Do an Activity Instead of Just Talking
Thirty-two ways to do an activity instead of just talking, because doing things together builds friendship faster than sitting across a table.
Side-by-side time is easier than face-to-face time. Give your hands and eyes something to do.
25 tips that really help
These ideas come from Platonic (Marisa Franco), Friendship (Lydia Denworth), Friends (Robin Dunbar), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Activities lower the pressure
When you are doing something, silence feels natural and conversation flows from the task. Shy people especially find it easier than facing each other.
Choose an activity, not just a chat.
Side by side beats face to face
Walking, cooking or crafting puts you shoulder to shoulder. Many people open up more when they do not have to hold eye contact constantly.
Suggest a walk or a craft.
Shared tasks create teamwork
Working toward a small goal, such as assembling a puzzle, gives you a mini team. Teamwork bonds quickly.
Pick a task with a goal.
Choose activities you both enjoy
Mutual enjoyment makes the hours fly. Ask what they like before suggesting.
Ask about their interests.
Start with easy ones
A short walk, a market visit or a cafe game are low-risk starts. Save big adventures for later.
Begin small.
Pick activities with natural talk time
Cooking, walking and board games leave room to talk. Cinemas and loud gigs do not.
Check the talk potential.
Pick activities with some novelty
New experiences create fresh topics and stories. Even a small novelty, like a new trail, helps.
Add something new.
Pick activities with low skill needs
Avoid activities where one of you feels incompetent. Easy activities keep everyone relaxed.
Choose beginner-friendly.
Use their hobby
Asking them to show you their hobby flatters and teaches. People love to share what they love.
Ask to be taught.
Share yours too
Invite them to try something of yours. Reciprocity builds balance.
Offer a taste.
Keep a flexible plan
Have a loose plan and adapt to the mood. Flexibility keeps it fun.
Stay loose.
End with a debrief
Grab a drink afterwards and talk about the experience. The debrief deepens the memory.
Plan a coffee after.
Script: suggesting an activity
Instead of just coffee, shall we go for a walk by the river? Gentle and clear.
Use it.
Script: joining theirs
I have never tried climbing, would you take me along? Humble and fun.
Use it.
Script: proposing a class
There is a beginners’ pottery night on Friday, would you like to try it together? Specific.
Use it.
Script: during
This is so much better than sitting in a cafe. Appreciation.
Say it.
Script: after
That was such a good idea, let us do another one. Momentum.
Say it.
Mistake: choosing something too demanding
A hard hike may exhaust. Match ability.
Check fitness.
Troubleshoot: when they hesitate
Offer a smaller version or an alternative. Lower the bar.
Offer a short version.
Troubleshoot: when conversation dries up
Return to the activity and ask about it. The task gives topics.
Comment on the task.
Troubleshoot: when you are shy
Choose structured activities with instructors. They guide.
Pick a class.
Troubleshoot: when you have no ideas
Browse local listings or ask friends for ideas. Many exist.
Search for ten minutes.
Drill: one activity a month
Suggest a new activity monthly. Build a history.
Plan the first.
Drill: the activity jar
Write ideas on slips and draw one each month. Fun.
Make a jar.
Drill: capture photos
Take a photo from each activity. Memories.
Snap one.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday friendships.
“Shall we do something instead of just sitting?”
“I would love to try that with you.”
“There is a class on Saturday, fancy it?”
“This is so much fun.”
“Thanks for suggesting this.”
“We should do this again.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
List five activities you enjoy
Pick one a friend might like
Suggest it casually
Book or plan it
Do it together
Debrief over a drink
Plan the next one
Further reading
- Platonic (Marisa Franco)
- Friendship (Lydia Denworth)
- Friends (Robin Dunbar)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “How to Turn an Acquaintance Into a Friend”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Be the One Who Suggests PlansNext: Try a New Thing Together →
- The Rule of Repeated Contact
- Friendship Takes Around Fifty Hours
- Why Small Moments Matter Most
- Proximity, Repetition and Shared Experience
- Weak Ties Can Become Strong Ties
- Why Most Friendships Stall
- What Makes Someone Click With You
- The Low-Pressure Invite
- Invite for Coffee, Not for a Commitment
- Suggest Something You Both Mentioned
- Offer Two Options Instead of One
- Text the Invitation Naturally
- Handle a Maybe or a No Gracefully
- Be the One Who Suggests Plans
- Do an Activity Instead of Just Talking
- Try a New Thing Together
- Cook or Eat Together
- Walks and Outings That Bond
- Attend an Event Together
- Make a Small Tradition
- Help Each Other With Something Real
- Share a Little More Each Time
- The Power of Small Vulnerabilities
- Ask Questions That Go Deeper
- Share Your Real Opinions
- Trade Stories, Not Just Facts
- Say "Me Too" With Care
- Let Them See You Imperfect
- Meet Their Other Friends
- Introduce Them to Yours
- Remember Their Important Dates
- Check In During Tough Times
- Celebrate Their Wins
- Show Up When It Counts
- Say Out Loud That You Enjoy Their Company
- Become Each Other's Go-To Person
- Give Each Other a Nickname or a Ritual
- Be Patient: Closeness Cannot Be Rushed
- Know When a Friendship Is Not Taking Off
- Your Friendship Growth Plan
