Confidence / Building Self-Confidence / Lesson 10

LESSON 10 · BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE

The Evidence Your Inner Critic Hides

Twelve ways to find the proof your inner critic hides from you.

Your inner critic only shows you half the story. Let us find the other half.

34 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

34 tips that really help

These ideas come from The Confidence Code (Katty Kay and Claire Shipman), The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown), Mindset (Carol Dweck), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

Meet the critic

Your inner critic is a voice that points out flaws. It often sounds like an old teacher or parent.

TRY THIS
Write down the three phrases it says most.

TIP 2

Notice it highlights the bad

The critic remembers every mistake and forgets every win. That is bias, not truth.

TRY THIS
Write one win your critic keeps ignoring.

TIP 3

Ask for evidence

Treat the thought like a lawyer would. What facts support it, and what facts go against it?

TRY THIS
Write two columns: for and against.

TIP 4

Look for exceptions

Is it really always or never? Most harsh thoughts fall apart when you find one exception.

TRY THIS
Find one time the thought was not true.

TIP 5

Change the words

Replace always and never with sometimes and so far. The language becomes fair and calm.

TRY THIS
Rewrite your thought using sometimes.

TIP 6

Question the source

Whose voice is this? If it is old, it may not apply to you any more.

TRY THIS
Write who first said this to you.

TIP 7

Give the critic a job

The critic wants to protect you. Thank it, then tell it what you actually need.

TRY THIS
Say: I hear you, and I am going to try anyway.

TIP 8

Use the friend test

You would not talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself. Use their gentler voice.

TRY THIS
Say your thought as if a friend said it, then reply.

TIP 9

Collect counter-examples

Past results often disagree with the critic. Keep a list handy.

TRY THIS
Write three times you did better than the critic said.

TIP 10

Ask others

Trusted friends can give a more balanced view. Their words often surprise you.

TRY THIS
Ask one friend how they see your strengths.

TIP 11

Slow the thought down

Critic thoughts feel fast and loud. Slowing down shows how thin they are.

TRY THIS
Take three breaths before you accept a negative thought.

TIP 12

Practise daily

Challenging thoughts is a habit. A few minutes a day makes the critic quieter over time.

TRY THIS
Challenge one thought every evening this week.

TIP 13

Write the critic’s exact words

Putting the critic’s sentences on paper makes them look small. See them as words, not facts.

TRY THIS
Write three things your critic says.

TIP 14

Give your critic a silly voice

Imagining it as a cartoon takes the sting away. It is hard to be hurt by a squeaky voice.

TRY THIS
Say a critic line in a funny voice.

TIP 15

Ask if you would say it to a friend

If not, it is not fair to say to yourself. Rephrase it kindly.

TRY THIS
Rewrite one critic line as advice to a friend.

TIP 16

Look for the kernel of truth

Sometimes a critic has a point, such as I need more practice. Take the useful part and drop the cruelty.

TRY THIS
Find the useful part of one critic thought.

TIP 17

Make a list of times you were wrong

Times you feared and nothing bad happened are proof the critic exaggerates. Collect them.

TRY THIS
Write three times the critic was wrong.

TIP 18

Check the timeframe

Words like always and never are rarely true. Use this week or this time.

TRY THIS
Replace always with this time.

TIP 19

Spot mind reading

I know they think I am dull is a guess. Ask what you really know.

TRY THIS
Write facts, not guesses.

TIP 20

Spot catastrophising

The critic turns a small slip into disaster. Ask what is the most likely outcome.

TRY THIS
Write the likely outcome.

TIP 21

Notice emotional reasoning

I feel stupid does not mean I am stupid. Feelings are not facts.

TRY THIS
Say I feel it, and it is not proof.

TIP 22

Use a thought record

Write the situation, thought, evidence for and against, and a balanced thought. It is a classic tool from cognitive therapy.

TRY THIS
Fill in one thought record.

TIP 23

Ask a friend to be your fact-checker

A trusted friend can hear your thought and give a fair view. Their view helps.

TRY THIS
Share one critic thought with a friend.

TIP 24

Use the best-friend voice

Imagine your best friend said your critic line about themselves. What would you say?

TRY THIS
Say your answer to yourself.

TIP 25

Do something kind afterwards

After a harsh thought, do one gentle thing, such as tea or a walk. It softens the mood.

TRY THIS
Pick a kind act for the next harsh thought.

TIP 26

Limit the inner debate

Give yourself two minutes to question a thought, then act. Do not argue all day.

TRY THIS
Set a two-minute timer.

TIP 27

Lower your volume with movement

A short walk changes body chemistry and quiets the critic. Move first, think later.

TRY THIS
Walk for five minutes.

TIP 28

Replace the critic with a coach

A coach says here is how to improve. A critic says you are hopeless. Choose the coach.

TRY THIS
Rewrite one critic line as coaching.

TIP 29

Notice triggers

Certain times, such as late at night, make the critic louder. Plan around them.

TRY THIS
Note when the critic is loudest.

TIP 30

Write what you did well today

Balancing the critic’s list with a list of wins makes the picture fair. Do it daily.

TRY THIS
Write three wins tonight.

TIP 31

Keep a thank-you list

People who have helped you are evidence you are worth helping. Remember them.

TRY THIS
Write three names.

TIP 32

Read your progress file

Facts calm the critic. Read three entries.

TRY THIS
Open your file.

TIP 33

Do not obey the critic

You can listen without following. Thank it and act anyway.

TRY THIS
Say thanks, I will try anyway.

TIP 34

Celebrate a quieter critic

Notice when it is silent. That is progress.

TRY THIS
Smile at a quiet moment.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.

CHECK

“What is the actual evidence for that thought?”

BALANCE

“What is the evidence on the other side?”

FRIEND

“What would I say to a friend here?”

FACT

“That is a feeling, not a fact.”

REPLY

“Thanks for the warning, but I am going ahead.”

PROOF

“Here is what I have done well before.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Write down one critic thought

DAY 2
List evidence for it

DAY 3
List evidence against it

DAY 4
Rewrite the thought in a fair way

DAY 5
Ask a friend for their view

DAY 6
Add the new thought to your file

DAY 7
Notice how you feel afterwards

Further reading

• The Confidence Code (Katty Kay and Claire Shipman)
• The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown)
• Mindset (Carol Dweck)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.