Ask the Big Questions Before Marriage
Forty easy tips to ask the big questions before marriage, so you start with clear eyes and open hearts.
Ask early, build strong. Honest answers help.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), And Baby Makes Three (John and Julie Gottman), Fair Play (Eve Rodsky), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Big questions prevent big surprises
Many painful conflicts come from unspoken assumptions. Asking early gives you time to understand and plan.
Start the list.
Ask about money
How will we share income, savings and debt? Who decides on large purchases?
Ask these.
Ask about children
Do we want children, how many and when? How will we share care?
Ask these.
Ask about home and work
Where will we live? How will we balance jobs and housework?
Ask these.
Ask about faith and values
How will faith, culture and traditions shape our life? What are our deepest values?
Ask these.
Ask about extended family
How involved will families be? What are your expectations around visits and care?
Ask these.
Ask about conflict and repair
How do we argue and make up? What helps you feel safe in fights?
Ask these.
Ask about health and the future
How will we handle illness, ageing and big changes? What are our long-term dreams?
Ask these.
Ask about intimacy and affection
What do you need to feel close? Talk with care.
Ask kindly.
Listen without judging
Even if you disagree, listen fully. Understanding comes first.
Listen.
Write down key agreements
Notes help memory and avoid misunderstanding later.
Write them.
Example: the list
Joe and Ana wrote twenty questions and answered them over three dinners. They said it made them closer.
Make a list.
Example: the children talk
When they discovered they wanted different numbers of children, they talked and found a compromise with kindness.
Talk it through.
Example: the notes
They wrote a one-page summary of agreements and kept it. It helped in hard times.
Write a summary.
Script: starting
Would you like to explore some big questions together, over dinner? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: asking about money
How would you like us to handle money as a married couple? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: asking about children
What are your hopes about children? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: thanking
Thank you for answering so honestly. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: avoiding hard questions to keep things pleasant
Avoidance stores up problems, so ask kindly now.
Ask now.
Mistake: assuming love will fix big value differences
Love matters, but differences in core values need honest planning, so talk them through.
Plan together.
Mistake: interrogating your partner in one long session
Spread questions across several calm talks to avoid overwhelm and defence.
Spread them out.
Troubleshoot: when answers clash on a core issue
Take time, explore flexibility and consider a counsellor or mentor to guide the talk. Decide honestly.
Seek help.
Troubleshoot: when your partner avoids the questions
Share why it matters to you, offer smaller topics first and revisit later. Patience helps.
Be patient.
Troubleshoot: when you feel afraid of the answers
Fear is normal. Honest answers are better than hidden doubts.
Be brave.
Book idea: the questions that matter
Marriage educators suggest discussing children, money, faith, work, family and conflict before marriage, because these topics cause most later surprises.
Make a topic list.
Book idea: premarital counselling helps
Research on premarital education finds that couples who talk through big questions with a trained guide report stronger communication and satisfaction.
Look up one programme.
Myth: if you are in love, you already know the answers
Love is a good start, but values and plans still differ, and asking big questions now protects the love you share.
Ask anyway.
Myth: asking hard questions ruins the romance
Hard questions asked kindly show seriousness and respect, and they often deepen love instead of damaging it.
Be gentle and curious.
Story: Nadia and Sam talk about children
Nadia and Sam discovered that they pictured different family sizes, and talking early let them find a compromise with respect and love.
Ask about children.
Story: Femi asks about faith and family
Femi asked how his fiancée wanted to celebrate holidays and practise faith, and the conversation showed new ways to blend traditions.
Ask about traditions.
Journal: which big question scares me the most to ask?
Naming it shows where to start, and facing it with care is brave.
Write the question.
Journal: which values are non-negotiable for me in marriage?
Writing them helps you speak clearly and check for compatibility.
Write three.
Challenge: use a question list over three relaxed evenings
Spreading the questions out keeps talks calm and thoughtful.
Pick the first topic.
Challenge: write down answers separately first, then compare
Private reflection before sharing keeps answers honest.
Try it this week.
Green flag: you both answer honestly even when you disagree
Respectful honesty is the base of a strong marriage.
Say thank you.
Red flag: big differences on values are brushed off with we will figure it out
Ignoring big differences can lead to heartbreak, so look at them directly with kindness.
Name the difference.
Say this: I want to understand what you hope for, and share what I hope for
A warm phrase that invites two-way honesty.
Use it.
Quick win: read one chapter of a marriage-preparation book together
Reading side by side gives a safe way to start talks.
Pick a book.
Fun fact: couples who take premarital education report lower divorce risk
Studies suggest premarital programmes reduce later conflict and improve communication.
Share it.
Think about it: what would I regret not asking before marriage?
The answer is a good first question.
Write it down.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“How do you want to handle money?”
“What are your thoughts on children?”
“How do we handle conflict?”
“What are your faith and values?”
“Here is my honest answer.”
“Thank you for talking.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Money
Children
Home and work
Faith and values
Family
Conflict
Health and life goals
Further reading
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- And Baby Makes Three (John and Julie Gottman)
- Fair Play (Eve Rodsky)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Living Together, Marriage and Parenting”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Talk About Marriage EarlyNext: Plan a Wedding Without Stress →
- Know When You Are Ready to Move In
- Talk About Rules Before You Move In
- Share Space and Stuff Kindly
- Keep Some Space for Yourself
- Talk About Marriage Early
- Ask the Big Questions Before Marriage
- Plan a Wedding Without Stress
- Keep Love Alive After the Wedding
- Make Decisions Together
- Plan Money Goals as a Couple
- Keep Weekly Couple Meetings
- Protect Your Love From Daily Stress
- Prepare Your Relationship for a Baby
- Share Parenting Fairly
- Keep Time for Each Other With Kids
- Disagree About Parenting Calmly
- Keep Growing as Individuals
- Renew Your Vows Every Year
- Handle Midlife and Big Changes
- Build a Love That Lasts
