Know What You Truly Want
Forty easy tips to know what you truly want, so you choose love that fits your life.
Clear wants, clear love. Know yourself.
40 tips that really help
These ideas come from Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown), Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach), and everyday practice. Pick one tip and try it today.
Start with your values
Before you can find the right partner, you need to know what matters most to you. Not what looks good on paper, but what you truly stand for. Honesty. Family. Adventure. Faith. Kindness. These are your values, and they work like a compass. When a partner shares your core values, daily life feels smoother, even when you disagree on small things.
Write your top five values on one line. Keep the list on your phone, and glance at it before your next date or social event.
Describe a good relationship in daily life
Many of us picture love as a movie scene. A kiss in the rain. A grand proposal. But real love lives in ordinary days. What happens on a normal Tuesday evening matters far more than one big moment. Today, you will write that ordinary day, and see what you really want.
Write a short story of an ordinary Tuesday with a future partner. Use at least five details, such as what you eat, how you talk and how you feel.
Separate wants from needs
Some things in a partner are needs. Respect. Safety. Honesty. Without them, a relationship cannot work. Other things are wants. Tall. Good at cooking. Loves hiking. These are nice, but they are extras. Many people mix the two, and that creates trouble. They reject kind people over small wants, or accept unkind people because they ticked every want.
Make two lists. In one write your needs, in the other your wants. Keep the needs list short, about five items. Look at it again in a week.
Notice what drained you before
Your past relationships hold clues. Not to blame yourself or anyone else, but to learn. What made you feel small, tired or anxious? Lies. Silence. Being ignored. Constant arguments. These patterns tell you what to avoid. It is not easy to look, but it is one of the wisest things you can do.
Think of one past relationship. Write three things that drained you, such as lies, silence or feeling small. Next to each, write the opposite that you now need.
Notice what lifted you before
Now the happy side. Think of moments when you felt safe, joyful and fully yourself with someone. They might be a friend, a family member or a partner. Those moments show you what your heart loves. The pattern is often simple. Kindness. Shared humour. Feeling listened to.
Write three moments when you felt happy and safe with someone. Look for what they have in common, and write it in one sentence.
Think about life goals
Love is wonderful, but life has practical sides. Do you want children? Where do you want to live? What do you hope for in your work? How do you see money? If two people walk in different directions, even great love can struggle. This is not unromantic. It is kind, because it saves both people from heartbreak.
Write three life goals that matter to you, such as children, place or career. Rate each as must-have or flexible.
Think about how you like to spend time
Some people recharge at home with a book. Others feel alive in a crowd or on a mountain trail. Neither is better. But when two partners have very different rhythms, small things can turn into big arguments. Knowing your own rhythm helps you find someone who fits, or someone who can respect the difference.
Describe your ideal weekend in five lines. Notice how much is social, how much is quiet, and how much is active.
Think about communication style
Some people like to talk every day. Others are happy with a message every few days and a long chat on the weekend. Some need to talk through a problem at once. Others need time alone first. There is no right way, but there is your way. When you know it, you can explain it kindly.
Write three sentences about how you like to communicate, such as how often and when. Share them with a friend and ask if it sounds like you.
Learn from couples you admire
Theory teaches, but real life shows. Think of a couple whose warmth you admire. How do they speak to each other? How do they handle small disagreements? What do they do together? Asking questions of a happy couple is like asking a good traveller for directions.
Choose one couple you admire and ask them one question, such as, what helps your relationship stay strong. Write down their answer.
Be honest about fears too
Fear is part of love. Fear of commitment. Fear of being left. Fear of losing yourself. If you do not name your fears, they act in the dark. They make you pull away, or cling, without knowing why. Naming them is brave, and it takes away much of their power.
Write one fear you have about love, in one honest sentence. Then write one small step that would help you face it.
Review your list with a trusted friend
A friend who knows you may spot blind spots, such as wants that do not match your values.
Share with a friend.
Example: the five values
Priya wrote kindness, laughter, growth, family and faith. On dates she watched for those values, not just charm.
Write your five.
Example: the Tuesday test
Sam imagined a quiet Tuesday and realised he wanted a calm, funny partner, not a party person.
Imagine a Tuesday.
Example: the lesson from the past
Mia saw that every ex had ignored her feelings. She decided that being heard was a must-have.
Write your lesson.
Script: telling a date a value
Honesty matters a lot to me, how about you? Say it gently.
Use it.
Script: asking about goals
Where do you see your life in five years? Say it with interest.
Use it.
Script: sharing a need
I need a little quiet time after work, and then I love to talk. Say it kindly.
Use it.
Script: self-check
Does this person fit my values or only my mood today? Say it to yourself.
Use it.
Mistake: chasing a type instead of a character
Looks fade, but kindness and honesty last, so judge by character.
Write character traits.
Mistake: copying other people’s wants
Your friends’ dream partner may not suit you, so listen to your own heart.
Write your own list.
Mistake: making the list so long nobody fits
A list of fifty demands is unrealistic. Keep five or six that truly matter.
Cut it to six.
Troubleshoot: when you do not know what you want
Try different activities and notice who you enjoy being with. Clarity grows from experience.
Try something new.
Troubleshoot: when your wants change
People grow, so update your list each year and be kind to the person you used to be.
Review yearly.
Troubleshoot: when your wants clash with your habits
If you want a calm partner but chase excitement, look at why. Change your habit, not just your list.
Notice the clash.
Drill: write your one-page vision
Write one page about your ideal relationship, using plain words and real life details.
Write one page.
Drill: keep your list handy
Save your values list on your phone and read it before each date for a month.
Save it today.
Book idea: values guide the heart
Gottman’s research shows couples last when they share core values, so name yours clearly.
Write your top three.
Book idea: attachment needs are real
Attached explains that everyone needs closeness and freedom, so know your own balance.
Rate both from one to ten.
Myth: you should just know when it is right
Clarity often comes from knowing your values and noticing how you feel over time.
Write what rightness means.
Myth: a partner will complete my list
No person is perfect, so choose the few things that truly matter and stay flexible on the rest.
Circle your top five.
Story: Priya compares two good dates
Priya wrote how she felt after each date, saw that one left her calm, and chose that path.
Try after your next date.
Story: Daniel finds his weekend rule
Daniel realised he needed active weekends, so he looked for a partner who enjoyed adventure too.
Write your weekend picture.
Journal: what do I need to feel safe?
Safety looks different for everyone, and naming yours makes it easier to choose and to ask.
Write three words.
Journal: what do I want my evenings to feel like?
A picture of daily life shows what matters more than any list of traits.
Describe a perfect evening.
Challenge: the five-minute vision
Set a timer and write what a happy shared life looks like, and then read it twice.
Do it today.
Challenge: ask a married friend
Ask someone in a long relationship what they truly needed, and learn from real experience.
Ask one question.
Green flag: your list is about how you feel
When your wishes are about feelings and values, they point to a lasting match.
Rewrite one item.
Red flag: a list full of looks and status
Surface items change quickly, so give more space to kindness, humour and reliability.
Add one inner quality.
Say this: here is what matters most to me
Sharing one core value early helps you see quickly if you and a date want the same road.
Practise once aloud.
Quick win: pick your top three needs
Three clear needs are easier to remember than twenty, and easier to share kindly.
Choose them tonight.
Easy things to say
When you are stuck, pick one of these. They work in many love and relationship moments.
“I know what matters to me.”
“I want kindness and honesty.”
“I value respect and humour.”
“I need time and space.”
“What do you value most?”
“I choose what fits me.”
Your first week
One small action a day. Each day is only a little bigger than the last.
Write your top five values
Write what a good day looks like
List what you will not accept
Think of a happy couple you admire
Ask a friend what they see
Write your hopes for five years
Review your list
Further reading
- Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)
- The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown)
- Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach)
The tips above are written in our own words and are general guidance. The books are suggestions for further reading.
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Start freeThese lessons share general learning and everyday ideas. They are not medical or mental health advice. If you feel very anxious, low or unwell, please talk to a doctor or a qualified professional.
More lessons in “Being Ready for Love”
Keep going. Small steps every day make a big change.
← Previous: Stop Waiting to Be ChosenNext: Drop the Fairy-Tale Pressure →
- You Are Already Worthy of Love
- Stop Waiting to Be Chosen
- Know What You Truly Want
- Drop the Fairy-Tale Pressure
- Learn From Your Last Relationship
- Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes
- Understand Your Attachment Style
- Stop Repeating the Same Pattern
- Enjoy Your Own Company
- Build Friends and Hobbies You Love
- Be Happy Alone and Open to Love
- Stop Comparing Your Love Life
- Write Your Non-Negotiables
- Know Your Deal Breakers Kindly
- Pick Character Over Chemistry
- Learn the Signs of a Healthy Partner
- Let Go of the Fear of Being Hurt
- Be Honest About Who You Are
- Take Things Slowly and Kindly
- Your Ready-for-Love Plan
