Confidence / Building Self-Confidence / Lesson 36

LESSON 36 · BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE

The Kindness Rule for Your Mind

Twelve ways to apply a kindness rule to your own mind, so you stop being your own worst critic.

Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. It is not weakness. It is fuel.

34 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

34 tips that really help

These ideas come from The Confidence Code (Katty Kay and Claire Shipman), The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown), Mindset (Carol Dweck), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

What self-compassion is

Researcher Kristin Neff describes it as kindness, shared humanity and mindful awareness. It is not self-pity.

TRY THIS
Read a short article about self-compassion.

TIP 2

The friend test

Ask what would I say to a friend in this situation? Then say it to yourself.

TRY THIS
Use the friend test on your next harsh thought.

TIP 3

Notice your feelings

Name them gently, like this is disappointment. Naming reduces their power.

TRY THIS
Name one feeling right now.

TIP 4

Use a soothing touch

A hand on your heart or a slow breath calms your body.

TRY THIS
Try it for one minute.

TIP 5

Replace shaming words

Swap stupid for new at this. Words shape how you feel.

TRY THIS
Remove one harsh word from your inner dialogue.

TIP 6

Forgive small slips

Let go of small mistakes quickly. Holding them helps nobody.

TRY THIS
Say it is okay and move on after a small error.

TIP 7

Be kind in action

Kindness includes rest, food and fun. Treat yourself like someone you love.

TRY THIS
Do one caring act for yourself today.

TIP 8

Write a kind letter

Write to yourself as a friend would. Read it when you feel low.

TRY THIS
Write five kind lines to yourself.

TIP 9

Balance with accountability

Self-kindness does not mean no standards. It means supportive standards.

TRY THIS
Write one thing to improve with kindness.

TIP 10

Practise on easy moments

Use kindness for small annoyances so it comes naturally in bigger moments.

TRY THIS
Use kind words after a minor mistake.

TIP 11

Share the idea

Teach a friend the friend test. It spreads kindness around.

TRY THIS
Tell someone about it this week.

TIP 12

Use the three-step self-compassion break

Say this is a moment of suffering, suffering is part of life, and may I be kind to myself. Kristin Neff describes this simple practice in her work on self-compassion.

TRY THIS
Try the three steps once today.

TIP 13

Notice where stress sits in your body

A tight chest or a clenched jaw tells you something is hard. Putting a hand there and breathing slowly soothes the body.

TRY THIS
Place a hand on your chest for a minute.

TIP 14

Name your pain kindly

Saying this hurts or this is hard acknowledges the feeling without drama. Naming pain gently makes it lighter.

TRY THIS
Say it aloud once.

TIP 15

Write a letter to yourself

Write as you would to a friend who feels as you do, then read it when you need comfort. Letters are lasting.

TRY THIS
Write five kind lines tonight.

TIP 16

Treat your mistake like a friend’s

You would comfort a friend who made your mistake, so give yourself the same warmth. The same event deserves the same kindness.

TRY THIS
Imagine the friend scene and speak to yourself that way.

TIP 17

Replace harsh words

Swap stupid for new to this and lazy for tired. Softer words keep you moving.

TRY THIS
Rewrite three harsh words today.

TIP 18

Do one caring thing

Make tea, rest or take a walk when you are low. Actions show kindness more than words do.

TRY THIS
Choose one gentle act now.

TIP 19

Use a soothing phrase

Phrases such as I am doing my best soothe tension and are true. Choose one that suits you.

TRY THIS
Say it three times.

TIP 20

Imagine a kind friend looking at you

Picture someone who loves you looking at you right now. What would they say? Listen to their words.

TRY THIS
Hear and write their words.

TIP 21

Forgive small slips quickly

Let go of small mistakes by the end of the day. Carrying them to bed steals rest.

TRY THIS
Say I forgive myself tonight.

TIP 22

Balance kindness with growth

Kindness helps you learn without fear. It is not an excuse to stop trying.

TRY THIS
Write one kind goal.

TIP 23

Remember common humanity

Everyone struggles, fails and doubts. Remembering this reduces shame.

TRY THIS
Say I am not alone.

TIP 24

Notice your inner tone

Is the voice a bully or a coach? Listening carefully shows how you treat yourself.

TRY THIS
Listen for ten minutes.

TIP 25

Try loving-kindness

Silently say may I be well, may I be safe, may I be happy. It builds warmth toward yourself.

TRY THIS
Practise for two minutes.

TIP 26

Take care of basic needs

Hunger and tiredness make us harsh on ourselves. Feeding and resting yourself is kindness.

TRY THIS
Eat and sleep well tonight.

TIP 27

Make a comfort kit

A blanket, a song and a kind note can soothe. Gather them in one place.

TRY THIS
Create a small kit.

TIP 28

Care for your body gently

A stretch or a warm bath is self-kindness in action. Plan one soothing activity.

TRY THIS
Choose one for this week.

TIP 29

Limit self-criticism time

Give critic thoughts one minute, then stop and do something else. Moving on prevents spirals.

TRY THIS
Set a one-minute limit.

TIP 30

Ask what you need

Do I need rest, support or a laugh? Listen to the answer and respond.

TRY THIS
Write one need.

TIP 31

Practise with small annoyances

Be kind when you spill coffee or miss a bus. Kindness grows with practice in small moments.

TRY THIS
Use it for one small slip.

TIP 32

Share the practice

Tell a friend what you are learning. They may join you and support you.

TRY THIS
Message one.

TIP 33

Review your week

Look for moments of self-kindness. Celebrate them, however small.

TRY THIS
Write three.

TIP 34

Make it daily

A little each day beats a lot on hard days. Choose a time and keep it.

TRY THIS
Set a reminder.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

RULE

“I would not say that to a friend, so I will not say it to myself.”

SOOTHE

“This is hard, and I am doing my best.”

SHARE

“I am learning to be kinder to myself.”

PAUSE

“I will take a moment to be gentle.”

REFRAME

“It is okay to feel this way.”

THANKS

“Thank you for taking care of me.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Write one harsh thought

DAY 2
Say it as if to a friend

DAY 3
Reply kindly

DAY 4
Place a hand on your chest and breathe

DAY 5
Treat yourself to something small

DAY 6
Write a kind note to yourself

DAY 7
Review how you feel

Further reading

• The Confidence Code (Katty Kay and Claire Shipman)
• The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown)
• Mindset (Carol Dweck)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.