The Stories You Tell Yourself After a No
Thirty-two ways to handle the stories you tell yourself after a no, before they grow into something false.
The story is not the fact. Edit it with care.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang), Grit (Angela Duckworth), The Obstacle Is the Way (Ryan Holiday), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
The story is not the fact
After a no, the mind rushes to explain: “They think I am boring”, “I always fail”, “I will never be good enough”. These are stories, not facts. The more you notice them, the less power they have.
Write the fact and the story as two separate lines.
The mind is a storyteller
Human minds make stories to explain events, and after pain the stories tend to be harsh. Recognising this helps you question them.
Say, “That is a story.”
Spot the story
Typical stories include “It is all my fault”, “Nobody likes me”, “I should have known” and “This always happens”. Naming them is the first step.
Write your top story.
Notice the words "always" and "never"
These absolute words are a clue that the mind has left the facts. Replace them with “this time”.
Replace one absolute.
Notice mind-reading
“They think I am stupid” is a guess about someone’s thoughts. You cannot know. Replace it with what you can actually observe.
Write only what you saw.
Notice fortune-telling
“I will never find a job” predicts the future. Replace it with “I do not know what will happen, and I can keep trying”.
Rewrite the prediction.
Notice labelling
“I am a loser” is a label. Replace it with a description: “I made a mistake in the interview.”
Rewrite the label.
Notice catastrophising
“This ruins everything” blows the event up. Ask, “What is the most likely outcome?”
Write the likely outcome.
Notice personalising
Seeing everything as about you ignores other factors. List other causes.
Write other causes.
Notice all-or-nothing thinking
“Either I succeed or I am nothing” ignores the middle. Look for shades of grey.
Describe a middle view.
Write the story down
Putting the story on paper makes it easier to see how harsh or odd it is.
Write it down.
Question the story
Ask, “Is this true? How do I know? What would I say to a friend?”
Answer the three questions.
Look for evidence against
Find facts that contradict the story, such as past successes and kind people.
List three.
Write a kinder story
A balanced story might be: “I was turned down this time. It hurts. I can learn and try again.”
Write your version.
Use "and" not "but"
“I was rejected and I am still capable” holds both truths.
Practise the sentence.
Use "so far"
“I have not got a yes so far” leaves room for change.
Add “so far”.
Use "I am learning"
“I am learning to ask better” is a growth story.
Say it.
Use the third person
Tell the story as if about a friend. You will be kinder.
Rewrite it that way.
Use distance
Imagine telling the story a year from now. How does it sound?
Imagine next year.
Use humour
Exaggerate the story until it is funny. Humour loosens its grip.
Make it silly.
Use a trusted friend
Share your story and ask for their version. They will often soften it.
Ask a friend.
Scene: lying awake at night
Stories get louder in the dark. Write them down, breathe and plan to review them in daylight.
Keep a notebook by the bed.
Scene: scrolling social media
Comparison feeds harsh stories. Close the app.
Take a break.
Scene: replaying a conversation
Notice the replay. Say, “Thank you, mind, that is enough.”
Gently stop.
Scene: talking to yourself in the mirror
Notice your tone. Speak as a friend would.
Soften.
Scene: after criticism
Pick out the useful part and let the rest go.
Sort.
Scene: after a job loss
Stories of failure arise. Write the facts and plan.
List facts.
Scene: after a breakup
Stories of unlovability are common. Remember the people who love you.
Call one.
Scene: after a missed chance
Stories of regret arise. Focus on the next one.
Plan the next.
Scene: after a conflict
Stories of blame arise. Seek a fair account.
Be fair.
Scene: after a public mistake
Stories of humiliation arise. Others forget faster than you think.
Remind yourself.
Do not feed the story
Repeating it to everyone strengthens it. Share to heal, not to rehearse.
Share kindly.
Do not fight the story
Arguing with every thought is tiring. Notice it and let it pass.
Let go.
Do not believe every thought
Thoughts are mental events, not orders.
Say, “I am having the thought that…”
Practise daily
Notice one story each day and rewrite it.
Practise.
Practise with therapy
Cognitive behavioural therapy teaches these skills well. Consider it if stories are heavy.
Seek help if needed.
Be patient
It takes time to change inner stories. Keep at it.
Be gentle.
Celebrate your new story
When you notice a harsh story and soften it, enjoy the change.
Note it.
Try the "best friend" test
Would you say this sentence to your best friend after the same no? If not, rewrite it into words you would say to them, and use those on yourself.
Rewrite one harsh line in a friend’s voice.
Give the story a title
Naming the story, such as “The I-Am-Not-Enough Story”, lets you spot it quickly next time and say, “Ah, that story again.”
Name your most common story.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many everyday situations.
“I am telling myself a story.”
“What are the facts here?”
“Another way to see this is…”
“What would I tell a friend?”
“I will choose a kinder story.”
“That feels more accurate.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Catch the story
Write the facts
Challenge the story
Find a kinder version
Ask a friend
Test with evidence
Let it go
Further reading
- Rejection Proof (Jia Jiang)
- Grit (Angela Duckworth)
- The Obstacle Is the Way (Ryan Holiday)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Handling Rejection”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Most Noes Are Not About YouNext: Separate Who You Are From What Happened →
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- It Is Information, Not an Insult
- Most Noes Are Not About You
- The Stories You Tell Yourself After a No
- Separate Who You Are From What Happened
- Why Everyone Gets Rejected
- The Cost of Never Asking
- Breathe Before You React
- Allow Five Minutes to Feel It
- Shake It Out and Reset
- Do Not Reply While Hurt
- Talk to a Friend, Not a Mirror
- Write the Facts, Not the Fear
- Take a Short Walk
- Ask What You Can Learn
- Request Feedback Without Fear
- Spot the Pattern Across Your Noes
- Fix One Thing at a Time
- Keep a Rejection Log
- Turn a No Into a Better Try
- Celebrate Asking, Not Just Winning
- Rejection After a Job Interview
- Rejection in Dating
- When a Friend Pulls Away
- Rejection of Your Ideas at Work
- Rejection of Your Creative Work
- When You Are Left Out
- Rejection by Someone You Love
- The Hundred-Noes Challenge
- Make Small Asks Every Day
- Ask for a Discount, Just to Practise
- Laugh When You Hear No
- Say Thank You After a No
- Ask Again in a New Way
- Stories of Famous People Who Heard No
- Protect Your Confidence
- Stay Kind When You Reject Others
- Do Not Burn Bridges
- Build Resilience Slowly
- Your Personal Rejection Plan
