Keep Growing as Individuals
Forty easy tips to keep growing as individuals, so your love stays interesting and alive.
Two growing people, one strong bond. Keep learning.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), And Baby Makes Three (John and Julie Gottman), Fair Play (Eve Rodsky), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Individuals make a lively couple
When each person keeps growing, there is always something new to share. Stagnation drains love.
Keep growing.
Set a personal goal each year
Choose a goal for learning, health or craft. Personal goals give pride and energy.
Choose one.
Learn something new
Courses, books and projects keep your mind alive. Learning is attractive.
Start one.
Share what you learn
Tell your partner stories from your growth. Sharing keeps you connected.
Share one.
Support their goals
Offer help, cheer and time. Support makes goals easier.
Support one.
Keep friends and hobbies
They feed your spirit and bring fresh stories. Protect them.
Plan time.
Take solo time
Short trips, walks or retreats help reflection. Alone time sparks growth.
Plan solo time.
Try new challenges
Volunteer, perform or travel. Challenges build confidence.
Pick a challenge.
Respect different paths
You may grow in different directions. Talk and stay curious.
Stay curious.
Review yearly
Each year, talk about how you have grown and what is next. Reflect together.
Review.
Example: the course
Mia took a pottery class and shared her creations at home. Her partner loved her passion.
Take a class.
Example: the support
Ben supported his wife’s marathon training with early-morning snacks and cheers. She finished proudly.
Support kindly.
Example: the yearly talk
Each January, they share what they learned and what they want next. It renews their bond.
Plan a talk.
Script: sharing
I learned something new this week and I would love to tell you about it. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: supporting
How can I support your goal this month? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: asking
What are you curious about these days? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: celebrating
I am proud of the way you are growing. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: expecting your partner to be your whole world
It puts heavy pressure on them, so build a full life of your own.
Build your world.
Mistake: feeling threatened by their growth
Growth can feel scary, so share fears kindly and celebrate them.
Celebrate them.
Mistake: neglecting your own growth to avoid change
Staying small can lead to resentment, so keep learning and be honest.
Keep learning.
Troubleshoot: when you grow apart
Talk honestly, share interests and plan joint projects. A counsellor can help bridge gaps.
Talk and plan.
Troubleshoot: when time and money are limited
Choose free learning, library resources and short sessions. Small steps count.
Choose free.
Troubleshoot: when you do not know what to learn
Try new things for a month each. Interests will appear.
Experiment.
Set a yearly personal learning goal and share it at dinner
Telling your partner your aim helps them cheer you on and keeps you motivated.
Share a goal.
Take one solo outing each month for your own interests
Time on your own refreshes you and gives you stories to share.
Plan one outing.
Ask your partner what new skill they would like you to see them grow
Curiosity about each other’s growth keeps you connected through change.
Ask the question.
Book idea: growth keeps love fresh
Arthur Aron’s self-expansion research shows that couples who keep learning and growing, individually and together, feel more in love over time.
Learn something new.
Book idea: two whole people
Esther Perel and others stress that a healthy couple is made of two growing individuals, which keeps curiosity and desire alive.
Keep your own goals.
Myth: marriage means your goals should merge completely
Shared goals matter, but personal growth keeps each person interesting and energised.
Keep both.
Myth: growth threatens the relationship
Supported growth strengthens relationships, while blocked growth builds resentment.
Support each other.
Story: Ada takes a course
Ada took an evening course in photography, and her husband supported her, and she said it made her more alive at home.
Start a course.
Story: Ben joins a choir
Ben joined a choir, and his wife loved hearing him sing at home, and they attended a concert together.
Share your new world.
Journal: which personal growth goal would make me proud of myself?
Naming it makes it real and gives you something to share and plan.
Write one goal.
Journal: how could my partner help me grow in this area?
Clear, kind asks make it easy for your partner to support you.
Write two ideas.
Challenge: set one personal learning goal and share it with your partner this week
Sharing your goal builds support and accountability and may inspire your partner too.
Share it tonight.
Challenge: attend one class or event on your own this month
Independent time brings fresh stories and energy back to your relationship.
Book it.
Think about it: which new skill would add the most joy to my life?
Imagining it can point you to a hobby or course you have been postponing.
Write one idea.
Mini habit: spend twenty minutes every day on a personal interest
Small daily time adds up to real growth and keeps you interesting and alive.
Start today.
Quick win: tell your partner one thing you learned today
Small shares build closeness and show that you keep growing.
Do it tonight.
Say this: I would love to learn this, and I would love your support
A warm request that invites partnership instead of permission.
Use it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“I am learning something new.”
“Here is what I discovered.”
“I will help you with your goal.”
“What are you curious about?”
“Thank you for supporting me.”
“We grow together.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Set a personal goal
Learn something new
Share it with your partner
Support their goal
Keep friends and hobbies
Take solo time
Review yearly
Further reading
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- And Baby Makes Three (John and Julie Gottman)
- Fair Play (Eve Rodsky)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Living Together, Marriage and Parenting”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Disagree About Parenting CalmlyNext: Renew Your Vows Every Year →
- Know When You Are Ready to Move In
- Talk About Rules Before You Move In
- Share Space and Stuff Kindly
- Keep Some Space for Yourself
- Talk About Marriage Early
- Ask the Big Questions Before Marriage
- Plan a Wedding Without Stress
- Keep Love Alive After the Wedding
- Make Decisions Together
- Plan Money Goals as a Couple
- Keep Weekly Couple Meetings
- Protect Your Love From Daily Stress
- Prepare Your Relationship for a Baby
- Share Parenting Fairly
- Keep Time for Each Other With Kids
- Disagree About Parenting Calmly
- Keep Growing as Individuals
- Renew Your Vows Every Year
- Handle Midlife and Big Changes
- Build a Love That Lasts
