Share Holidays Fairly
Forty easy tips to share holidays fairly, so festive times bring joy and not tension.
Fair plans, happy holidays. Plan early and kindly.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman), Mothers Who Can’t Love (Susan Forward), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Holidays can cause stress
Two families, two sets of traditions and tired travellers can strain love. Early, fair planning helps.
Plan now.
List your traditions
Each partner writes the traditions that matter most. Compare and respect.
Write five.
Share what matters most
Say, the thing I care about most is Christmas morning at home. Clear priorities prevent hurt.
Share one.
Plan early
Talk months ahead so families can adjust. Last-minute plans cause stress.
Choose a date.
Take turns
Alternate holidays between families each year. Fair rotation reduces conflict.
Make a rota.
Split days fairly
Divide days or visits so both families feel included. Keep travel realistic.
Split fairly.
Create your own traditions
Add a ritual just for you, such as a special breakfast. This builds your couple culture.
Create one.
Tell families kindly and clearly
Share your plan with a warm voice and thanks. Avoid blame.
Say it warmly.
Keep budgets in mind
Agree on gift and travel budgets to avoid money stress.
Set a budget.
Make room for rest
Do not overschedule. Tired people argue more.
Plan rest.
Review after the holidays
Ask what worked and what to change for next year. Learning improves joy.
Review.
Example: the rota
Mia and Joe alternate Christmas between families and keep New Year for themselves. Both families accept it.
Make a rota.
Example: the own ritual
They always bake cookies together on December twenty-third. It is their special tradition.
Start a ritual.
Example: the early plan
They talked in September and told families in October. Nobody was upset.
Plan early.
Script: starting
Shall we plan our holidays early this year? Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: sharing
The thing that matters most to me is this. Say it softly.
Use it.
Script: telling family
We are spending this holiday with the other family, and we would love to see you at New Year. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: thanking
Thank you for understanding, we love you. Say it sincerely.
Use it.
Mistake: assuming your partner will agree with your family plans
Assumptions lead to hurt feelings, so ask and listen before deciding.
Ask first.
Mistake: promising families dates before you decide together
Promises made alone can cause conflict, so decide first as a couple.
Decide together.
Mistake: overloading the holiday schedule with too many visits
Exhaustion spoils joy, so keep plans simple and leave time to rest.
Simplify.
Troubleshoot: when families live far apart
Alternate years, combine visits into longer stays or use video calls. Plan travel carefully.
Plan travel.
Troubleshoot: when one family is upset about the plan
Be warm, offer another time and thank them. Hold your decision kindly.
Offer another time.
Troubleshoot: when you want to stay home alone
Say so kindly and offer a visit later. Rest is a valid choice.
Say it kindly.
Book idea: fairness is a feeling as well as a rule
Researchers on family conflict find that people accept different holiday plans better when the process feels fair, so involve both partners in choosing.
Decide together.
Book idea: create your own traditions
Family experts suggest building a few couple traditions that belong only to the two of you, so holidays feel like yours too.
Start one tradition.
Myth: there is only one right way to spend a holiday
Many couples rotate, split the day or alternate years, and all can work if both agree.
Find your pattern.
Myth: you must please everyone
You cannot please everyone, so aim to be fair, kind and clear.
Choose your priorities.
Story: Mia and Jon alternate years
Mia and Jon spent one year with her family and the next with his, and added a quiet day for themselves, and everyone adjusted.
Try alternating.
Story: Ada splits the day
Ada and her husband had brunch with one family and dinner with the other, and enjoyed both.
Split the day.
Journal: which holiday moments matter most to me and why?
Naming the heart of it helps you ask.
Write three.
Fun fact: planning ahead reduces holiday stress
Studies link early planning with calmer holidays.
Share it.
Think about it: what would I like this holiday to feel like?
Aiming for a feeling, such as calm or joy, helps you choose what to keep or drop.
Write your answer.
Think about it: what plan would feel fair to both of us?
Describing fairness together helps you find a pattern that both can accept.
Write it.
Mini habit: review your holiday plans together each autumn
A yearly rhythm prevents last-minute stress and arguments.
Set a reminder.
Mini habit: thank your partner for travelling or hosting
Gratitude acknowledges effort and keeps the mood warm.
Say it today.
Quick win: tell both families your plan early
Early notice reduces pressure and lets everyone adjust gracefully.
Send a message.
Green flag: both families accept your plan with grace
Respect from family makes future planning easier and shows your united approach works.
Say thanks.
Red flag: family guilt-trips you into an unfair plan
Stand together calmly and repeat your plan kindly, with your partner’s support.
Prepare a response.
Journal: which holiday moments matter most to me, and why do they matter?
Naming the heart of it helps you ask for what matters and let go of the rest.
Write three moments.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“Let us plan the holidays early.”
“Here is what matters most to me.”
“Let us take turns.”
“I am open to ideas.”
“Thank you for planning with me.”
“We will make joy.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
List traditions
Share what matters most
Plan early
Take turns
Split time
Create your own
Review
Further reading
- Boundaries (Henry Cloud and John Townsend)
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman)
- Mothers Who Can’t Love (Susan Forward)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Family, In-Laws and Friends”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Handle Exes and Old FlamesNext: Plan Visits Without Stress →
- Meet the Parents Without Panic
- Be Kind and Be Yourself
- Learn Family Customs
- Win Over the Family Slowly
- Respect Without Giving Up Your Needs
- Handle Opinions You Did Not Ask For
- Stand as a Team With Your Partner
- Talk to Your Partner About Their Family
- Blend Your Friends Together
- Handle a Partner Who Dislikes Your Friends
- Keep Friendships Alive
- Handle Exes and Old Flames
- Share Holidays Fairly
- Plan Visits Without Stress
- Set Limits on Visits
- Handle Family Drama at Gatherings
- Handle a Difficult Parent or In-Law
- Support Each Other Through Family Stress
- Set Rules for Money and Favours
- Heal Family Rifts Gently
