Give Without Keeping Score
Eighteen easy tips to give without keeping score, so your kindness feels light and your relationships stay warm.
Give freely. Let go of the tally.
27 tips that really help
These ideas come from Give and Take (Adam Grant), The Go-Giver (Bob Burg and John David Mann), Never Eat Alone (Keith Ferrazzi), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Why scorekeeping hurts
Counting favours makes giving feel like a debt. People sense it and pull away. Free giving feels warm and brave.
Stop counting.
Give because it is good
Choose to give for joy, not for payback. The act is its own reward.
Give for joy.
Skip hints for a return
Do not say, I helped you last time. Let kindness stand alone.
Say nothing.
Do small acts often
Little kindnesses fill a day with warmth. They are easy and do not feel heavy.
Do three today.
Give quietly
Some of the best help is unseen. Quiet kindness shows true care.
Give quietly.
Accept thanks with a smile
Say, you are welcome, and leave it there. Accepting thanks is also a gift.
Smile.
Trust people
Most people feel gratitude and will help when they can. Trust keeps your mind calm.
Trust.
Give to many people
Spread your kindness across your network. You never know which small act changes a life.
Give widely.
Script: giving
Happy to help, no need to repay me. Say it warmly.
Use it.
Script: accepting thanks
You are welcome, I was glad to do it. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: gentle limit
I would love to help, and I can do it next week. Say it calmly.
Use it.
Mistake: reminding people of your favours
It makes them feel guilty, so let it go.
Let it go.
Mistake: giving only to the powerful
Kindness should be for everyone, so help people at any level.
Give to all.
Mistake: helping and then complaining
Complaining erases the kindness, so give only what you can happily.
Give happily.
Troubleshoot: when someone never says thanks
Remember why you helped, and consider setting limits next time. Keep your heart open.
Stay kind.
Troubleshoot: when you feel tired of giving
Rest and refill your energy first. You cannot give from an empty cup.
Rest.
Drill: give once without telling anyone
Do a kind act and tell nobody. Notice how it feels.
Try it.
Drill: write a kindness list
Write five kind acts you could do this month and tick them off.
Write five.
Notice your own thoughts
Spot the voice that says they owe me. Gently let it go.
Notice it.
Replace tallies with gratitude
Instead of counting favours, count thanks you have received.
List thanks.
Give secretly sometimes
Do a kind act and tell nobody. It builds pure joy.
Do one secretly.
Keep giving even if not returned
Some kindness never returns. The world still gets better.
Give anyway.
Example: the free tip
A coach gave free tips for a year. Later, ten people hired him.
Share a free tip.
Example: the gentle no
Mia helped often but said no kindly to a big task. Her friends respected her.
Say no kindly.
Mistake: expecting a thank-you
People may forget. Give for your own values.
Value your values.
Troubleshoot: when someone takes advantage
Say, I cannot help with that, but thanks for asking. Step back.
Step back.
Drill: give one thing today and forget it
Give one gift and let it go.
Give today.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many networking and career moments.
“I am happy to help.”
“No need to repay me.”
“It was my pleasure.”
“I know it will balance out.”
“I care about you.”
“Happy to be there.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Pick an act
Do it quietly
Skip the reminder
Accept thanks
Let go of the list
Be patient
Smile
Further reading
- Give and Take (Adam Grant)
- The Go-Giver (Bob Burg and John David Mann)
- Never Eat Alone (Keith Ferrazzi)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
More lessons in “Giving Before Asking”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
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