When to Walk Away and Seek Help
Forty easy tips on when to walk away and seek help, so you protect your safety and your heart.
You deserve safety. Leaving can be brave.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The State of Affairs (Esther Perel), Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Your safety comes first
If you are physically or emotionally harmed, your safety is more important than keeping the relationship. You are not to blame.
Put safety first.
Know clear warning signs
Violence, threats, stalking, severe control or constant humiliation are serious signs. Do not ignore them.
Learn them.
Do not wait for a perfect moment
Waiting can put you at risk. Start by reaching out to someone you trust.
Reach out.
Talk to a trusted person
A friend, family member, doctor or counsellor can help you plan. You do not need to be alone.
Tell someone.
Contact a helpline
Domestic abuse helplines offer free, private advice and can help you plan. Search for your local number.
Save a number.
Make a safety plan
Plan where you can go, who can help and how you will leave. Keep it private.
Make a plan.
Keep important items ready
Keep documents, a spare key, money and a charged phone in a safe place or with a trusted friend.
Gather items.
Choose a safe place to go
Think of a friend, family member or shelter. Write down addresses and numbers.
Choose a place.
Tell trusted people your plan
Let one or two people know so they can help if needed. Share only with those you trust.
Tell one.
Call emergency services if in danger
If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. Do not wait.
Call for help.
Care for yourself after leaving
Seek counselling, support groups and rest. Healing takes time and help.
Seek support.
Example: the quiet plan
Rosa saved the number of a helpline in her phone under a friend’s name and made a plan with a friend. When she needed it, she was ready.
Make a plan.
Example: the trusted friend
Chen told his sister what was happening, and she helped him find a safe place to stay. He felt relief.
Tell a friend.
Example: the next step
After years, Tara reached a support service. They helped her plan her steps and find housing.
Call for support.
Script: telling a friend
I do not feel safe at home, and I need your help. Say it clearly.
Use it.
Script: calling a helpline
I am worried about my safety and I would like advice. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: leaving
I am going to stay somewhere else for a while. Say it firmly.
Use it.
Script: to yourself
I deserve to be safe and respected. Say it softly.
Use it.
Mistake: waiting for them to change
Change cannot be guaranteed, so protect yourself now.
Protect yourself.
Mistake: telling the abuser your plan
It can increase danger, so keep your plan private.
Keep it private.
Mistake: blaming yourself
Abuse is never your fault, so be kind to yourself.
Be gentle.
Troubleshoot: when you have children
Keep their safety central and ask professionals for guidance. Helplines can advise on children and leaving.
Seek advice.
Troubleshoot: when you have no money
Many services help with housing and money. Ask a helpline about options.
Ask a helpline.
Troubleshoot: when you are afraid of leaving
Fear is normal. Support workers can help with planning and safety.
Talk to support.
Drill: save a helpline number safely
Store a local helpline number in a safe way, such as under a different name.
Save it.
Drill: write your own safety plan
List a safe place, two contacts and key items. Keep it hidden.
Write it.
Book idea: safety first
Domestic safety organisations stress that leaving a harmful relationship needs a plan, and the most dangerous time can be around leaving.
Plan before you go.
Book idea: listen to the pattern
Experts on healthy love say a pattern of disrespect, fear or control matters more than any single event.
Look at the whole picture.
Myth: love can fix an unsafe partner
Love does not change harmful behaviour, and only their own steady work with help can.
Protect yourself first.
Myth: leaving means failure
Leaving a harmful relationship is an act of self-respect and courage.
Honour your safety.
Story: Bella makes a plan
Bella quietly contacted a helpline, packed a bag, told one friend and left safely when she felt ready.
Make a plan.
Story: Leo reaches out
Leo told his sister about the fear he felt at home, and she helped him find support and a safe place.
Tell someone.
Journal: what would I tell a friend in my situation?
Your answer often shows what your heart already knows.
Write the advice.
Journal: what do I need to feel safe?
Listing needs, such as a place to stay or money, guides your plan.
Write the list.
Green flag: you feel safe to say no in your relationship
Safety to refuse is the base of healthy love.
Value it.
Red flag: you are afraid of your partner’s reaction
Fear of someone you love is a serious sign to seek help.
Contact a support service.
Say this: I need to keep myself safe
A clear sentence to yourself or to a helper keeps you focused.
Say it aloud.
Quick win: keep important documents in a safe place
Having them ready helps if you need to act.
Gather them quietly.
Fun fact: support services are free and confidential
Many national helplines offer free, private advice at any hour.
Share it.
Mini habit: check in with your own feelings daily
Listening to yourself helps you notice problems early.
Write one line.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“I need to feel safe.”
“I have a plan.”
“I will ask for help.”
“I choose to leave.”
“I will take care of myself.”
“I deserve respect.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Know the warning signs
Talk to someone you trust
Call a helpline
Make a safety plan
Pack a bag
Choose a safe place
Take the next step
Further reading
- The State of Affairs (Esther Perel)
- Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson)
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Trust, Honesty and Jealousy”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Signs of GaslightingNext: Build a Safe Support Circle →
- Keep Small Promises
- Be Honest Even When It Is Hard
- Be Reliable and On Time
- Share Your Day and Plans
- Understand Why You Feel Jealous
- Talk About Jealousy Without Blame
- Stop Checking Phones and Social Media
- Build Your Own Confidence
- Say Hard Truths Gently
- Own Your Mistakes Quickly
- Never Lie to Avoid a Fight
- Share Money and Time Honestly
- Rebuild Trust After a Lie
- How to Apologise Properly
- How to Forgive Without Forgetting
- Be Patient While Trust Returns
- Signs of Controlling Behaviour
- Signs of Gaslighting
- When to Walk Away and Seek Help
- Build a Safe Support Circle
