Let Them See You Imperfect
Thirty-two ways to let them see you imperfect, the generous gift that makes real friendship possible.
Perfection keeps people at a distance. Imperfection lets them in.
29 tips that really help
These ideas come from Platonic (Marisa Franco), Friendship (Lydia Denworth), Friends (Robin Dunbar), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
The pratfall effect
Psychologist Elliot Aronson found that competent people become more likeable after a small blunder. Showing flaws makes you relatable.
Allow one small mistake.
Perfection pushes people away
People who always appear flawless can seem unreachable or fake. Friends want a real person.
Loosen your image.
Admit a small flaw
I am terrible with directions is charming and harmless. Start with the safe ones.
Share a flaw.
Show your messy side
Let a friend see your cluttered desk or unmade bed. A bit of mess is intimate.
Open the door.
Laugh at your mistakes
When you spill something, laugh. It shows you are secure and fun.
Smile.
Ask for help
Needing help shows trust and gives them a chance to be generous. Ask for something small.
Ask today.
Share a struggle
Telling a friend about a hard week, in brief, invites support. It makes you real.
Share briefly.
Say I do not know
Admitting you do not know is honest and attractive. Do not bluff.
Say it.
Apologise sincerely
When you slip, apologise simply and move on. Maturity wins trust.
Say sorry once.
Accept their imperfection too
Be kind about their flaws. Mutual grace is the foundation.
Be gentle.
Be consistent
Do not oscillate between flawless and a mess. Let honesty be steady.
Keep it real.
Choose safe people
Show imperfection to kind people first. Build trust.
Pick one.
Script: admitting
I am honestly not very good at this, but I am enjoying it. Warm.
Use it.
Script: laughing
Well, that went wrong, did it not? Light.
Use it.
Script: asking
Would you mind helping me with this? I am stuck. Trusting.
Use it.
Script: thanking
Thank you for being so kind about it. Grateful.
Use it.
Script: closing
I am glad you know the real me. Heartfelt.
Say it.
Mistake: hiding behind a perfect image
It blocks closeness. Let some real show.
Share one real thing.
Mistake: oversharing flaws
Balance. Do not turn every meeting into confession.
Mix with strengths.
Mistake: judging yourself harshly
Self-criticism in front of friends makes them uneasy. Be kind to yourself.
Soften.
Troubleshoot: when someone judges you
They may not be a safe person. Step back and seek kinder friends.
Choose carefully.
Troubleshoot: when you feel exposed
Remind yourself that most people respond with warmth. Breathe.
Pause.
Troubleshoot: when you cannot stop striving
Notice the fear behind perfectionism and be gentle. Practise small risks.
Take a tiny risk.
Troubleshoot: when shame arises
Name it, breathe and tell a trusted person. Shame shrinks in company.
Talk.
Troubleshoot: when they overshare back
Listen kindly and gently set pace. Care for both.
Be kind.
Drill: one imperfect thing a day
Let one small imperfection show, such as an unironed shirt. Build tolerance.
Try it.
Drill: a flaw confession
Tell a friend a harmless quirk. Laugh together.
Share it.
Drill: a help request
Ask for small help weekly. Practise vulnerability.
Ask.
Drill: a kindness to yourself
Say one kind thing about your imperfect self. Self-compassion.
Say it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“I made a mess of that.”
“I am hopeless at this, honestly.”
“Could you help me with this?”
“I have a lot to learn.”
“Thanks for not judging.”
“I am glad you know the real me.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Admit one small flaw
Show your untidy side
Ask for help
Laugh at a mistake
Share a struggle
Thank them for accepting you
Notice their response
Further reading
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
- Friendship (Lydia Denworth)
- Friends (Robin Dunbar)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Turn an Acquaintance Into a Friend”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Say "Me Too" With CareNext: Meet Their Other Friends →
- The Rule of Repeated Contact
- Friendship Takes Around Fifty Hours
- Why Small Moments Matter Most
- Proximity, Repetition and Shared Experience
- Weak Ties Can Become Strong Ties
- Why Most Friendships Stall
- What Makes Someone Click With You
- The Low-Pressure Invite
- Invite for Coffee, Not for a Commitment
- Suggest Something You Both Mentioned
- Offer Two Options Instead of One
- Text the Invitation Naturally
- Handle a Maybe or a No Gracefully
- Be the One Who Suggests Plans
- Do an Activity Instead of Just Talking
- Try a New Thing Together
- Cook or Eat Together
- Walks and Outings That Bond
- Attend an Event Together
- Make a Small Tradition
- Help Each Other With Something Real
- Share a Little More Each Time
- The Power of Small Vulnerabilities
- Ask Questions That Go Deeper
- Share Your Real Opinions
- Trade Stories, Not Just Facts
- Say "Me Too" With Care
- Let Them See You Imperfect
- Meet Their Other Friends
- Introduce Them to Yours
- Remember Their Important Dates
- Check In During Tough Times
- Celebrate Their Wins
- Show Up When It Counts
- Say Out Loud That You Enjoy Their Company
- Become Each Other's Go-To Person
- Give Each Other a Nickname or a Ritual
- Be Patient: Closeness Cannot Be Rushed
- Know When a Friendship Is Not Taking Off
- Your Friendship Growth Plan
