Confidence / Building Self-Confidence / Lesson 06

LESSON 06 · BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE

The Day You Stop Apologising for Existing

Twelve ways to stop saying sorry for simply being here.

You are not a problem to be managed. You are a person who belongs.

35 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

35 tips that really help

These ideas come from The Confidence Code (Katty Kay and Claire Shipman), The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown), Mindset (Carol Dweck), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Count the sorrys

Many of us say sorry twenty times a day without noticing. Counting makes the habit visible.

TRY THIS
Make a tally on your phone for one day.

TIP 2

Swap sorry for thank you

“Sorry I am late” becomes “thank you for waiting”. The meaning is warmer and you feel stronger.

TRY THIS
Try this swap at least three times today.

TIP 3

Keep sorry for real mistakes

A real apology matters more when you do not use it on everything. Save it for times you hurt someone.

TRY THIS
Write when an apology is truly needed.

TIP 4

Drop the warning words

Starting with “this might be silly” invites others to think it is. Just say the idea.

TRY THIS
Remove “just” and “maybe” from your next message.

TIP 5

Take up space

Sit down fully, put your bag down and use your whole chair. Small body choices teach your mind you belong.

TRY THIS
Take a seat in a meeting without hovering.

TIP 6

Ask for what you need

Needs are normal, and clear requests are kind. Asking is not being difficult.

TRY THIS
Ask for one small thing you need today.

TIP 7

Say excuse me instead

When you need to pass someone, “excuse me” is polite and does not shrink you.

TRY THIS
Use it instead of sorry in a crowded place.

TIP 8

Do not apologise for emotion

Crying or being upset is human. Saying “I am sorry for crying” asks others to ignore your feelings.

TRY THIS
Say “give me a moment” instead.

TIP 9

Stop apologising for your voice

Your accent, your quiet voice or your slow speech is yours. Speak anyway.

TRY THIS
Say your next sentence without any apology.

TIP 10

Let silence sit

You do not have to fill every gap with an apology. Silence is okay.

TRY THIS
Pause for three seconds before speaking next.

TIP 11

Notice who you over-apologise to

Some people trigger it more. Seeing who helps you plan.

TRY THIS
Write which two people you apologise to most.

TIP 12

Celebrate the change

Each time you skip an unneeded sorry, you tell your brain you are safe to exist.

TRY THIS
Smile at yourself when you notice it.

TIP 13

Say thank you more than sorry

Swap apologies for gratitude where you can, such as thank you for your patience. It changes how you feel and how others respond.

TRY THIS
Do the swap three times today.

TIP 14

Stop apologising for your needs

Needing space, time or quiet is normal. State them without sorry.

TRY THIS
Say I need ten minutes to think.

TIP 15

Do not apologise for crying

Tears are human, not a failure. Say I need a moment, and take it.

TRY THIS
Use that line next time you feel tearful.

TIP 16

Stop saying sorry for your opinion

Your view is as valid as anyone’s. Start with I think or in my view.

TRY THIS
Share one opinion without a warning.

TIP 17

Skip the sorry for asking questions

Asking questions shows interest and care. Start with I have a question.

TRY THIS
Ask a question without apologising.

TIP 18

Take your seat without hovering

Sit down as if the chair is yours. Taking space is not rude.

TRY THIS
Sit in the first available chair today.

TIP 19

Hold the door of your own life open

You belong in rooms, meetings and groups. Walk in as if invited.

TRY THIS
Enter your next room without shrinking.

TIP 20

Replace sorry for the delay with thanks for waiting

It keeps the same politeness and adds warmth. People feel appreciated.

TRY THIS
Practise the line aloud.

TIP 21

Notice the sorry reflex in emails

Many emails start with sorry to bother you. Delete it and start with hello.

TRY THIS
Edit one email today.

TIP 22

Check if you are really at fault

Sometimes sorry comes before you know whether you did anything wrong. Pause and ask.

TRY THIS
Ask did I do something wrong?

TIP 23

Accept thanks too

If someone thanks you, say you are welcome instead of it was nothing. It honours your effort.

TRY THIS
Say you are welcome today.

TIP 24

Be generous about others’ sorrys

When people over-apologise to you, say there is nothing to apologise for. It helps both of you.

TRY THIS
Reassure one person kindly.

TIP 25

Learn the difference between regret and apology

You can feel regret without owing an apology. Save apologies for harm.

TRY THIS
Write one example of each.

TIP 26

Use a gentle exit instead of sorry

If you need to leave, say I need to go now, thanks for the chat. It is clear and kind.

TRY THIS
Practise one gentle exit.

TIP 27

Speak at a normal volume

Whispering and over-explaining make you feel smaller. Speak clearly.

TRY THIS
Say one sentence in your normal voice.

TIP 28

Own your mistakes in one sentence

I got that wrong, here is the fix is enough. Long apologies draw attention to fear.

TRY THIS
Keep your next apology to one sentence.

TIP 29

Practise in the mirror

Say I am glad I am here and notice how it feels. Mirrors give honest practice.

TRY THIS
Say it three times.

TIP 30

Write a no-apology note

Put a note at your desk saying take up space. Visual cues help habits.

TRY THIS
Write and place it.

TIP 31

Ask a trusted friend to notice

A friend can point out when you say sorry too much. Let them help.

TRY THIS
Ask a friend to tap the table.

TIP 32

Keep a sorry count

A tally for a week shows the pattern. Seeing it helps change it.

TRY THIS
Start counting today.

TIP 33

Reward progress

Each unneeded sorry skipped is a small win. Note it.

TRY THIS
Smile at yourself when you manage it.

TIP 34

Teach yourself you belong

Repeat I belong here until it feels true. Belonging is a right.

TRY THIS
Say it before your next event.

TIP 35

Review after a month

Look at your count and see what changed. Celebrate the drop.

TRY THIS
Compare week one and week four.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

SWAP

“Thank you for waiting.”

ASK

“Could I get a moment, please?”

SPACE

“I will take this seat, thanks.”

ERROR

“That was my mistake, and I will fix it.”

NEED

“I need a little more time.”

KIND

“Thanks for understanding.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Count your sorrys for one day

DAY 2
Swap one sorry for a thank you

DAY 3
Ask for something small without apologising

DAY 4
Take a seat without asking

DAY 5
Say “excuse me” only when needed

DAY 6
Share your opinion without a warning

DAY 7
Notice how it feels

Further reading

• The Confidence Code (Katty Kay and Claire Shipman)
• The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown)
• Mindset (Carol Dweck)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.