Know Your Triggers
Forty easy tips to know your triggers, so you stop reacting and start choosing.
Know your triggers. Pause and choose.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), The Dance of Anger (Harriet Lerner), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
What a trigger is
A trigger is a word, tone or event that sparks a strong reaction. It often connects to past hurts or fears.
Notice yours.
Notice your body signs
A hot face, tight chest or fast heart show that a trigger has been touched. Learn your signals.
List three.
Write your top three triggers
Common triggers are feeling ignored, criticised or controlled. Naming them reduces their power.
Write three.
Find the old story
Ask, when did I feel this before? Often the root is from childhood or an old relationship.
Write one memory.
Remind yourself it is a trigger
Say silently, this is my trigger, and not only about now. This creates distance between feeling and action.
Say it.
Share your triggers with your partner
Say, I get upset when I feel ignored, can we handle that kindly? Sharing builds understanding.
Share one.
Learn your partner’s triggers too
Ask what words or actions upset them. Knowing helps you care.
Ask kindly.
Make a calm response plan
Plan what you will do when triggered, such as breathe, take a pause or use a code word.
Write a plan.
Practise the pause
Count to ten, drink water or step outside. A short pause often prevents a long fight.
Practise.
Care for your basics
Sleep, food and rest lower reactivity. A tired body is easier to trigger.
Plan rest.
Heal over time
Therapy, journaling and kind relationships help old wounds soften. Be patient with yourself.
Consider support.
Example: the ignored feeling
Lina felt triggered when her partner looked at his phone. She said, I feel unseen, and he put it away.
Name it.
Example: the critical tone
Omar’s partner felt triggered by a sharp tone. Omar softened his voice and their talks improved.
Soften tone.
Example: the code word
Ava and Ben chose the word pineapple to pause fights. It made them laugh and calm down.
Choose a word.
Script: naming the trigger
I think this is one of my triggers, can we slow down? Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: sharing
When I feel ignored I get upset, and I would love your help. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: asking about theirs
What kinds of things upset you most? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: thanking
Thank you for being patient with me. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: blaming your partner for all your reactions
Your reactions are yours to manage, so take responsibility and ask for support.
Own it.
Mistake: poking your partner’s triggers on purpose
It hurts trust, so avoid it even when angry.
Be careful.
Mistake: hiding triggers from your partner
Hidden triggers cause surprises, so share gently.
Share them.
Troubleshoot: when you react before you notice
Review later and write what happened. Awareness grows after reflection.
Write after.
Troubleshoot: when your trigger is a deep wound
Consider a counsellor, because deeper healing may be needed. There is no shame in it.
Seek help.
Troubleshoot: when both of you are triggered
Use a break word, calm separately and return with a soft start.
Use the pause.
Drill: write your trigger map
Draw a simple map with trigger, feeling, old story and calm action.
Draw it.
Drill: use the pause once this week
Practise one pause during an irritating moment and note the result.
Try it.
Book idea: know your hot buttons
Harriet Lerner’s work on anger suggests tracking what sets you off, because triggers often link to old hurts and not just to the present moment.
List three triggers.
Book idea: the story you tell yourself
Crucial Conversations teaches that our feelings come from the story we add to the facts, so check the story before you react.
Separate facts from stories.
Myth: my partner makes me angry
Your partner may trigger feelings, but the strength of your reaction often has roots in your own history.
Ask where it comes from.
Myth: triggers mean you are broken
Everyone has triggers, and knowing them is a sign of self-awareness and strength.
Be kind to yourself.
Story: Lina and the tone of voice
Lina realised a certain tone reminded her of her strict father, and when she said so, her partner changed his tone.
Share a trigger gently.
Story: Dan and the phone
Dan felt furious when his partner looked at her phone, and found it echoed feeling ignored as a child.
Look for the echo.
Journal: what were my last three fights about, really?
Looking for the shared thread, such as feeling ignored, shows your main trigger.
Write the thread.
Journal: what does my body do before I snap?
Learning early signs like a hot face or clenched fists gives you time to pause.
List two signs.
Challenge: share one trigger with your partner
Telling them calmly, outside a fight, helps them avoid it and understand you.
Choose a calm moment.
Challenge: ask your partner for their top trigger
Learning theirs shows care and prevents accidental hurt.
Ask with curiosity.
Green flag: your partner avoids poking your trigger
Care in this small way shows love in action.
Say thank you.
Red flag: using their trigger on purpose
Aiming at a known sore spot is cruel and breaks trust, so stop and repair quickly.
Apologise if it happens.
Say this: that touched a sore spot for me
A calm sentence like this explains the intensity without blaming.
Use it when needed.
Quick win: give your trigger a nickname
A funny or gentle name, like the old alarm, makes it easier to notice and smile through it.
Name it today.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“I notice I feel tense.”
“This is a trigger for me.”
“I need a moment.”
“When this happens I feel this.”
“Could we handle it differently?”
“I am learning.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice your body signs
Write three triggers
Find the old story behind each
Share one with your partner
Plan a calm response
Practise the pause
Review weekly
Further reading
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
- The Dance of Anger (Harriet Lerner)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Handling Arguments Calmly”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Find the Real Need Behind the FightNext: Spot the Fight Cycle →
- Arguments Are Normal
- Find the Real Need Behind the Fight
- Know Your Triggers
- Spot the Fight Cycle
- Stop and Breathe Before You Speak
- Take a Kind Time-Out
- Lower Your Voice on Purpose
- Never Argue When Tired or Hungry
- No Name-Calling or Insults
- Stay on One Topic
- Do Not Bring Up the Past
- Avoid Always and Never
- Say Sorry and Mean It
- Take Your Share of the Blame
- Find a Middle Path Together
- Make Up Warmly
- Handle a Partner Who Shuts Down
- Handle a Partner Who Shouts
- Stop the Silent Treatment
- When to Ask a Counsellor for Help
