Be the Person Everyone Wants to Talk To
Twenty warm habits that make people light up when you arrive, from real listening to celebrating their good news.
Be interested. Being interested is the quickest way to be interesting.
20 tips that really help
These ideas come from Supercommunicators (Charles Duhigg), How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie), The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Make the other person the star
The people we love to talk to are the ones who make us feel interesting. They ask, they listen and they care about our answers. You do not need to be the funniest or the cleverest.
In your next chat, aim for a ratio of listening to talking of about two to one. Notice how the other person responds.
Be warm before you are impressive
People first decide whether you are friendly, and then whether you are capable. Warmth comes first. A warm smile and kind words open more doors than an impressive list of achievements. Lead with kindness.
Before your next meeting, decide to show warmth first. Smile, ask how the person is, and listen. Share your achievements only if asked.
Remember what they told you
People feel special when you remember their details. Their dog’s name, their sister’s wedding or their new job. You can use notes on your phone to help. A remembered detail is a quiet gift.
After each new chat, write one detail in your phone. Read it before you meet them again. Use it as your first question.
Listen to understand, not to answer
Many of us listen while planning our reply. We wait for our turn. A better way is to listen to understand what they really mean. Let their words land before you think about yours. Even a short pause makes a difference.
In your next chat, hold back your reply for two seconds after they finish. Then reflect what you heard. Ask a question before you give an opinion.
Loop to check you understood
Looping is a simple skill. Ask a question, repeat back what you heard in your own words, and check that you got it right. For example, So it sounds like the move was stressful, but you are glad you did it.
Try one loop in your next serious chat. Keep it short and kind. Wait for their yes.
Match the kind of conversation
Not all conversations are the same. Some are practical, like planning a trip. Some are emotional, like sharing a worry. Some are social, like joking about weekend plans. Notice which kind it is, and match it. Mismatches cause frustration.
In your next few chats, ask yourself, Is this practical, emotional or social? Match your reply to it. Notice the difference.
Reflect the feeling
When someone tells you something emotional, name the feeling in a gentle way. That sounds frustrating. You must be so relieved. It shows that you understand the heart of their story. You do not need to fix anything.
Practise naming a feeling in a simple phrase, such as, That sounds hard, or, You must be proud. Use one in your next serious chat.
Do not one-up
When someone shares a story, resist the urge to top it. If they had a tough week, do not say, You think that is bad? Listen to mine. Let their story have its moment. Support is more helpful than competition.
Catch yourself when you want to top a story. Say, Tell me more, instead. Share your own story only if it supports theirs.
Make your attention a gift
Put the phone away, face the person and listen. Your full attention is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Even a short, undivided conversation can feel precious. People notice the difference.
For one conversation today, put your phone out of sight. Give your friend your whole attention. Notice how it feels.
Say what you appreciate
A sincere thank you or a kind word can make someone’s day. I really appreciate how you helped me. Be specific so that it feels real. Say it out loud, not just in your head.
Today, tell one person something specific that you appreciate about them. Write it down if you prefer to send a message.
Speak well of others
Say kind things about people who are not in the room. It makes everyone trust you. People assume that you speak of them the same way. Gossip may feel fun, but it leaves a bad taste.
This week, say one kind thing about someone to a third person. Make it true and specific. Avoid complaining about absent people.
Celebrate their good news
How you respond to good news matters even more than how you respond to bad news. Show real excitement when someone shares a win. Ask questions and enjoy the moment with them. A lively response builds closeness.
The next time someone shares good news, respond with excitement and ask two questions. Smile, and enjoy it with them.
Give credit generously
Share praise freely. When something goes well, mention who helped. It costs nothing, and it makes people glad to work with you. Generous people are loved.
Next time something goes well, name two people who helped, and say how. Do it in public if possible.
Disagree kindly
You can disagree and still be warm. Start with something you agree with, then say your view gently. I see your point about the budget. I wonder if we could also look at another option. It keeps the connection safe.
Practise a kind disagreement phrase, like, I see it a little differently. Can I share how? Use it once this week.
Offer help without being asked
Small acts of help show that you care. Hold a door, share a tip or offer a hand with a task. Offer lightly, and accept a no with grace. A kind offer makes you a person people like to be near.
Look for one small way to help someone today. Offer clearly and kindly. Do not expect anything back.
Bring calm energy
Your mood spreads. If you arrive calm and friendly, others tend to relax around you. You can take a breath before you enter a room to set your tone. Be the quiet thermostat of the room.
Before your next meeting, take three slow breaths and set an intention, such as, I will be calm and kind. Notice the effect.
Learn from people who disagree
People who see things differently can teach you something. Ask about their view with real interest. How did you come to see it that way? You do not have to agree to be curious.
Choose one person with a different view. Ask how they came to it, and listen without arguing. Say thank you at the end.
Be a safe place for secrets
When someone tells you something private, keep it private. Trust is the base of every friendship. If you are unsure, ask, Is this something I can share? Reliability makes you precious.
Decide that you will not repeat private things. If you are unsure, ask permission first. Think before you share any story about others.
Be consistent
People like those who are steady. If you are kind on Monday and cold on Tuesday, they feel unsure. Aim to be reliably warm and honest. Consistency builds trust.
Choose one small habit that shows kindness, like a friendly greeting or a thank you. Do it daily for two weeks. Track it.
Leave people feeling better
At the end of a chat, ask yourself, How might this person feel after talking with me? Aim for lighter, understood and valued. That feeling is what they remember. It is the secret of being easy to talk to.
At the end of each chat today, add one warm sentence. For example, I enjoyed this, or, Thank you for your time. Notice the response.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday conversations.
“Thank you for helping me with that. It made a real difference.”
“So it sounds like the move was stressful, but you are glad. Is that right?”
“That sounds really hard.”
“That is fantastic! Tell me everything.”
“We could not have done it without Maria’s research.”
“I see it a little differently. Can I share how?”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Make the other person the star
Remember one detail and use it
Loop once to check you understood
Reflect one feeling
Celebrate someone’s good news
Give credit out loud
Leave someone feeling better
Further reading
- Supercommunicators (Charles Duhigg)
- How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie)
- The Fine Art of Small Talk (Debra Fine)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Communication”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
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