Make Decisions Together
Forty easy tips to make decisions together, so both voices shape your shared life.
Decide as a team. Both voices count.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), And Baby Makes Three (John and Julie Gottman), Fair Play (Eve Rodsky), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Shared decisions build trust
When both people help decide, both feel responsible and respected. It prevents resentment later.
Decide together.
Name the decision clearly
Write one sentence describing the choice. Clear focus avoids confusion.
Write it.
Share your views in turn
Each person speaks fully without interruption. Equal time shows respect.
Take turns.
Ask about feelings and values
Why does this matter to you? Understanding reasons helps compromise.
Ask why.
List the options
Brainstorm at least three. More options reduce stuck positions.
List three.
Weigh pros and cons
Write them together and look for overlaps. Seeing it on paper helps.
Write both.
Decide who leads in which areas
Some couples share all, others divide areas by interest. Agree on a fair method.
Agree a method.
Use a pause for big choices
Sleep on it for a day or two. Rushed choices cause regret.
Wait a night.
Choose and commit
Once decided, support the choice. Do not sabotage.
Commit.
Set a review date
Check in after a month or three. Adjust gently.
Set a date.
Celebrate good decisions
Notice and thank each other. Positive feedback encourages teamwork.
Celebrate.
Example: the pros and cons
Tia and Dev wrote pros and cons about a car and found an option that suited both. They felt proud.
Try lists.
Example: the areas
They agreed that she led on holidays and he on home repairs, with big decisions shared. It worked.
Agree areas.
Example: the review
After three months, they reviewed their choice and made small changes. It felt wise.
Review.
Script: starting
We need to decide this together, shall we sit down tonight? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: asking
What matters most to you about this choice? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: proposing
Shall we try this option for three months and review? Say it lightly.
Use it.
Script: celebrating
I am glad we decided this together, thank you. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: deciding alone and informing your partner afterwards
It breaks trust, so include them from the start.
Include them.
Mistake: letting the louder voice always win
Fair decisions need quieter voices too, so invite everyone to speak.
Invite them.
Mistake: avoiding decisions because you fear conflict
Delay can create bigger problems, so face choices calmly.
Face it.
Troubleshoot: when you disagree strongly
Take a break, gather facts and consider a trial or outside advice. A mediator can help.
Take a break.
Troubleshoot: when one person always defers
Notice the pattern and invite honest views. Check in on fairness.
Invite them.
Troubleshoot: when the decision is urgent
Make a safe, reversible choice and review soon after. Speed with care.
Choose safely.
Book idea: accept influence
John Gottman found that husbands who allow their wives to influence decisions have happier marriages, and the same applies to every couple.
Welcome their input.
Book idea: decision partners
Researchers on collaborative decision-making suggest listing options, naming values and deciding together, which makes both partners feel respected.
Use a simple decision sheet.
Myth: one person should be the decision maker
Shared decisions create shared ownership, and even if one leads on a topic, the other voice should count.
Share the say.
Myth: disagreement means the decision will fail
Different views often lead to better decisions if you listen and weigh them kindly.
Welcome differences.
Story: Lola and Tom compare lists
Lola and Tom each wrote pros and cons for buying a car, compared them calmly and found the choice easier than expected.
Write two lists.
Story: Omar sleeps on it
Omar and his wife agreed to wait a night before big choices, and found they made calmer, kinder decisions.
Wait a night.
Journal: which decisions do I usually avoid or leave to my partner?
Seeing the pattern shows where to speak up.
Write three.
Journal: what makes me feel heard in a decision?
Naming it lets you ask for it.
Write it.
Challenge: agree on a process for big decisions
A clear process like list, talk, wait, decide reduces tension.
Write the steps.
Green flag: you both feel the decision is yours
Shared ownership is the mark of teamwork.
Celebrate.
Red flag: one person always gets their way
Check fairness and speak kindly about balance.
Plan a talk.
Quick win: write the decision and the reasons down
A record helps if you need to review.
Do it.
Quick win: write down the decision and the reasons you chose it
A short record helps you remember why and prevents later blame or confusion.
Do it today.
Fun fact: shared decision making is linked with higher marital satisfaction
Research supports the idea that deciding together makes couples happier and more committed.
Share it.
Think about it: what would I choose if I knew my partner would fully support me?
This question can reveal your true wish and what you have been holding back.
Write your answer.
Mini habit: ask what do you think before you give your own view
Listening first builds respect and often leads to better, kinder decisions.
Practise daily.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“Here is what I think.”
“What do you think?”
“Let us list the options.”
“What matters most for each of us?”
“Shall we choose this one?”
“We decided together.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Name the decision
Share views
List options
Weigh values
Sleep on it
Decide
Review
Further reading
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- And Baby Makes Three (John and Julie Gottman)
- Fair Play (Eve Rodsky)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Living Together, Marriage and Parenting”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Keep Love Alive After the WeddingNext: Plan Money Goals as a Couple →
- Know When You Are Ready to Move In
- Talk About Rules Before You Move In
- Share Space and Stuff Kindly
- Keep Some Space for Yourself
- Talk About Marriage Early
- Ask the Big Questions Before Marriage
- Plan a Wedding Without Stress
- Keep Love Alive After the Wedding
- Make Decisions Together
- Plan Money Goals as a Couple
- Keep Weekly Couple Meetings
- Protect Your Love From Daily Stress
- Prepare Your Relationship for a Baby
- Share Parenting Fairly
- Keep Time for Each Other With Kids
- Disagree About Parenting Calmly
- Keep Growing as Individuals
- Renew Your Vows Every Year
- Handle Midlife and Big Changes
- Build a Love That Lasts
