What Your Body Says Before You Speak
Twenty small body habits that say friendly things before you speak, from how you walk in to how you sit and stand.
Relax, lift, soften. Your body can say hello before your voice does.
20 tips that really help
These ideas come from Supercommunicators (Charles Duhigg), How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Your body speaks first
Before you say a word, people have already read your body. Your walk, your posture and your face all send messages. They tell the other person if you are open, tired, nervous or happy.
Today, notice your posture each time you start a chat. Relax your shoulders, lift your chin a little and soften your face. Check in again halfway through.
Walk in like a friendly person
The way you enter a room sets the first impression. A steady, easy walk with your head up says, I am comfortable here. You do not have to be tall or loud. Just walk calmly.
Practise your walk-in at home. Stop at the door, breathe, lift your head and step in slowly. Try it at your next event.
Soften your resting face
Many people look serious or cross when they are just thinking. This is sometimes called a resting face. You can soften yours by relaxing your jaw and lifting the corners of your mouth a little. A gentle, open face invites people in.
Check your face in a mirror when you are not talking. Practise relaxing your forehead and jaw. Add a tiny smile in moments of waiting.
Approach at an angle
When you walk up to someone, try to come from the side, not straight on. A slight angle feels softer and less like a challenge. Stand at a gentle angle, as if you were two friends looking at the same view.
Notice how you stand in your next three chats. Try a small angle instead of straight on. Notice if it feels easier.
Respect the space between you
Everyone has an invisible bubble of personal space. Stand too close, and people feel crowded. Too far, and they feel distant. For most chats, about an arm’s length is comfortable. Watch for signs to adjust.
Notice the space between you and others today. Watch for small steps back or forward. Adjust gently.
Open hands, open mind
Showing your hands openly, with relaxed palms, can feel welcoming. It suggests honesty and ease. Avoid hiding them in pockets or crossing your arms tight. Let them move naturally as you talk.
Notice where your hands are during your next talk. Keep them visible, relaxed and moving a little as you speak. Practise in front of a mirror.
Hold your drink or phone lightly
At events, many people grip a drink or phone tightly like a shield. Hold yours lightly, at waist level, with one hand. That leaves you free to shake hands and use gestures. It also looks more relaxed.
At your next event, keep your phone away. Hold your drink in one hand only. Check that your free hand is relaxed.
The friendly stance
Stand with your feet about shoulder width apart and your weight even. It feels steady and calm. Avoid leaning heavily on one leg or shifting from foot to foot. Let your arms hang loose.
Practise your stance while you wait in line. Feel both feet on the floor. Breathe slowly.
Nod and tilt to show you are listening
A small nod and a slight tilt of the head show that you are listening. They say, I hear you, please go on. Use them gently and naturally. Too many nods can look odd, so let them match the talk.
In your next chat, let your head show your interest. Nod slowly at key points. Avoid nodding without hearing.
The eyebrow flash
When you greet someone you like, your eyebrows lift quickly for a moment. It is called the eyebrow flash. You can do it on purpose with a hello, and it feels warm. It is subtle and friendly.
Practise a gentle eyebrow lift with a smile in a mirror. Use it when you greet someone today. Keep it light and quick.
Match their posture softly
When people get on well, they often copy each other’s posture without noticing. You can do this softly on purpose. If they lean in, you lean in a little. If they relax, you relax. Do it slowly and lightly.
In your next chat, match one small thing, like the pace of speaking or a relaxed posture. Do it softly. Stop if it feels forced.
Read comfort and discomfort
Bodies show when we are at ease or uneasy. A relaxed face and open posture suggest comfort. Tight lips and crossed arms may suggest discomfort. Look at the whole picture, not a single sign. Then adjust kindly.
Practise noticing one change in a person’s body in your next chat. Ask yourself what it might mean, and respond gently. Do not jump to big conclusions.
Follow the feet clue
Feet often show where a person wants to go. If someone’s feet point toward you, they are likely engaged. If they point toward the door, they may want to leave. It is a gentle clue, not a rule.
In your next chat, glance at where the other person’s feet point. Do it quickly. Use it to guide when you end the talk.
Calm hands and face on video
On a video call, small movements look big. Keep your hands calm, your face relaxed and your eyes near the camera. Sit up straight and keep your head level. A steady frame makes you look confident.
Before your next video call, check your camera height, light and sitting position. Keep your hands still or resting. Smile when you greet others.
Sit to connect
The way you sit can make a conversation easier. Sitting side by side or at a slight angle is often more relaxed than face to face. Lean a little toward the person and keep your body open.
For your next deep talk, choose a seat at a slight angle or side by side. Notice if it feels easier.
Let your body and words tell one story
When your words say yes but your body says no, people trust the body. Make them match. If you say, I am happy to help, let your face and posture show it. Agreement builds trust.
Before an important chat, ask yourself what you really feel, and let your face show it. Say the words slowly. Notice the match.
Dress to feel like yourself
The clothes you wear change how you feel and stand. Choose clothes that are neat, comfortable and feel like you. When you feel good, your body relaxes. A confident body speaks well.
Pick one outfit that makes you feel good. Wear it to your next event. Notice how you stand and move.
Breathe low and drop your shoulders
Nerves lift our shoulders and tighten our breath. A slow breath from the belly and a shoulder drop can change your whole look. Do it quietly before you speak. You will feel steadier.
Take three slow breaths before your next chat. On each out-breath, drop your shoulders. Do it in the lift or the corridor.
Know that gestures change across cultures
Body language means different things in different cultures. Eye contact, personal space, touch and gestures can all vary. Be curious and respectful, and watch how others act. When in doubt, follow their lead.
Pick one culture that you often meet and learn two things about greeting or personal space. Use them kindly. Ask people about their customs.
Change one habit at a time
Body language is a set of habits. Do not try to change all of them. Choose one at a time. Maybe it is dropping your shoulders, lifting your head or relaxing your hands. Practise until it feels natural.
Choose one body habit to practise for a week. Put a reminder on your phone. Tick each day you practise.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday conversations.
“Good morning, it is good to see you.”
“Hi, I am glad you came.”
“Is this a good spot to chat?”
“Are you short on time?”
“It was lovely to talk with you.”
“I would love to hear your view.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Walk in with relaxed shoulders
Soften your resting face
Approach at a gentle angle
Keep your hands visible and calm
Try the eyebrow flash with a smile
Match posture softly in one chat
Pick one body habit for the week
Further reading
- Supercommunicators (Charles Duhigg)
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Communication”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
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