The Quiet Power of Eye Contact
Twenty kind ways to use your eyes, from warm hellos and gentle looking to comfortable breaks, so eye contact feels natural.
A look is a gift. Warm eyes make a warm talk.
20 tips that really help
These ideas come from Mindset (Carol Dweck), Self-Compassion (Kristin Neff), Chatter (Ethan Kross), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
See eye contact as a gift
Eye contact can feel scary, but it helps to think of it as a gift. When you look at someone, you are saying, You matter, and I am listening. You are not staring them down. You are giving them your attention.
Today, give three people a warm look as you say a few words to them. Think of it as a small gift. Notice how they respond.
Notice the colour of their eyes
Here is an easy trick for starting eye contact. When you meet someone, silently notice the colour of their eyes. It gives your mind a clear and simple job. You will find that you hold the look for just the right time.
For the next three days, notice the eye colour of every person you say hello to. Do not tell anyone, just do it. Count how many different colours you saw.
Look more when you listen
Most people find it easier to look at someone while they listen than while they speak. Use that to your advantage. When the other person talks, keep your eyes on their face with a gentle look and a nod.
In your next conversation, make it your goal to look at the other person for most of the time they are talking. Look away softly when you answer.
Look away to think, then come back
It is perfectly natural to look away when you search for a word or an idea. Look up or to the side for a moment, then return your eyes to the person.
In your next conversation, look away for a moment when you need to think. Then look back and speak. Notice that it feels natural and polite.
Try the soft triangle
If looking into both eyes feels too strong, try the soft triangle. Let your gaze move slowly between one eye, the other eye and the mouth, then back. Move slowly and gently, as if your eyes are resting.
Try the soft triangle with a friend or family member today. Keep the movements slow and small. Ask them later how it felt, if you like.
Let your eyes smile too
A real smile uses the eyes as well as the mouth. The skin around your eyes crinkles, and your whole face looks warm. To find it, think of someone you like and let your face react.
Look in a mirror and think of someone you love. Notice what your eyes do. Then try to bring that feeling into your next hello.
Greet people with a look first
A hello is stronger when your eyes arrive first. Look at the person, then say hello, then smile. It takes only a second, and it makes the greeting feel genuine. You are saying, I see you, before you say anything else.
For one week, make your first look a habit. Look, then speak, with every hello and thank you. Try it with shop staff, neighbours and family.
Look at the camera now and then
On a video call, we often look at the other person’s face on the screen. The trouble is that it seems as if we are looking down.
On your next video call, try looking at the camera when you say hello and goodbye. Add a few looks in the middle.
Share the look around a group
In a group, it is easy to look only at the person who is talking, or only at the person you know best. Try to share your eyes around the circle.
At your next meal or meeting, make sure that every person has had at least one friendly look from you. Pay special attention to the quietest person.
Use the bridge of the nose when you need a rest
If looking directly into someone’s eyes feels too much, look at the bridge of their nose, between the eyes, or at their eyebrows. From a little way away, it looks almost the same as eye contact.
Try the bridge-of-the-nose look in a casual chat today. Ask a friend whether they can tell the difference. Use it in tense moments.
Respect that everyone looks differently
Not everyone likes or uses eye contact in the same way. Some people are shy. Some have conditions that make it hard. In some cultures, long eye contact can feel rude or too strong.
In your next conversation, notice how much the other person looks at you. Adjust your gaze to be a little softer or a little longer to match.
Say important things with your eyes up
When you say something that matters, like I am sorry, I love you or I need your help, lift your eyes and look at the person. Say it plainly and let your eyes show that you mean it.
Think of one important thing you want to say to someone. Practise saying it aloud with your eyes up. Then say it for real, kindly.
Practise with a friend for one minute
Ask a friend who is comfortable with you to try an eye contact game. Look at each other for one minute in silence, and smile when you feel like it. You may laugh, and that is part of it.
Ask a trusted friend or family member to try a one-minute look with you this week. Agree that either of you can stop at any time.
Warm up with photos and screens
If you are very shy about eye contact, start with pictures. Look at the eyes of people in photos, magazines or on a video, and let your gaze rest there for a few seconds. Notice how it feels and breathe slowly.
Spend two minutes today looking at the eyes in a few photos or a video. Count to three for each one.
Start with kind faces
Choose the easiest people to practise eye contact with. Think of shop staff, a friendly neighbour, your dog-walking friend or a family member. Smile, say a few words and look at their eyes. Over time, your comfort will grow.
Choose three kind people in your life for practice this week. Look at their eyes as you talk. Keep a note of how each one felt.
Match your eyes to your words
Your eyes show the feeling behind your words. Let them be warm when you are kind, steady when you are serious and bright when you are happy. Think about the message, and let your face follow.
In three conversations this week, think about the feeling you want to show. Let your eyes carry it. Notice how people respond.
Look at the person you answer
In a meeting, when someone asks a question, look at that person as you reply. Then, as you finish, include the others with a glance. It shows respect and keeps the conversation clear.
At your next meeting, practise this pattern once or twice. Look at the asker, answer, then include the room. Notice how it feels.
Let a short hello with a stranger be enough
Not every look needs a conversation. When you pass a stranger, a quick glance with a small smile and a nod is a kind act. Try it on a walk, in a lift or on a bus.
On your next walk, give a small smile and nod to three people you pass. Keep it easy and friendly. Notice how often you receive a smile in return.
Hold the look a moment longer when you mean it
Sometimes a longer look says more than a sentence. When you thank someone, congratulate them or comfort them, hold your look for one extra second. Do it softly, with a gentle smile. That second tells them that you are really here.
Choose one kind moment today when you will hold a look a little longer. Keep it gentle. Smile as you do it.
Set a small daily goal and count it
Choose a number of friendly looks each day. Start with three, then five, then more. Keep a tally on a sticky note or on your phone. Each look can be a hello, a thank you or a smile.
Start your tally tomorrow. Write a mark for each friendly look, and celebrate the third one with a smile. After a week, raise the number by one.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday moments.
“Good morning. It is good to see you.”
“Thank you. That meant a lot.”
“Tell me more about that.”
“Hello, everyone. Thank you for joining.”
“I am so happy for you.”
“It was lovely to talk with you.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice the colour of three pairs of eyes
Look at a speaker for a whole thought
Greet with a look first
Smile with your eyes
Look at the camera on a call
Share your look around a group
Count five friendly looks
Further reading
- Mindset (Carol Dweck)
- Self-Compassion (Kristin Neff)
- Chatter (Ethan Kross)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
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