Signs of Controlling Behaviour
Forty easy tips to spot controlling behaviour, so you know when care has turned into control.
Love gives freedom. Notice the signs.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The State of Affairs (Esther Perel), Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Control is not love
Healthy love respects your choices. When a partner tries to limit your friends, money or movements, it may be control.
Learn the signs.
Notice how you feel
If you often feel afraid, guilty or walking on eggshells, take it seriously. Your feelings are information.
Name your feeling.
Watch for isolation
A controlling partner may criticise friends and family or make you feel guilty for seeing them. Isolation increases control.
Check your circle.
Watch for constant monitoring
Checking your phone, location or messages without agreement is control, not care.
Note it.
Watch for money control
Not allowing access to money, spending decisions or work is a form of control.
Note it.
Watch for jealousy that limits you
Extreme jealousy that restricts your choices is a warning sign.
Note it.
Watch for rules and punishments
If you must follow rules or face anger or silence, that is control.
Note it.
Watch for blame and put-downs
Constant criticism and blame lower your confidence and keep you stuck.
Note it.
Notice your confidence
Do you feel smaller, more afraid or less sure of yourself? Control often shrinks people.
Reflect.
Compare with healthy signs
Healthy relationships feel safe, fair and respectful most of the time. Use the healthy signs list.
Compare.
Talk to someone you trust
A friend, family member or counsellor can give an outside view. You deserve support.
Reach out.
Example: the missing friends
Mia noticed she had not seen friends for months. She realised her partner discouraged it and talked to a counsellor.
Check your circle.
Example: the phone checks
Leo’s partner demanded passwords and checked his messages daily. Leo set a boundary and sought advice.
Name it.
Example: the money
Kay’s partner controlled all spending and gave her an allowance. She recognised it and found a support service.
Seek support.
Script: naming
I feel afraid to say no, and that does not feel like respect. Say it quietly.
Use it.
Script: asking a friend
Can I talk to you about something in my relationship? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: setting a limit
I will keep seeing my friends, it is important to me. Say it firmly.
Use it.
Script: to yourself
I deserve respect and freedom in love. Say it gently.
Use it.
Mistake: excusing it as love
Control is not caring, so look at the pattern.
See it clearly.
Mistake: thinking it will stop on its own
Control often grows, so take it seriously.
Act early.
Mistake: keeping it secret out of shame
Shame keeps people stuck, so reach out.
Tell someone.
Troubleshoot: when you are unsure if it is control
Write down events and your feelings for a few weeks and talk to a counsellor or helpline.
Keep notes safely.
Troubleshoot: when your partner says you are overreacting
Trust your feelings, seek outside views and keep your own notes. Confusion is a sign.
Seek views.
Troubleshoot: when you feel unsafe
Call local emergency services or a domestic abuse helpline. Make a safety plan with their help.
Get help now.
Drill: list five healthy behaviours you deserve
Write five things, such as freedom to see friends, and compare with your relationship.
Write five.
Drill: share one concern with a trusted person
Choose one person and share one thing that worries you.
Do it.
Book idea: control hides in plain sight
Experts on unhealthy relationships note that control often begins as care, like checking in too much or choosing your friends.
Watch for patterns.
Book idea: love without ownership
Erich Fromm writes that real love respects freedom, while possession is only fear dressed as love.
Ask who is free.
Myth: jealous control shows how much they love you
Control shows insecurity and a wish for power, and it often grows worse over time.
Know the difference.
Myth: it is only control if there is violence
Emotional and social control, such as limiting friends or money, also harms and deserves attention.
Take it seriously.
Story: Maya notices the pattern
Maya realised her partner always chose her clothes and her plans, and when she told a friend, she saw it was control.
Talk to a friend.
Story: Tariq sets a limit
Tariq told his partner I need to see my friends, and when she respected it, he knew the relationship was healthy.
Test a boundary.
Journal: what decisions do I no longer make for myself?
Listing them reveals if your freedom has been shrinking.
Write them.
Journal: how do I feel before I tell my partner my plans?
Fear or dread can be an important signal, so write it down.
Write the feeling.
Challenge: list five things you used to enjoy and check if you still do
Losing hobbies or friends can be a sign of control.
Write the list.
Challenge: talk to one trusted person about your relationship
An outside view helps you see patterns clearly.
Choose a friend.
Green flag: your partner supports your friends and goals
Support for your wider life is a hallmark of healthy love.
Say thank you.
Red flag: they track you, restrict money or isolate you
These are serious signs of control, so seek help and make a safety plan.
Contact support.
Say this: I need to make this choice myself
A clear sentence of independence helps test how your partner responds.
Use it calmly.
Quick win: write down what you notice without judging
A private note can show patterns over time.
Start one.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“I notice I am afraid to say no.”
“This feels like control.”
“Is this fair?”
“I will tell a trusted friend.”
“I will make a safety plan.”
“I deserve respect.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice how you feel
List the behaviours
Compare with healthy signs
Talk to a trusted friend
Keep notes safely
Make a safety plan
Seek help
Further reading
- The State of Affairs (Esther Perel)
- Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson)
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Trust, Honesty and Jealousy”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Be Patient While Trust ReturnsNext: Signs of Gaslighting →
- Keep Small Promises
- Be Honest Even When It Is Hard
- Be Reliable and On Time
- Share Your Day and Plans
- Understand Why You Feel Jealous
- Talk About Jealousy Without Blame
- Stop Checking Phones and Social Media
- Build Your Own Confidence
- Say Hard Truths Gently
- Own Your Mistakes Quickly
- Never Lie to Avoid a Fight
- Share Money and Time Honestly
- Rebuild Trust After a Lie
- How to Apologise Properly
- How to Forgive Without Forgetting
- Be Patient While Trust Returns
- Signs of Controlling Behaviour
- Signs of Gaslighting
- When to Walk Away and Seek Help
- Build a Safe Support Circle
