Questions That Make People Open Up
Twenty kind, curious questions that help people share real stories, so your talks feel warm and your friends feel heard.
Ask, then wait. Real curiosity is something people can feel.
20 tips that really help
These ideas come from Supercommunicators (Charles Duhigg), How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Questions make people like you
Here is a surprising fact. People tend to like you more when you ask them questions, especially when you ask follow-up questions. It is not a trick. It shows that you care about what they say.
In your next chat, ask at least three questions that grow out of what they just said. Notice how the mood changes.
The follow-up is the secret
The first question starts the chat, but the follow-up makes it deep. A follow-up picks up something they just said and asks about it. If they say, I just got back from Japan, you ask, What was the best moment?
Make a habit of asking one follow-up before you change the topic. Use words from their sentence. Count how many you ask today.
Ask for the film, not the snapshot
A fact question gets a short answer. A story question gets a story. Instead of, Where do you work? try, How did you end up in this job? Stories show people’s lives and feelings. They are also much more fun to hear.
Turn three fact questions into story questions. For example, change, What is your job? into, How did you get into that? Use one today.
Use what and how, not why
Questions starting with what and how feel gentle. Questions starting with why can feel like a challenge. Compare, Why did you do that? with, What led you to that choice? The second invites, the first can defend.
Take three why questions you often use, and rewrite them with what or how. Practise saying them. Use one today.
Ask gently about feelings
When someone shares something that matters to them, you can ask how it felt. How was that for you? Feelings questions turn a chat into a connection. Ask softly, and accept whatever they offer.
Next time someone shares news, ask one feelings question, such as, How did that feel? or, What was that like for you? Listen without fixing.
What got you started?
Here is a question that works almost everywhere. What got you started in that? It works for jobs, hobbies, habits and projects. Everyone has an origin story. It invites them to look back with a smile.
Use this question with three people this week. Listen for the first spark in their story. Ask one follow-up.
Go deeper than small talk
Many of us think that people prefer light small talk. In truth, people often enjoy deeper topics more than we expect. A little depth can make a conversation memorable. You can go deeper in small, safe steps.
Choose one slightly deeper question for your next chat, such as, What are you looking forward to this month? Keep your tone soft.
Borrow a fast-friends question
There are famous sets of questions designed to build closeness. You can borrow the lighter ones for everyday use. For example, What is something you are looking forward to? or, What is a small thing that makes your day better?
Choose two light questions from the type of the ones above. Write them on your phone. Use one this week.
Ask what they are proud of
A kind question is, What are you most proud of lately? It invites people to share good things. Most people rarely get a chance to say it. It leaves them feeling warm.
Ask one person this week, What are you proud of lately? Listen with a big smile. Share something you are proud of too.
Ask for their advice
Asking for advice flatters people in a real way. It says, I respect your experience. Pick something small and genuine, like, How would you handle a first day in a new job? Then thank them warmly.
Think of one small area where you could ask someone for advice. Ask this week. Tell them later how it helped.
The high and the low of the week
Here is a simple pair of questions. What was the best part of your week, and what was the hardest? They give a balanced picture of life. They also let people share joys and worries.
Use this pair of questions with a friend or family member this week. Listen to both parts. Offer your own answer too.
Ask about hopes
Questions about the future are full of energy. What are you looking forward to? What would you love to try next year? They bring out dreams and plans. People often brighten when they talk about hopes.
Ask two people about something they are looking forward to. Notice how their face changes. Share one of your own hopes.
Ask permission before going deep
Sometimes a question may touch something sensitive. You can ask gently, Is it okay if I ask about that? It gives them control and shows respect. Most people say yes, and feel safe.
Practise two permission phrases, such as, Would you like to talk about it? and, May I ask you something personal? Use one when a topic feels tender.
Pause after the question
After you ask, wait. Give the other person time to think. A few seconds of quiet can bring a much better answer. Do not rush to fill the gap or to ask another question. Let the question land.
Practise counting to three silently after you ask a question. Keep a gentle smile. Do it in your next three chats.
Do not interrogate, share too
Too many questions in a row can feel like an interrogation. Mix them with small bits of your own story. After they answer, add a sentence about yourself, and then ask again. It keeps the balance warm.
For each question this week, add one small piece of yourself. Keep it short. Watch the balance.
Ask about the people in their world
People love talking about the people in their lives. Ask about family, friends, pets or the team they work with. How is your sister doing? How is your dog adjusting? It shows care and gives you warm topics.
Pick one person who has mentioned someone dear to them. Ask how that person is doing. Listen for the good news.
Say teach me about it
When someone knows a lot about something, ask them to teach you. What would a beginner need to know about sailing? People love to share their expertise. It also makes you a keen learner.
Find someone with a special skill. Ask them to explain the basics in a few minutes. Thank them for sharing.
Pick up on feeling words
Listen for emotion words, like stressed, thrilled, nervous or proud. When you hear one, you can reflect it gently. You sound really excited about that. What was the best part? It shows you hear more than words.
Listen for one feeling word in your next chat. Reflect it back softly, as a question. Notice what happens.
Let a good question breathe
After a thoughtful answer, you do not need to rush on. Say, Thank you for telling me that, and stay with it for a moment. Let the answer sink in. It shows respect.
Practise responding to a deep answer with one kind sentence and a pause. Avoid jumping straight to another question.
Thank people for sharing
End a meaningful chat by saying thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed hearing about your journey. It tells them that their words mattered. It also makes them want to talk with you again.
After your next meaningful chat, say thank you for sharing and mention one thing you enjoyed. Keep it sincere.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday conversations.
“What was the best part of that?”
“What got you started in that?”
“What are you proud of lately?”
“What are you looking forward to this month?”
“How would you handle that?”
“Thank you for telling me that.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Ask three follow-up questions
Turn a fact question into a story question
Try what and how instead of why
Ask what got them started
Ask the high and low of the week
Wait three seconds after a question
Thank someone for sharing
Further reading
- Supercommunicators (Charles Duhigg)
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
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