Use Envy as a Compass
Twelve ways to turn envy into a useful compass that points to what you want.
Envy is information. It tells you what matters to you.
34 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Confidence Code (Katty Kay and Claire Shipman), The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown), Mindset (Carol Dweck), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Envy is a signal
It points to something you want but have not allowed yourself to pursue. Listening to it can guide you.
Write the last time you felt envy.
Be specific
Do not envy the whole person. Find the one thing you want, such as freedom or a skill.
Write the single thing that triggers envy.
Check if you really want it
Sometimes you want the result but not the work. Ask if you would accept the full price.
Write what it would cost to get it.
Drop what you do not want
If the envy fades after a closer look, let it go. You just learned something useful.
Cross out envies that are not true goals.
Choose a small step
Every goal has a tiny first move. Pick one you can do this week.
Write a first step with a date.
Ask for advice
Most people enjoy sharing how they got there. A short chat can save years.
Message the person with one thoughtful question.
Use envy as fuel
The energy of envy can turn into motivation if aimed at action.
Do twenty minutes of work on your own goal.
Replace the story
Instead of they are so lucky, think they worked on it, and so can I.
Rewrite one envy thought.
Avoid bitterness
Staying in envy without action hurts you most. Move through it.
Notice if envy turns into complaining and pause.
Review your envies yearly
Patterns show what you really care about. They can guide big choices.
Add your envy list to a yearly review.
Thank the feeling
Say thank you for the message, and then choose a step.
Say it silently and take a breath.
Write your envy list honestly
Listing who you envy and why shows clear patterns. Many people find that their envy is about two or three themes.
Write three people and what you envy.
Look for the value behind the envy
Envy of a traveller may be about freedom, and envy of an artist about creativity. Name the value.
Write the value beneath each envy.
Ask what you would give up
Real wants come with costs. If you would not pay the price, the envy may fade.
Write the price and decide.
Turn envy into a question
Instead of why them, ask what would it take for me? Questions lead to action.
Write the question for one envy.
Pick one tiny experiment
A tiny experiment such as a free class tests whether you truly want it. Try before you chase.
Choose a ten-minute experiment.
Find a guide
Ask someone ahead of you how they started. They usually enjoy sharing.
Message one person with a specific question.
Join a community around the goal
People pursuing the same goal give energy and ideas. Find a group.
Search for one nearby or online.
Set a ninety-day trial
Give the pursuit three months and then decide. A trial reduces pressure.
Write your ninety-day plan.
Notice the kind of envy
Benign envy motivates you, malicious envy wishes others harm. Choose the first.
Ask which type you feel.
Practise admiration instead
Admiration says I want to learn from you. It feels warmer than envy and drives action.
Say what you admire aloud.
Congratulate sincerely
Genuine congratulations loosens envy and builds friendship. Do it quickly.
Send one message today.
Learn from their story
Read or listen to how they got there. You will see struggle behind the success.
Find one interview.
Write your own vision
Describe the life you want in five lines. A clear vision reduces scattered envy.
Write it tonight.
Check your assumptions
You may be envying a life you misread. Ask what is actually true.
Ask one honest question.
Share your envy with a friend
Saying it aloud reduces shame and may reveal helpful advice. Choose someone kind.
Tell one friend.
Use envy as a prompt for gratitude
Pair every envy with one thing you are grateful for. Balance helps.
Write a pair today.
Avoid bitterness
Turning envy into criticism hurts you more than them. Choose curiosity.
Pause before you criticise.
Pick one skill to build
Choose one skill that would bring you closer to what you want. Skills are within reach.
Start one lesson.
Plan a small step this week
Small steps beat big plans. Choose one you can do in an hour.
Write it in your calendar.
Track progress
Notice how your pursuit grows and how envy shrinks. Keep a note.
Start a log.
Celebrate each step
Rewarding steps keeps motivation alive. Pick a small treat.
Choose one.
Review your envy list yearly
Your wants change. A yearly review shows what matters.
Add it to your calendar.
Thank envy for the message
It pointed to something you want. Say thank you and then choose.
Say it aloud.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I feel envious, and that tells me something.”
“What do I want that they have?”
“What is one small step toward it?”
“I admire how you did that, can you tell me more?”
“I want that too, and I can work toward it.”
“Thank you for showing me what is possible.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Write down who you envy
Write what exactly you envy
Decide if you really want it
Pick one small step
Take the step this week
Ask the person for advice
Review how you feel afterwards
Further reading
- The Confidence Code (Katty Kay and Claire Shipman)
- The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown)
- Mindset (Carol Dweck)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Building Self-Confidence”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Why Comparison Steals Your ConfidenceNext: Your Race, Your Pace →
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- Your Hidden Strengths List
- Stop Asking for Permission to Matter
- Where Low Confidence Really Comes From
- The Day You Stop Apologising for Existing
- Write Your Own Worth Statement
- Start a Proof-of-Progress File
- Small Wins Make Big Believers
- The Evidence Your Inner Critic Hides
- Look Back at What You Survived
- Turn Compliments Into Confidence
- The Ten-Minute Daily Win
- How Mastery Builds Belief
- Fixed Mindset vs Growth Mindset
- Add the Word "Yet" to Everything
- See Mistakes as Training
- Stop Needing to Be Perfect
- Think Progress, Not Perfection
- Believe Skills Can Grow
- Ask "What Can I Learn?" First
- Action Creates Confidence
- The Five-Second Move That Beats Doubt
- Do the Scary Thing Badly
- Try Something New Every Week
- Say Yes to the Small Stretch
- Start Before You Feel Ready
- Make Tiny Promises and Keep Them
- Why Comparison Steals Your Confidence
- Use Envy as a Compass
- Your Race, Your Pace
- Unfollow What Shrinks You
- Celebrate Other People Freely
- Compare Yourself Only to Yesterday
- Talk to Yourself Like a Coach
- The Kindness Rule for Your Mind
- Take Care of the Body That Carries You
- Celebrate Before You Arrive
- Build a Circle That Believes in You
- Your Confidence Toolkit
