Make Up Warmly
Forty easy tips to make up warmly, so every fight ends with closeness.
End with love. Make up with care.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), The Dance of Anger (Harriet Lerner), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why making up matters
A warm ending turns a fight into a lesson. It reminds both of you that love is bigger than the problem.
Plan it.
Wait until you are both calm
Do not rush to make up while still angry. A short rest can make it genuine.
Calm first.
Say thank you for working it out
Gratitude shows that you value the effort. A simple thank you warms the air.
Say it.
Offer a hug or a hand
A gentle touch can say more than words. Ask if they would like one.
Ask kindly.
Say I love you
After a fight, hearing I love you is deeply reassuring. Say it gently.
Say it.
Share what you learned
Name one thing you learned about each other. Learning makes fights useful.
Share one.
Laugh together
When it feels safe, a gentle joke can release tension. Never laugh at them.
Find a smile.
Do something kind
Make tea, run a bath or write a note. Small acts rebuild the bridge.
Do one.
Plan a small treat
Share a favourite meal or a walk. Positive moments heal.
Plan one.
Do not reopen the fight afterwards
Let the issue rest if it has been solved. Reopening reduces trust.
Close it.
Have a ritual
Choose a make-up ritual, such as a hug and a cup of tea. Rituals give comfort.
Choose one.
Example: the tea ritual
Mina and Rob always end tough talks with tea on the sofa. It signals peace.
Try tea.
Example: the note
After a fight, Tia left a note saying, I am sorry and I love you. Her partner kept it for years.
Write a note.
Example: the lesson
After making up, Sam and Dee wrote one lesson each on a card. They read the cards months later.
Write lessons.
Script: thanks
Thank you for talking this through with me. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: love
I love you, and I am glad we worked it out. Say it softly.
Use it.
Script: asking
Would you like a hug? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: planning
Shall we do something nice together this evening? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Mistake: making up with gifts but no talk
Gifts without talk can feel like cover-ups, so talk first.
Talk first.
Mistake: pretending nothing happened
Unspoken pain returns, so name the repair.
Name it.
Mistake: bringing the fight back later as a weapon
It destroys safety, so let it go.
Let go.
Troubleshoot: when one person is not ready
Respect their pace and say, I am here when you are ready. Give space.
Wait kindly.
Troubleshoot: when you do not feel like touching
Offer words, a kind note or a smile instead. Warmth has many forms.
Use words.
Troubleshoot: when the problem still is not solved
Make a plan to return to it, and still show love now. Both matter.
Plan a return.
Drill: create your make-up ritual
Choose three steps for ending fights, such as thanks, a hug and tea.
Write three.
Drill: write a note you could leave
Write a short, loving note for after a fight and keep it handy.
Write one.
Book idea: repair attempts
Gottman found that partners who make and accept small repair moves, like humour or an apology, stay together far longer.
Offer a repair.
Book idea: reconnect after conflict
Sue Johnson teaches that repairing means moving from distance to closeness with comfort, touch or kind words.
Reach out.
Myth: making up means pretending nothing happened
Real making up includes naming what happened, learning and then warmth.
Be honest and warm.
Myth: you must make up immediately
A short pause is fine, but do not let it drag for days.
Return within a day.
Story: Dina brings tea
Dina brought her husband tea and said I want to start again, and he smiled and said me too.
Try a small gesture.
Story: Femi sends a note
Femi left a short note saying I love you and I am sorry, and the day felt lighter.
Write one.
Journal: what helps me feel close again after a fight?
Knowing your needs, such as a hug or time, helps you ask.
Write three.
Challenge: create a make-up ritual
A shared ritual, such as tea together, closes fights warmly.
Choose one.
Red flag: refusing every repair
If every attempt is rejected, a calm talk about repair is needed.
Raise it gently.
Quick win: touch their hand or shoulder
A gentle touch can say sorry without words.
Try it.
Fun fact: laughter helps repair
Studies show shared humour after conflict speeds recovery.
Share it.
Mini habit: say I love you after every disagreement
It reminds you both of the bigger picture.
Start today.
Green flag: they accept your attempt to repair with warmth
Responding kindly to a small peace offering shows trust and a wish to keep the relationship strong.
Say thank you.
Challenge: finish every fight with one lesson each
Sharing what you learned turns a painful moment into growth and leaves both of you feeling closer.
Do it tonight.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“Can I hug you?”
“Thank you for working this out.”
“I love you.”
“Let us do something nice.”
“Let us remember this lesson.”
“We are okay.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Say thank you
Offer a hug
Say I love you
Do something kind
Share what you learned
Plan a treat
Move on
Further reading
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
- The Dance of Anger (Harriet Lerner)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Handling Arguments Calmly”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Find a Middle Path TogetherNext: Handle a Partner Who Shuts Down →
- Arguments Are Normal
- Find the Real Need Behind the Fight
- Know Your Triggers
- Spot the Fight Cycle
- Stop and Breathe Before You Speak
- Take a Kind Time-Out
- Lower Your Voice on Purpose
- Never Argue When Tired or Hungry
- No Name-Calling or Insults
- Stay on One Topic
- Do Not Bring Up the Past
- Avoid Always and Never
- Say Sorry and Mean It
- Take Your Share of the Blame
- Find a Middle Path Together
- Make Up Warmly
- Handle a Partner Who Shuts Down
- Handle a Partner Who Shouts
- Stop the Silent Treatment
- When to Ask a Counsellor for Help
