Handle Exes and Old Flames
Forty easy tips to handle exes and old flames, so the past stays peaceful and the present stays strong.
Respect the present. Clear and calm.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), Mothers Who Can’t Love (Susan Forward), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Old flames can stir feelings
Even a message from an ex can cause worry. Clear boundaries and honesty keep trust safe.
Be prepared.
Decide your own boundary first
Ask yourself, what contact is healthy for me? Know your limits before you talk.
Write it.
Share openly with your partner
Say, an ex contacted me, and I want you to know. Openness prevents secrets.
Share early.
Agree on contact rules
Decide together what is okay, such as group events only or no private messages. Clear rules help.
Agree rules.
Manage social media
Decide about following, liking and messaging exes. Fewer links reduce risk.
Decide together.
Be polite and brief
If you must respond, be short and kind. Avoid long chats.
Keep it short.
Do not compare
Never compare your partner with an ex. It is unfair and harmful.
Avoid it.
Block or mute if needed
If contact is unwelcome, block. Your peace matters.
Block if needed.
Reassure your partner
Say, you are my priority, and I choose you. Reassurance calms fears.
Reassure.
Heal from the past
If feelings linger, talk to a counsellor. Healing helps your present love.
Seek support.
Respect your partner’s past too
Do not judge their history. Everyone has a story.
Be kind.
Example: the shared message
When an ex texted, Tom told his wife, and they agreed he would reply once politely. She felt trusted.
Share it.
Example: the block
Lena blocked an ex who kept messaging and told her partner. She felt safer.
Block kindly.
Example: the group events
They agreed to see exes only in group events. It worked for them.
Agree rules.
Script: sharing
An old friend contacted me, and I wanted you to know. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Script: boundary with ex
Please do not message me again, I wish you well. Say it firmly.
Use it.
Script: reassuring
You are my priority and I choose you. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: agreeing
Can we agree how we handle contact with exes? Say it kindly.
Use it.
Mistake: keeping contact with an ex secret to avoid a fight
Secrets create bigger problems later, so be open and calm about it.
Be open.
Mistake: using an ex to make your partner jealous
It damages trust and can hurt everyone, so choose honesty.
Be honest.
Mistake: stalking an ex’s social media out of curiosity
It keeps old pain alive, so limit it and focus on your present.
Limit it.
Troubleshoot: when an ex will not stop contacting you
Tell them clearly to stop, block them, tell your partner and keep records. Seek help if you feel unsafe.
Set a boundary.
Troubleshoot: when your partner is friends with an ex and you feel uneasy
Share your feelings calmly, ask for reassurance and agree on boundaries. Consider counselling if unresolved.
Share feelings.
Troubleshoot: when children link you to an ex
Keep contact respectful and focused on children. Use clear schedules and communication tools.
Keep it child-focused.
Book idea: old flames and new flames
Esther Perel explains that curiosity and old attachments are normal, and honest conversation between partners protects trust better than secrecy.
Be open.
Book idea: transparency without possession
Therapists suggest couples agree what contact with exes is comfortable for both, rather than leaving it unspoken, so neither person feels unsafe.
Agree on comfort.
Myth: any contact with an ex is a betrayal
Context matters, and openness, intention and respect for your partner’s feelings decide whether contact is okay.
Check your intention.
Myth: you must delete the past
The past can stay in your story, as long as you do not let it threaten your present.
Keep it in its place.
Story: Layla tells her partner about the message
Layla showed her partner a friendly message from an ex and said I replied politely, and he thanked her for the honesty.
Be upfront.
Story: Rob and the shared friends
Rob and his partner agreed that he could attend mutual friends’ parties where his ex would be, and she would come too.
Plan together.
Journal: what feelings come up when I think about my partner’s exes?
Naming jealousy or curiosity helps you talk about it.
Write them.
Red flag: secret contact, deleted messages or lies
Secrets damage trust, so address them directly.
Ask calmly.
Think about it: how would I feel if the roles were reversed?
Imagining your partner’s view builds empathy and helps you find a fair agreement.
Write one answer.
Think about it: which boundaries would help us both feel secure about old connections?
Clear, shared limits remove guesswork and reduce worry.
Write two ideas.
Mini habit: check in about how you both feel on this topic every few months
Needs change, so a regular kind check keeps trust fresh.
Set a reminder.
Mini habit: thank your partner whenever they are open with you
Appreciation encourages more honesty and makes openness feel safe.
Say it today.
Quick win: mention any contact from an ex right away and calmly
Early honesty prevents suspicion and keeps small things small.
Do it next time.
Fun fact: most people feel some jealousy about their partner’s exes
Surveys show it is common, and honest, kind talk reduces it.
Share it.
Say this: I would like us to be open about this, because I care about us
A warm opening makes it easy to talk without blame.
Use it.
Challenge: share one honest feeling about old connections without blaming
Honest, gentle words build trust and invite your partner to do the same.
Pick a calm time.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“My partner comes first.”
“I will be open about contact.”
“I wish them well.”
“Please do not message me.”
“I told my partner.”
“We are secure.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Decide your own boundaries
Share with your partner
Agree on contact
Manage social media
Block if needed
Reassure
Review
Further reading
- Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend)
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- Mothers Who Can’t Love (Susan Forward)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
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← Previous: Keep Friendships AliveNext: Share Holidays Fairly →
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- Respect Without Giving Up Your Needs
- Handle Opinions You Did Not Ask For
- Stand as a Team With Your Partner
- Talk to Your Partner About Their Family
- Blend Your Friends Together
- Handle a Partner Who Dislikes Your Friends
- Keep Friendships Alive
- Handle Exes and Old Flames
- Share Holidays Fairly
- Plan Visits Without Stress
- Set Limits on Visits
- Handle Family Drama at Gatherings
- Handle a Difficult Parent or In-Law
- Support Each Other Through Family Stress
- Set Rules for Money and Favours
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