Overcoming Shyness
Forty simple ideas to feel calmer around people and start talking, one small step at a time.
You do not have to stop being shy. You only need to stop letting it make your decisions. Small steps are enough.
40 tips that really help
They come from the ideas behind cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and from practical advice for shy people. The first six are the ones to start with. Pick one and begin today.
Say hello before you overthink
The longer you wait, the bigger the moment feels. When you notice a chance to say hello, take it within a few seconds, before the doubts arrive.
Next time you think I could say something, say a simple Hi straight away.
Look outward, not inward
When you are shy, your attention turns to yourself: how you look, how you sound. That makes nerves louder. Put your attention on the other person and on what they say.
In your next chat, notice one detail about the person, like what they are wearing or something they mention.
Be kind to yourself
Shy people are often their own harshest judge. Perfect is not the goal. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you care about.
After a chat, say one kind thing to yourself.
Start with friendly faces
You do not have to begin with the hardest person. Look for someone who seems relaxed, is standing alone or is already smiling. The odds are on your side.
At your next event, choose the friendliest looking person in the room to talk to first.
Ask about them
Most people enjoy talking about themselves, and it takes the pressure off you. Ask about their day, their work or their weekend, then follow what they say.
Ask one question that starts with What or How in your next conversation.
Let your nerves be there
Fighting nerves makes them stronger. Accept that your heart may race, breathe out slowly and talk anyway. The feeling drops when you stop fighting it.
Breathe in for 4 and out for 6, three times, then say hello.
Climb a ladder of small steps
List situations from easiest to hardest, such as smiling, saying hello, asking a question and joining a group. Start at the bottom. Move up when it feels manageable.
Write five steps and do the easiest one this week.
Carry two or three openers
A short plan lowers pressure. Prepare a couple of easy openers and topics, then stay flexible and listen. Do not memorise a script.
Learn: Hi, how is your day going? And: What brings you here?
Start with a smile
A smile is the easiest hello you have. It tells people you are friendly before you say a word, and it often makes them smile back.
Smile at three people today as you walk past, and notice how many smile back.
Drop the hiding habits
Scrolling your phone, staying quiet, standing near the wall. These feel safe, but they teach your brain that people are dangerous. Small changes break the cycle.
Keep your phone in your pocket while you wait in line.
Treat fear like an experiment
Write what you expect: I will have nothing to say. Then try it and see what really happens. Real life is usually gentler than the prediction.
Before saying hi, write your worry. Afterwards, write what actually happened.
Talk back to harsh thoughts
Thoughts like they will think I am boring feel like facts, but they are guesses. Ask yourself what you would say to a friend who thought this.
Replace I will sound stupid with I may be nervous, and that is okay.
Stop reading minds
You cannot know what others think of you. Most are busy with their own worries and are far less critical than you imagine.
When someone is quiet, write two other reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Go where your interests are
It is much easier to talk when you share a topic. Join a class, a club or a group about something you already like, and the conversation starts itself.
Find one group near you that matches a hobby, and look up the next meeting.
Arrive early
A quiet room is easier than a full one. Arriving early gives you time to settle and lets you meet people one at a time, as they come in.
At your next event, arrive 15 minutes early and greet the first two people.
Relax your shoulders
Nervous bodies tighten up. Drop your shoulders, unclench your jaw and uncross your arms. A relaxed body sends a calm message to your brain and to the other person.
Before you walk in, roll your shoulders back twice and let your hands hang loose.
Slow your voice down
When we are nervous we speak quickly and quietly. A slightly slower, steadier voice sounds confident and gives you time to think.
Say your first sentence at half your usual speed, and pause at the end.
Share one small detail
Conversations grow when both people give something. Share a small, honest detail about yourself, like I am new here or I just started this hobby.
Add one personal detail to your next chat, such as where you live or what you enjoy.
Use their name
A name is easy to forget when you are nervous. Repeat it once when you hear it, and use it again at the end. It shows you care and helps you remember.
When you hear a name, say Nice to meet you, followed by their name.
Make friendly eye contact in short moments
Eye contact does not have to be a stare. Look at the person for a few seconds, then look away naturally, and come back when they speak.
Hold eye contact for about three seconds as you say hello, then look away gently.
Ask follow-up questions
A follow-up question shows you listened. Pick one word from their answer and ask about it, like What was that like? or How did you get started?
In your next chat, ask one follow-up question before you share anything about yourself.
Join in, do not wait to be invited
Waiting for the perfect gap keeps you on the edge of the group. Stand close, listen for a moment, smile, and add a short comment or question.
At your next group chat, listen for one minute, then add one short comment.
Give a kind, honest compliment
A real compliment opens doors. Keep it simple and about something they chose, like their idea, their story or their style. Avoid comments about their body.
Give one honest compliment this week, such as I like how you explained that.
Say your name clearly and slowly
Nervous people mumble their name. Say it slowly with a smile, and add a small hook, like I am Sam, I work next door. It gives them something to reply to.
Practise your introduction out loud: Hi, I am …, and I …
Let silence be okay
A short pause is a normal part of every conversation. You do not have to fill each gap. Take a breath, smile, and ask a simple question when you are ready.
Count to three slowly in your head the next time there is a pause.
Practise with low-pressure people
Cashiers, baristas, neighbours and dog walkers are great for practice. The talk is short, the stakes are low, and most people are happy to chat.
Say hello and ask one small question to a cashier or a barista this week.
Have an exit line ready
Fear of being stuck stops many people from starting. When you know how to end a chat politely, beginning one feels safer.
Learn one line: It was really nice talking to you, I am going to get a drink. Enjoy your day.
Say yes to small invitations
Every yes is a free practice round. A coffee, a short walk or a class does not have to be perfect. Say yes to the small ones first.
Say yes to one small invitation this week, even if you only stay for an hour.
Bring a friend for your first visit
A friendly face makes a new place feel safe. Ask a friend to come along the first time, then try to meet one new person while you are there.
Invite a friend to your next event and agree to meet one new person each.
Volunteer for a small job at an event
A small role, like greeting people or handing out name tags, gives you a reason to talk and takes the pressure off. You already know what to say.
Offer to help at a local event and greet everyone who arrives.
Prepare three light stories
Have a few short, positive stories ready, such as a funny moment from your week or something you learned. They keep a chat moving when the questions run out.
Write three short stories from this week that take under a minute to tell.
Expect the first minute to be the hardest
Almost everyone feels most nervous at the start. After the first minute your body calms down and the talk gets easier. Stay a little longer than feels comfortable.
Promise yourself you will stay at least ten minutes before you decide to leave.
Rehearse out loud
Saying your lines aloud makes them feel familiar. Practise in the mirror, in the car or on a voice note, so the words come easier when you need them.
Say your opening line out loud five times today.
Skip the replay
Going over a conversation again and again in bed makes it feel worse. Instead, finish it: note what went well, one thing to try next time, and let it go.
Write three good things from today, then close the notebook.
Look after your body
Poor sleep, too much coffee and skipped meals make nerves stronger. A walk, enough sleep and a proper meal before a social event help you feel steadier.
Before your next event, take a 10 minute walk and skip the extra coffee.
Reward yourself for trying
Treat effort as a win, not only the result. A favourite coffee, a walk or a good film after you try something new teaches your brain that talking to people is worth it.
Plan a small treat for after your next conversation.
Stay curious about the world
The more you notice and learn, the more you have to talk about. Read, listen and try new things, then share what you found interesting.
Pick one new thing to read or watch this week and tell one person about it.
Watch how warm people talk
Someone you know probably makes everyone feel at ease. Watch how they ask questions, listen and smile, then borrow one habit.
Notice one thing a friendly person does, and copy it this week.
Show up again
Familiar places make you feel at home. Going to the same class, cafe or club each week lets faces become familiar, and chats become easier with each visit.
Choose one place to visit every week for the next month.
Celebrate every small win
Said hello? That counts. Asked a question? That counts. Progress is made of small steps, and noticing them builds confidence faster than waiting for a big change.
Keep a simple list of your wins this week, and read it on a hard day.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work almost anywhere.
“Hi! How is your day going?”
“This place is busy today, isn’t it?”
“What brought you here today?”
“That sounds interesting. How did you start?”
“I am a little nervous, I will admit.”
“It was nice talking to you. Enjoy your day!”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Smile at three people
Say hello to a stranger
Add a comment about the place
Ask one open question
Ask a follow-up
Share one small detail about you
Chat for two minutes
Further reading
- Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler. A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques.
- 100 Ways to Overcome Shyness by Barton Goldsmith and Marlena Hunter. Practical steps from self-conscious to self-confident.
Photos are from Unsplash and used under the Unsplash licence. The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance, not medical advice. If shyness or anxiety stops you from doing things you want to do, a doctor or a counsellor can help.
More lessons in “Starting Conversations”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
Next: Approaching Someone Naturally →
- Overcoming Shyness
- Approaching Someone Naturally
- The First 10 Seconds
- 10 Easy Opening Lines
- Eye Contact & Body Language
- Asking Good Questions
- Keeping a Conversation Going
- Active Listening
- Handling Awkward Silence
- Ending a Conversation Politely
- Meeting a New Coworker
- Talking to Your Manager
- Small Talk Before Meetings
- Business Networking Events
- Starting Conversations with Customers
- Professional Introductions
- Following Up After Meeting Someone
- Starting Conversations at the Gym
- Giving Respectful Compliments
- Talking About Workouts
- Meeting People at Sports Clubs
- Respecting Personal Space
- From Gym Acquaintance to Friend
- Starting Conversations at Parties
- Joining a Group Conversation
- Introducing Yourself at Events
- Talking to Friends of Friends
- Finding Common Interests
- Moving Beyond Small Talk
- Exchanging Contact Information
- Conversations at Coffee Shops
- Talking at Stores & Bookshops
- Meeting Your Neighbours
- Talking While Waiting in Line
- Talking to Someone You Find Attractive
- First Messages on Dating Apps
- Talking Across Cultures
- Overcoming Language Barriers
- Handling Rejection Respectfully
- Turning Introductions into Friendships
