Fear Rises, Peaks and Falls
Forty ways to use the fact that fear rises, peaks and falls, so you can ride it out.
Every wave of fear has a top, and then it comes down. Learn the shape and it frightens you less.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Hope and Help for Your Nerves (Claire Weekes), Wherever You Go, There You Are (Jon Kabat-Zinn), and the exposure research of Michelle Craske, and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Fear has a shape
Fear is not a wall. It is a wave. It rises, it reaches a top, and it falls. That is its shape, and knowing the shape changes how you meet it. When you know the top is not the end, you can get through the climb. Fear is a wave, not a wall.
Take a piece of paper and draw a wave, with a rise, a peak and a fall. The next time you feel afraid, put a small dot on the wave where you think you are.
The wave always breaks
Waves in the sea always break. They cannot stay at their highest forever. The same is true for waves of fear in your body. Even the strong ones reach a top, and then they come down. Peaks pass, and you only have to wait.
When fear rises, say to yourself, the wave always breaks. Breathe out slowly and relax your shoulders.
Rate it from one to ten
Fear feels huge when it has no size. Giving it a number gives it a size. It turns a flood of feeling into something you can measure. Rate your fear from one to ten, where one is very calm and ten is the worst you can imagine. Give fear a number, and it becomes smaller.
When you feel afraid, ask, what number is this, from one to ten? Write the number and the time.
Habituation is real
If you stay in a situation that makes you afraid, your fear tends to come down, even when nothing else changes. This is called habituation. It is the same thing that happens when you step into cold water and, after a few minutes, it feels fine. Stay until the fear comes down.
Choose a mildly scary situation, one that is a three or four out of ten. Stay in it and rate your fear every few minutes.
Avoiding resets the clock
When you run away at the peak of fear, you feel relief right away. It feels like the best answer. But it teaches your brain a lesson that makes fear stronger next time. Staying teaches your brain that you are safe.
Next time you feel the urge to leave, note the time. Decide to stay five minutes longer than you would have.
Surf the urge
When fear rises, you feel an urge to run, to avoid or to do something to make it stop. That urge is also a wave. You can learn to surf it instead of being knocked over. Ride the urge, and it will pass.
Notice the urge, and name it, such as, urge to run. Picture it as a wave in the sea, and watch it rise.
Time the wave
Here is a simple experiment you can do with a clock or a phone. When a wave of fear begins, note the time. When it begins to fall, note the time again. Many people are surprised by how short it is. Time it, and you will see it is shorter than it feels.
When a wave starts, look at your clock or phone and note the time. Breathe out slowly, and keep watching.
Expect a second wave
After a wave falls, it is natural to think it is all over. Then fear returns, often smaller, and you may feel dismayed. You may think, I have failed, or, it is not working. In fact, a second wave is a normal part of the pattern. A second wave is normal, and usually smaller.
After a wave, remind yourself, a second wave may come, and that is normal. If it comes, say, second wave, smaller wave.
Do not feed the wave
A wave of fear has its own strength. But it can grow bigger if you feed it with certain thoughts. The thoughts that feed it most are the disaster thoughts, such as, I will faint, or, I will lose control. Swap the disaster thought for a calm one.
Catch the disaster thought and say, that is feeding the wave. Replace it with a calm line, such as, this is a wave, and it will drop.
Breathe on the way down
When the wave begins to fall, you have a golden chance. You can help it fall faster, and you can give yourself a feeling of control. The tool is your breath. Use the way down to teach your body to calm.
Notice when the wave starts to fall. Breathe in gently for four and out slowly for six.
Name the stage
Every wave has stages. It begins to rise, it reaches a peak and it falls. Giving each stage a name is a simple way to stay in charge. When you say, rising, peak or falling, you stop being a victim of the wave and become someone who is watching it. Name the stage, and stay the observer.
When fear begins, say quietly, rising. When it feels strongest, say, peak. Be patient.
Practise with small waves
You do not have to start with your biggest fear. Small nerves are perfect practice, and they are everywhere in daily life. Ordering at a cafe, speaking up in a meeting or making a phone call can all raise a small wave. Small waves make you a strong surfer.
Make a list of five small things that make you a little nervous. Choose one for today.
Track your waves
A record is a powerful tool. When you write down your waves, you see the truth about them, and it is often kinder than your memory. Fear tells a story of endless disaster. Your notes tell a story of waves that rise and fall. Write it down, and see how far you have come.
Make a simple table with five columns: date, trigger, peak number, minutes and what helped. After each wave, fill in one line.
Wait before you decide
At the top of a wave, your thinking is tilted toward danger. Everything looks worse than it is, and escape seems like the only answer. That is not a good time to make a big decision. Decide after the wave, not during it.
When a wave is high, say, I will decide after the wave. Breathe, walk or ground your feet until the wave falls.
Use a stopwatch mindset
Imagine you are a scientist studying a wave. You are not a victim of the wave. You are an observer with a notebook. A scientist asks, how high does it go, how long does it last and what lowers it? Be a curious scientist, not a worried victim.
When a wave starts, say, I am the scientist. Note the number, the place in the body and the time.
Stay with your body
During a wave, you can learn a lot by simply noticing what is happening in your body. Where does it start? Where does it spread? How does it change? This kind of attention is a calm and quiet form of courage. Describe the feeling in plain words, and watch it change.
During a wave, choose one sensation to observe. Describe it with plain words, such as warm, tight, light or buzzing.
Expect it before big events
If you know that big events often bring waves, you can prepare for them. It is like checking the weather before a trip. A plan reduces surprise, and surprise is half of fear. A short plan turns surprise into confidence.
Think of a big event coming up in the next two weeks. Write a three-step plan for what you will do at the start, at the peak and afterward.
Be gentle during the peak
At the top of the wave, you may feel desperate. Your mind says, make it stop, and your body feels out of control. This is the moment for gentleness, not force. At the peak, be gentle and patient.
At the peak, say, this is the peak, and it will start to fall. Place a hand on your chest or belly.
Use music or a mantra
Your mind loves rhythm. A familiar song or a short repeated phrase can give it something steady to follow while the wave passes. It can make the wave feel shorter and less lonely. A steady rhythm helps you ride the wave.
Choose a calm song or a short phrase that feels right. Practise it when you are calm, so it becomes familiar.
Notice the relief
After a wave has passed, something lovely appears. It is a quiet feeling of relief, a loosening of the body and a sense of space. Most of us rush past it. Taking a minute to notice it is a powerful habit. After the wave, notice the relief.
When a wave has passed, stop and sit for a minute. Notice three signs of relief in your body.
Reward the stay
Every time you stay with a wave, you do something brave. And brave acts deserve a reward. A small treat teaches your brain that facing fear is worth it. Reward the stay, and courage grows.
Before a challenge, choose a small reward. Face the challenge and stay with the wave.
Learn the research
Understanding why something works makes it easier to do. A little knowledge can turn a scary practice into a sensible plan. The research on fear is hopeful, and it is not hard to understand. Understanding the idea makes the practice easier.
Find one short, trusted article or book chapter about exposure and fear. Write down one idea that makes sense to you.
Do not judge the number
Some days your waves will be lower, and some days they will be higher. It is easy to judge yourself by the number, but the number is only a number. A high peak does not mean you have failed. Look at the trend, not one day.
When a wave is high, say, one wave is not the whole picture. Once a month, look at the average of your numbers.
Talk a friend through a wave
One of the best ways to understand a skill is to teach it. If a friend is afraid, you can help them, and in doing so, you help yourself. The message is simple. It rises, it peaks and it falls. A calm voice can steady someone else, and you.
Stay calm, and speak slowly and softly. Say, it rises, it peaks and it falls, and I am with you.
Practise with imagery
Your imagination is a powerful training ground. You can picture a wave rising and falling in the sea, and your body may follow the rhythm of the picture. It is a quiet way to practise without any pressure. See the wave, and breathe with it.
Close your eyes and picture a sea wave far from the shore. Watch it rise, break and slide back, and breathe in and out with it.
Breathe at the peak
Even at the top of the wave, you can breathe. And one slow breath at the peak can lower it a notch. It is a small act, but it is a signal of power. One slow breath, even at the top.
When the wave is at its highest, say, one breath. Breathe out slowly, as if blowing through a straw.
Prepare your tools
A craftsperson does not look for a hammer in the middle of a job. The tools are ready and close at hand. You can do the same with your calming tools. Three tools, ready before you need them.
Choose three tools that have helped you before. Write them in order on a card.
Notice what lowers the wave
Different things work for different people. For one person it is breathing, for another it is movement, and for another it is talking to a friend. Knowing what works for you means you can use it sooner. Find what lowers your wave, and use it first.
After each wave, ask yourself, what helped the most? Write the answer in your log.
Keep your goals in view
When a wave is rising, it is easy to forget why you are there. The wave becomes the whole world. A clear reason gives you something to hold on to while it passes. Hold your reason, and the wave passes.
Think of one important reason for what you are doing today. When a wave comes, say, I am here because, and finish the sentence.
Be patient with stubborn waves
Some waves are slow. They may take longer to fall, or they may come back several times in one day. These stubborn waves ask for patience, not force. Slow waves need patience, not force.
Notice when waves are slow or stubborn, and say, this is a slow wave. Lower your demands for the day, and do the basics, such as rest, water and food.
Avoid safety behaviours
Safety behaviours are the little things you do to feel safer when you are afraid. You might hold your phone tightly, avoid eye contact, rehearse every sentence or always stand near the door. They feel helpful, but they can quietly keep fear alive. Drop one crutch, and learn you can stand.
List three things you do to feel safe, such as checking, hiding or over-preparing. Choose the smallest one, and drop it in an easy situation.
Cheer yourself on
Think of a runner near the end of a race. A friendly voice from the side of the road can give new energy. You can be that voice for yourself. Be your own best coach.
Choose a short phrase that sounds like a kind coach, such as, well done, or, keep going. Say it after every wave or small success.
See the pattern over time
Progress with fear is often slow and hard to see from day to day. But over months, the pattern is clear. Waves tend to become smaller and shorter as you practise. Look back, and see how far you have come.
Once a month, set aside ten minutes to read your wave log. Compare the first entries with the latest ones.
Trust your body
Your body is not your enemy. It knows how to calm itself when given time. It was designed to recover. Trusting it is a quiet but powerful step. Your body knows how to come down.
Think of three waves you have already survived. At the start of a new wave, say, my body knows how to come down.
Share the wave idea with children
Children understand waves very well. They have seen them at the beach, in the bath and on a pond. Telling a child, it goes up and then down, can comfort them, and it comforts you, too. A wave is a story a child can understand.
Get down to the child’s level and speak softly. Say, it is a wave, it goes up, and then it comes down.
Be proud of staying
Staying with a wave takes courage. It is not easy to feel your heart pound, your hands shake and your mind race, and still choose to stay. You deserve to feel proud. You stayed, and that is courage.
After a wave, say out loud, I stayed, and I am proud. Write down one thing you did well today.
Keep the wave in your pocket
The idea of a wave is small enough to carry anywhere. Rise, peak, fall. Three words are enough. You can keep them in your pocket, in your phone or in your mind. Rise, peak, fall, in your pocket.
Write rise, peak, fall on a small card or in your phone. Read it three times a day for a week, even when you feel calm.
Fear is not a stop sign
Many people read fear as a stop sign. They think, I feel afraid, so I should not do this. But fear is often a sign that something matters to you.
Think of something you want to do but fear. Say, scared and going anyway.
Let a friend sit through it with you
You do not have to face every wave alone. A calm person beside you can help your body settle. Asking a friend to stay near during a hard moment is a smart plan, not a weakness. A calm friend is a safe harbour.
Choose a friend or family member who is calm and kind. Tell them how they can help, such as, just stay close.
Expect it to feel odd after
After a big wave, you may feel tired, shaky, foggy or even emotional. This can surprise you, and it can feel like the wave is not really over. It is the aftermath, and it is normal. After the wave, give your body time to recover.
After a big wave or event, plan ten quiet minutes. Drink some water, and eat something light if you are hungry.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“This will peak and then fall.”
“I am surfing this wave.”
“I will watch the clock for five minutes.”
“In slowly, out slowly.”
“The wave is peaking, it will pass.”
“It fell exactly as I expected.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Time one wave on your phone
Draw the wave on paper
Breathe through the peak
Tell a friend the plan
Write how it felt at the top
Note how long it lasted
Repeat with a smaller fear
Further reading
- Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (Susan Jeffers)
- The Upside of Stress (Kelly McGonigal)
- The 5 Second Rule (Mel Robbins)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Overcoming Nervousness”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
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- Nerves Are Energy in Disguise
- What Happens in Your Body When You Panic
- Fear Rises, Peaks and Falls
- Everyone Gets Nervous, Even the Best
- Name Your Nerve Triggers
- Nerves vs Real Danger
- Why Avoiding Makes It Worse
- The Long-Exhale Breath
- Five Slow Breaths Before Anything
- Shake It Out: Release Tension
- Cool Water, Calm Mind
- Ground Yourself With Your Five Senses
- Relax Your Jaw and Shoulders
- The Sixty-Second Reset
- Say "I Am Excited" Instead of "I Am Nervous"
- Replace What-If With What-Then
- The Worst-Case, Likely-Case Exercise
- Stop Predicting Failure
- A Calm Phrase to Repeat
- Picture It Going Well
- Plan for the Slip, Then Let It Go
- Write Your First Sentence Down
- Practise Out Loud, Not in Your Head
- The Ten-Minute Pre-Event Ritual
- Sleep, Water and Food Before Big Days
- Check Your Space and Tools
- Use a Cue Card, Not a Script
- Arrive Early and Settle In
- Before an Important Phone Call
- Before a Job Interview
- Before a Presentation
- Before Meeting Someone New
- Before a Hard Conversation
- Before Speaking in a Meeting
- Daily Habits That Lower Anxiety
- Move Your Body to Burn Off Nerves
- Limit Caffeine and Doom-Scrolling
- Keep a Courage Log
- Reward Yourself for Facing Fear
- When to Ask for Professional Help
