.”
“The issue is the delivery date, not you.”
“Let us solve it together.”
“Do you agree?”
“Thank you.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Name the problem neutrally
Avoid blame words
Acknowledge feelings
Sit side by side if possible
Use “we”
Focus on solutions
Review
Further reading
- Never Split the Difference (Chris Voss)
- Getting to Yes (Roger Fisher and William Ury)
- Start With No (Jim Camp)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
Keep your place and keep growing
Create a free account to save your progress and pick up the next lesson where you stopped. No card needed.
Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Negotiate Without Fear”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Look for Win-Win TradesNext: Create More Options Before You Decide →
- Know Your Goals and Your Limits
- Find Your Best Alternative
- Research Their Needs and Pressures
- List What You Can Give and What You Need
- Set Your Opening Position
- Plan Your First Three Sentences
- Decide Your Walk-Away Point
- What They Say vs What They Need
- Ask "Why Is That Important to You?"
- Look for Win-Win Trades
- Separate the Person From the Problem
- Create More Options Before You Decide
- Use Fair, Objective Standards
- The Pie Is Bigger Than You Think
- The Power of Calm
- Let Them Say "No" First
- Open-Ended "How" and "What" Questions
- Use "How Am I Supposed to Do That?"
- Mirror and Pause
- The Late-Night FM DJ Voice
- Let Them Talk Themselves Into It
- Never Give a Discount for Free
- Trade, Do Not Just Give
- Hold Your Price With Confidence
- Respond to "That Is Our Budget"
- Use Odd and Precise Numbers
- Bundle Instead of Cutting Price
- When to Walk Away
- Handle a Pushy Negotiator
- Respond to a Deadline Threat
- When They Say "Take It or Leave It"
- Deal With Silence and Stalling
- Stay Polite When You Are Angry
- Negotiate With Someone More Senior
- Summarise Every Agreement Out Loud
- Put It in Writing the Same Day
- Leave Both Sides Feeling Good
- Do Not Celebrate Too Soon
- Protect the Relationship After the Deal
- Learn From Every Negotiation
