Making Friends / How to Start a Conversation / Lesson 08

LESSON 08 · HOW TO START A CONVERSATION

Open Questions vs Closed Questions

Thirty-two easy ways to use open questions instead of closed ones, so conversations flow instead of stopping.

Open questions open doors. Closed ones close them.

28 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

28 tips that really help

These ideas come from The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes), We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

The difference

Closed questions get yes or no. Open questions get stories. Stories keep chats alive.

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Learn it.

TIP 2

Spot closed questions

Did you like it? Is it your first time? Are you from here? These get short answers.

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Notice yours.

TIP 3

Swap the first word

Change did you like it to what did you like about it. A small change makes a big difference.

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Swap.

TIP 4

Use what

What was the best part? What made you choose that? What is next?

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Try what.

TIP 5

Use how

How did you get started? How was the trip? How did it feel? Stories follow.

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Try how.

TIP 6

Use why gently

Why can sound sharp, so soften: what made you choose that?

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Soften it.

TIP 7

Use tell me about

Tell me about your weekend. It is warm and open.

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Use it.

TIP 8

Use describe

Describe your perfect day. Fun and creative.

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Use it.

TIP 9

Mix open and closed

Closed questions are fine for facts. Use open ones for stories.

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Balance.

TIP 10

Wait for the full answer

Do not interrupt. Silence after the question is okay.

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Wait.

TIP 11

Ask one at a time

Two questions at once confuse. Ask and listen.

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One at a time.

TIP 12

Follow up on details

Pick a word from their answer and ask more. This is the secret.

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Follow up.

TIP 13

Script: what

What did you enjoy most about it? Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 14

Script: how

How did you get started with that? Say it with interest.

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Use it.

TIP 15

Script: tell me

Tell me about your weekend, I would love to hear. Say it kindly.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: describe

What would your perfect day look like? Say it playfully.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: closing

Thanks for sharing that, it was interesting. Say it sincerely.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Mistake: asking only yes or no questions

They end chats fast, so use open ones.

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Open up.

TIP 19

Mistake: firing too many questions

It feels like an interview, so share too.

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Balance.

TIP 20

Mistake: asking why too sharply

It can feel like blame, so soften.

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Soften.

TIP 21

Troubleshoot: when they answer in one word

Add, tell me more, or what was the best part? A second open question helps.

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Try again.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when you run out of questions

Use what, how and tell me about as starters. Combine with their words.

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Use starters.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when they ask you open questions

Answer in a few sentences and ask back. Share the floor.

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Share.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you feel interrogating

Add a comment between questions. Mix talk and questions.

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Comment.

TIP 25

Troubleshoot: when you are shy

Prepare three open questions before events. Keep them handy.

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Prepare.

TIP 26

Drill: convert ten questions

Take ten closed questions and turn them into open ones. Say them aloud.

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Convert.

TIP 27

Drill: open-question day

For one day use only open questions in chats. Notice the difference.

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Try.

TIP 28

Drill: write five starters

Write five open question starters on a card. Use them.

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Write.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.

OPEN

“What did you enjoy most about it?”

OPEN

“How did you get started?”

OPEN

“Tell me about your weekend.”

OPEN

“What was that like?”

THANK

“Thanks for sharing.”

CLOSE

“That was interesting.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Spot closed questions

DAY 2
Swap the first word

DAY 3
Use what, how and why

DAY 4
Say tell me about

DAY 5
Listen

DAY 6
Follow up

DAY 7
Practise

Further reading

• The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
• How to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
• We Need to Talk (Celeste Headlee)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.