Relationships / Being Ready for Love / Lesson 13

LESSON 13 · BEING READY FOR LOVE

Write Your Non-Negotiables

Forty easy tips to write your non-negotiables, so you protect what matters most in love.

Clear lines protect love. Know your must-haves.

40 tipsEasy things to say7-day plan

Start with tip 1

Jump to the 7-day plan

40 tips that really help

These ideas come from Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown), Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.

TIP 1

What non-negotiables are

These are the few things you will not give up, such as honesty, safety and respect. They protect you and your future partner.

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Write five.

TIP 2

Keep the list short

Five or six core items are enough. A very long list becomes hard to use and pushes good people away.

TRY THIS
Cut to six.

TIP 3

Use clear words

Write honesty not nice. Clear words make choices easier when you feel confused.

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Rewrite one word.

TIP 4

Include safety first

Physical and emotional safety always come first. No kindness or charm replaces feeling safe.

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Write it first.

TIP 5

Include respect and kindness

Respect shows in how people speak, listen and treat others. Write what respect looks like to you.

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Describe it.

TIP 6

Include honesty and trust

Write what honesty means, such as telling the truth even when it is hard. Be clear about what breaks trust.

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Define it.

TIP 7

Think about life goals

Children, location and faith can be deep needs. Know which are flexible and which are fixed.

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Mark fixed ones.

TIP 8

Separate preferences from non-negotiables

Hair colour or hobbies are preferences. Values are non-negotiable. Do not mix them.

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Sort the list.

TIP 9

Tell your list to a trusted friend

A friend can tell you if your list is fair and clear. Ask them for honest feedback.

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Share it.

TIP 10

Review your list during dating

Check your list after the third date and again after three months. It guides your decisions.

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Set reminders.

TIP 11

Be willing to hold your line kindly

Say, this is important to me, and be calm. Holding a line is not harsh, it is honest.

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Practise a line.

TIP 12

Example: the safety rule

Aisha wrote that she would not accept shouting. When a date raised his voice, she thanked him and left.

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Write your rule.

TIP 13

Example: the value match

Ben wrote honesty and humour. He enjoyed dates with people who shared both.

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Write your match.

TIP 14

Example: the flexible wish

Mei wished for a tall partner but let it go when she met a kind, funny shorter man. She kept her real must-haves.

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Sort wishes.

TIP 15

Script: sharing a value

Honesty is very important to me, I like to say things openly. Say it warmly.

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Use it.

TIP 16

Script: holding a line

I am not comfortable with that, and I would like to stop here. Say it calmly.

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Use it.

TIP 17

Script: asking about theirs

What things are most important to you in a relationship? Say it with interest.

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Use it.

TIP 18

Script: to yourself

My list protects me, and I am allowed to keep it. Say it firmly.

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Use it.

TIP 19

Mistake: making exceptions out of loneliness

Lowering your line to avoid being alone usually brings pain, so hold steady.

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Reread your list.

TIP 20

Mistake: using the list to judge others harshly

Your list guides your choices, it does not make you better than others, so stay kind.

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Stay humble.

TIP 21

Mistake: never testing your list against real life

If nobody ever fits, ask whether the list is too narrow or fear is hiding.

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Ask a friend.

TIP 22

Troubleshoot: when you like someone who breaks a must-have

Pause and look at the pattern. Charm can hide big problems, so slow down and talk honestly.

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Pause and review.

TIP 23

Troubleshoot: when your partner has different must-haves

Talk openly and see if you can meet in the middle. If not, respect each other and part kindly.

TRY THIS
Talk kindly.

TIP 24

Troubleshoot: when you are not sure what is a must-have

Think about times you felt hurt and write what was missing. Those are likely needs.

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List hurts.

TIP 25

Drill: write your list in your own words

Take twenty minutes tonight, write five must-haves and three dislikes, and keep them private.

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Write them.

TIP 26

Drill: practise one boundary sentence

Say one boundary sentence aloud five times, so it feels natural when you need it.

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Practise.

TIP 27

Book idea: standards protect your peace

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend shows that clear limits make love safer and kinder.

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Write one limit.

TIP 28

Book idea: values over rules

Gottman finds happy couples share deep values, so build your list from values first.

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Turn one rule into a value.

TIP 29

Myth: having standards makes you picky

Healthy standards protect your wellbeing, while pickiness is about small details.

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Sort your list.

TIP 30

Myth: love should be able to fix anything

Love helps, but it cannot replace respect, honesty and safety.

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Hold your must-haves.

TIP 31

Story: Leila keeps her line

Leila lost interest when a date mocked her work, kindly ended it, and felt proud of herself.

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Know your respect line.

TIP 32

Story: Owen drops the long list

Owen cut forty wishes down to five, and his dates became warmer and more honest.

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Shorten your list.

TIP 33

Journal: when did I ignore a must-have?

Looking back shows what you need to protect next time.

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Write one example.

TIP 34

Journal: what do I need in the first three months?

Early needs guide your first steps and filter quickly.

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Write three needs.

TIP 35

Challenge: share one must-have in conversation

Say it plainly and kindly with a date and watch how they respond.

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Choose the right moment.

TIP 36

Challenge: test your list with a friend

A friend can tell you if something is a true need or only a preference.

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Ask for feedback.

TIP 37

Green flag: they respect your must-haves

Someone who listens and honours your limits is showing character.

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Notice how they react.

TIP 38

Red flag: they joke about your limits

Teasing that pushes your boundary is a warning sign, so address it early.

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Speak up once.

TIP 39

Say this: this matters a lot to me

A calm sentence about a must-have gives your date a clear message.

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Practise in a mirror.

TIP 40

Quick win: put your top three on your phone

A short note keeps you steady when feelings run high.

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Save it now.

Easy things to say

When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.

MUST

“This is a must for me.”

LINE

“I will not accept this.”

SHARE

“Here is what matters to me.”

ASK

“Is this important to you too?”

KIND

“I say it with respect.”

CLOSE

“I keep my promise to myself.”

Your first week

One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.

DAY 1
Write five must-haves

DAY 2
Write three deal breakers

DAY 3
Test each with a friend

DAY 4
Read them aloud

DAY 5
Save them on your phone

DAY 6
Read them before a date

DAY 7
Review each month

Further reading

• Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
• The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown)
• Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach)

The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.

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These lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.