Handle Opinions You Did Not Ask For
Forty easy tips to handle opinions you did not ask for, so advice never turns into a fight.
Smile and sort. Take what helps.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), Mothers Who Can’t Love (Susan Forward), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Unasked advice is common
Parents and in-laws often share opinions out of love or habit. Seeing the love helps you stay calm.
Be gentle.
Smile and say thank you
A calm thank you shows respect without agreement. It often ends the talk.
Say thanks.
Pause before answering
Say, let us think about that. A pause avoids sharp replies.
Pause.
Sort advice into useful and not useful
Keep what helps and let the rest go. You are the decision makers.
Sort it.
Do not take it personally
Advice often reflects their fears or past. Remember it is not always about you.
Remember it.
State your plan kindly
Say, we are doing it this way, and we appreciate your care. Clear and warm.
Say it.
Change the topic gently
Ask about their week or hobbies. Redirection is a soft tool.
Redirect.
Share positive news
Tell them what is going well, so they feel included. Inclusion lowers advice.
Share one.
Ask for the advice you want
Say, we would love your help with this, or, we would like to figure this out ourselves. Guide them.
Ask for what you want.
Talk to your partner afterwards
Share your feelings without blaming their family. Support each other.
Talk later.
Use humour lightly
A smile and a gentle joke can lighten tension. Never mock.
Use light humour.
Example: the sorting
After advice about parenting, Anna thanked her mother-in-law and used one tip. The rest she let go.
Sort advice.
Example: the change of topic
Joe said, thank you, and how was your trip? The talk moved on.
Redirect.
Example: the clear request
Mina said, we would love your help with cooking this weekend, but we will handle the baby routine. Everyone relaxed.
Ask for what you want.
Script: thanking
Thank you for sharing that, we will think about it. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: stating
We have decided to do it this way, and we appreciate your care. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: redirecting
How was your trip, I would love to hear. Say it brightly.
Use it.
Script: asking for help
We would love your help with this part. Say it softly.
Use it.
Mistake: complaining to others about them
Gossip can come back, so be discreet.
Be discreet.
Troubleshoot: when advice becomes criticism
Stay calm and say, we would like to keep our conversation positive. Set a boundary.
Set a boundary.
Troubleshoot: when your partner does not defend you
Talk later, ask for support and plan how to respond together. A counsellor can help.
Talk later.
Troubleshoot: when advice affects big decisions
Take time, gather your own information and decide as a couple. Do not be rushed.
Take time.
Keep a list of advice you enjoyed and used
Noticing helpful tips builds appreciation and reminds you that not all advice is unwelcome.
List one tip.
Use a gentle phrase such as that is an interesting idea
A neutral phrase respects the person without promising to follow the advice.
Practise a phrase.
Ask your partner to help steer the topic when advice grows heavy
A kind signal from your partner can redirect the talk without embarrassment.
Agree a signal.
Choose a calm time later to explain your choices if needed
Sharing reasons when everyone is relaxed can clear misunderstandings without a fight.
Plan a talk.
Book idea: advice is often love in disguise
Family therapists note that unasked advice usually comes from care and worry, so thanking the intention can soften the moment before you decide what to do.
Thank the care first.
Book idea: you can listen without agreeing
Crucial Conversations teaches that hearing someone is not the same as obeying them, and calm listening keeps relationships safe.
Listen, then choose.
Myth: you must follow advice to show respect
You can show respect by listening kindly and making your own decision, because both ideas can live together.
Respect your own choice too.
Myth: ignoring advice will cause a fight
A warm thank you and a calm decision usually keeps peace better than arguing about it.
Stay warm.
Story: Hira thanks her aunt
When her aunt gave advice about baby care, Hira said thank you, I will think about it, and the aunt felt heard and relaxed.
Use I will think about it.
Story: Marcus changes the topic kindly
Marcus said thanks for caring, and asked about his father-in-law’s garden, and the talk moved to a happier subject.
Redirect with warmth.
Journal: whose advice do I find hardest to hear and why?
Naming the person and the feeling helps you plan a calmer response.
Write the name.
Journal: what do I want to decide for myself in this season of life?
Clear priorities help you say no to advice without guilt.
Write three areas.
Challenge: prepare a friendly sentence for unwanted advice
A ready line like thank you, we have a plan keeps you calm.
Write it now.
Challenge: ask your partner to back you up if advice crosses a line
A united front is gentler for everyone.
Agree on a signal.
Red flag: they keep pushing after you have said no
Repeated pushing needs a kind but firm boundary.
Plan a calm talk.
Fun fact: unsolicited advice often signals worry, not criticism
Researchers on family communication note that advice often expresses care.
Share it.
Mini habit: answer unwanted advice with one short, warm phrase
A kind phrase such as thank you, we will think about it keeps the peace and protects your choice.
Practise it daily.
Quick win: take one slow breath before you reply to advice
A short pause stops a sharp answer and lets you choose a calm, friendly response.
Try it next time.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“Thank you for sharing.”
“We will think about it.”
“I will keep what helps.”
“We are doing it this way.”
“Tell me about your week.”
“We appreciate you.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Smile and thank
Pause before answering
Sort advice
Keep what helps
State your plan kindly
Change the topic
Talk to your partner
Further reading
- Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend)
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- Mothers Who Can’t Love (Susan Forward)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Family, In-Laws and Friends”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Respect Without Giving Up Your NeedsNext: Stand as a Team With Your Partner →
- Meet the Parents Without Panic
- Be Kind and Be Yourself
- Learn Family Customs
- Win Over the Family Slowly
- Respect Without Giving Up Your Needs
- Handle Opinions You Did Not Ask For
- Stand as a Team With Your Partner
- Talk to Your Partner About Their Family
- Blend Your Friends Together
- Handle a Partner Who Dislikes Your Friends
- Keep Friendships Alive
- Handle Exes and Old Flames
- Share Holidays Fairly
- Plan Visits Without Stress
- Set Limits on Visits
- Handle Family Drama at Gatherings
- Handle a Difficult Parent or In-Law
- Support Each Other Through Family Stress
- Set Rules for Money and Favours
- Heal Family Rifts Gently
