Signs of Gaslighting
Forty easy tips to recognise gaslighting, so you trust your own mind again.
Trust your own mind. Keep your own notes.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from The State of Affairs (Esther Perel), Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
What gaslighting is
It is when someone denies or twists facts so that you doubt your memory or feelings. Over time you may stop trusting yourself.
Learn the signs.
Notice frequent self-doubt
If you often think I must be wrong or I am too sensitive after talking with your partner, pause and notice.
Name it.
Listen for phrases that deny your reality
Phrases like that never happened or you are crazy can be warning signs when used often.
Note phrases.
Keep a private record
Write dates and events in a safe place. Notes help you trust your memory.
Write safely.
Check with a trusted friend
A friend can help you see clearly. Share what happened and ask what they think.
Share it.
Notice blame shifting
If every problem becomes your fault, take note. Fair relationships share responsibility.
Check fairness.
Notice contradictions
If words and actions often disagree, record it. Pattern matters.
Note patterns.
Trust your feelings
Your feelings are real data. Do not let anyone convince you they are not.
Honour them.
Set a boundary
Say, I know what I remember, and I will not argue about it. Leave the talk if needed.
Say it firmly.
Seek professional support
A counsellor can help you rebuild trust in yourself. Support is strong.
Seek support.
Care for your mind
Rest, hobbies and time with supportive people strengthen clarity. Look after yourself.
Plan self-care.
Example: the notebook
Dee kept a private notebook of events. When her partner denied things, she saw the pattern and felt less confused.
Write safely.
Example: the friend
Amir told a friend what was happening, and she said it sounded unfair. That helped him see clearly.
Tell a friend.
Example: the boundary
Hana said, I know what I remember, and I will not argue, and left the room. She felt calm.
Hold your boundary.
Script: stating
I know what I experienced, and I am not going to debate it. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: asking a friend
Can I tell you what happened and hear your view? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: leaving the talk
I am going to take a break, we can talk when we both respect each other’s experience. Say it firmly.
Use it.
Script: to yourself
My feelings and memories are valid. Say it softly.
Use it.
Mistake: believing you are always wrong
Constant doubt is a signal, so seek outside views.
Seek views.
Mistake: arguing for hours to prove facts
You may never win, so protect your peace.
Step away.
Mistake: keeping silent because nobody will believe you
Many people will believe you, so find the right ones.
Find support.
Troubleshoot: when you are not sure if it is gaslighting
Talk to a counsellor and compare your notes. Outside views help clarity.
Seek help.
Troubleshoot: when it happens in front of others
Stay calm and write it later. Check later with a friend.
Note later.
Troubleshoot: when you feel unsafe
Call a helpline or local services and make a safety plan.
Get help.
Drill: write three events in your private notes
Record date, event and feeling in a safe place.
Write three.
Drill: share one event with a friend
Tell a trusted friend one event and ask their view.
Share it.
Book idea: when reality is questioned
Psychologists describe gaslighting as repeatedly making someone doubt their memory and judgement, and it can slowly erode self-trust.
Learn the signs.
Book idea: trust your own record
Experts suggest keeping private notes of events to confirm what really happened when you feel confused.
Write dates and facts.
Myth: you are too sensitive
A person who gaslights may say this often, but your feelings are valid information and deserve respect.
Honour your feelings.
Myth: gaslighting is always deliberate
Sometimes it is a habit of denial, but the effect is the same and still needs to be addressed.
Focus on the effect.
Story: Chloe keeps a diary
Chloe wrote down what was said after each argument, and when her partner denied it, her notes gave her clarity.
Start a private diary.
Story: Marcus asks a friend
Marcus asked a trusted friend to listen to a recent conflict, and she confirmed what he already felt was wrong.
Ask an outside view.
Journal: when have I doubted my own memory in this relationship?
Naming those moments helps you see patterns and regain trust in yourself.
Write three moments.
Journal: what do I know to be true?
Writing facts you are sure of restores your inner footing.
List five facts.
Challenge: tell a trusted friend one example
Saying it aloud reduces confusion and invites support.
Choose someone safe.
Challenge: save messages or notes in a safe place
Keeping records helps you check reality if needed.
Use a private spot.
Red flag: they often say that never happened when it did
Repeated denial of clear events is a warning sign, so seek support.
Reach out to someone you trust.
Say this: I remember it this way, and I would like you to respect that
A calm statement of your memory protects your sense of self.
Use it.
Quick win: ground yourself by naming five things you can see
This brings you back to the present and calms confusion.
Try it now.
Fun fact: gaslighting is recognised as emotional abuse
Experts on abuse include persistent reality denial among harmful emotional behaviours.
Share it.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“I notice I doubt myself a lot.”
“Let me check my notes.”
“Does this feel fair?”
“I will talk to a friend.”
“I will seek support.”
“I trust myself.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Notice self-doubt
Write events down
Check with a friend
Learn the signs
Set a boundary
Seek support
Care for yourself
Further reading
- The State of Affairs (Esther Perel)
- Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson)
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Trust, Honesty and Jealousy”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Signs of Controlling BehaviourNext: When to Walk Away and Seek Help →
- Keep Small Promises
- Be Honest Even When It Is Hard
- Be Reliable and On Time
- Share Your Day and Plans
- Understand Why You Feel Jealous
- Talk About Jealousy Without Blame
- Stop Checking Phones and Social Media
- Build Your Own Confidence
- Say Hard Truths Gently
- Own Your Mistakes Quickly
- Never Lie to Avoid a Fight
- Share Money and Time Honestly
- Rebuild Trust After a Lie
- How to Apologise Properly
- How to Forgive Without Forgetting
- Be Patient While Trust Returns
- Signs of Controlling Behaviour
- Signs of Gaslighting
- When to Walk Away and Seek Help
- Build a Safe Support Circle
